Police action after 101 call has left us separated and struggling financially

[PotatoSalad12]

Long story short! I completed a 101 form last week looking for advice regarding my home situation. I was hoping for signposting as following years of repeated behaviours, I decided I finally needed some support. Bad idea as the police took it as serious allegations and I met a threshold with the words I used on the form. They decided it was an arrestsble offence and after much to-ing and fro-ing, they eventually arrested my husband four days later.

He was released on bail in the early hours of Saturday morning. His phones (work and personal) have been retained by the police. He was escorted back to our house in order to collect his belongings and then had to leave. His conditions are no direct or indirect contact with me for 90 days and not to visit our house or "the area on the bail map" for the same time.

Over and over again I have told the police this is not the outcome I wanted, I would never have contacted them for advice if this was to be the outcome. I have even put in writing that I retract everything I have ever said to them.
The problem I now have is I cannot contact him or find out where he is. We have two primary aged children who cannot understand what is happening and I'm just telling them he's staying with a friend while trying to hold it all together.
My next biggest worry is finances. While I was the main income earner, his salary helped substantially towards the upkeep of the house. I am not going to be able to afford all of our bills over the next three months and I don't want to end up evicted or in council tax arrears because of this situation. The police never return my calls or emails and I learned yesterday that I have got a social worker coming to visit me and the children this afternoon.

Does anyone have any advice as to what I can do? I desperately want my husband back but I can also fully understand that he doesn't know the entire situation and just sees it as me requesting his arrest, restrictions and potential sentencing when it couldn't be more opposite from the truth.

What a way to speak to someone who might be the victim of serious domestic abuse.

Wow! The police reaction is so strong I'm assuming the levels of abuse are very very high indeed.

I feel for you OP. You've lived with serious abuse for so long you no longer know what normal is. This man has brainwashed you into submission.

I hope and pray that you get 90 days of living without fear or control to organise and reset. Get used to making your own choices and living in peace. Take any help offered by social services, friends and family.

very best wishes to you.

I believe you @PotatoSalad12 . I know you told the truth and now you're scared about the consequences. Just take one small step at a time.

Without sounding nasty, you need to think about your kids and the fact you have social services involved now. Your post is coming across as one of those naive or in denial women who will do anything to have the abusive husband/ boyfriend back in the home and that everything will be better from now on. This isn’t a good look and by the way you’re talking about your situation and how you want him back it really won’t sit well with social services. It makes you look like you’re putting him or your relationship with him before your kids and that you can’t protect your children. Engage with social services and follow all the advice they give you. You don’t realise how lucky you are to have the police on your side and actual evidence which is liquid gold in terms of family court and protecting your children. The women who have suffered years upon years of physical/ verbal and emotional abuse who have sat on it and never reported or haven’t reported it to the full extent they get destroyed in the family court. All their concerns are dismissed because there’s no evidence or not enough of it. It’s time for you to take back control of your life, go through the family court and get things in order for your kids.

I have gone through 15 years of this and even though there are some things reported to the police, that doesn’t even cover 1% of what I went through. I can scream it from the rooftops now, it doesn’t matter nobody cares tbh because it’s his word against mine. Don’t end up in this situation.

If this individual has made you feel so unsafe that you contacted the police, do you really want to continue living with him?

If he cares about his children at all he should be willing to continue supporting them financially and keeping them housed and fed.

If he doesn't then this is even more evidence of his unsuitability.

I don't think you would be committing any offence by contacting him eg by email or via a family member or friend to ask for financial support for the children.

If this is not possible then you should apply for benefits and child maintenance as soon as possible.

I’m quite shocked at some of the messages here . The police have acted in completely the wrong way and have actually put OP in danger - if he is the danger they perceive. With abusive people , bail conditions etc wont stop them ( I say this as someone who was in a relationship with someone who was arrested for assaulting me and harassing me and given bail conditions to not contact me and a restraining order and the first thing he did once released was continually call me and then harass me for months , breaking a l conditions and it only stopped when I met a new partner who he was scared of! ) .

Every bit of advice for women experiencing domestic abuse is to not tell the abuser you are leaving them until you have a plan and then , try to leave when they are not around and go to a safe place. When an abuser knows they are planning to leave or getting support that is when they are in the most danger. They have left OP in a situation where he knows where she is , knows she has reached out for support and could now blame her for the repercussions and harbour anger and resentment towards her. She is trapped because she cannot leave financially. There are many people who should leave but cannot because they have nowhere to go and do not have the finances to be alone. There are no council houses , she maybe has the option of emergency accommodation under the criteria of DV but then she has to deal with moving her children to god knows where and for god knows how long .

She needs to keep the doors locked and she can call them, if she feels she’s at risk, she can go to a refuge. The police have done nothing wrong here in arresting and charging someone who is a criminal.

Please remember when piling on the op the average victim of domestic abuse is a victim at least 55 times before they first report it to police. The op will have had years of being controlled so no wonder she thinks it’s not that serious. She will have been conditioned to believe that.

The police only go for a prosecution for something like this if it is serious.

If you won’t think about yourself then think of the children. They will also have been conditioned to think it is normal which is why they miss him. The abuse you are putting up with is likely to have long term consequences for the children.

@PotatoSalad12 please read this and see what the consequences could be

https://safeguarding-guide.nhs.uk/context-of-NHS-safeguarding/s2-07/

I've never heard of asking the police advice before? Is this a thing? I wonder have used other channels. Does your husband even want to come back after you've had him arrested?

I agree resources are so stretched there must be more to this for them to take that action

Stop it!

As others have said the police have so little resource, this must be serious if he has been arrested. They must think you and your children are at genuine risk.

You need to separate these issues- you cannot have H back because he provides financial security. He is clearly a risk- you have him back and the social worker team will be assessing whether you can safeguard your kids. Do not minimise this.

The social worker team will always be thinking about your kids - whats the harm that has been caused and what harm can he cause. You need to safeguard them - you need to stop and be really, really clear about what he has done. If you cannot safeguard your kids from him/ harm - there will be more social care involvement.

The other issue is finance as others have said see what benefits you can get, can the social worker suggest anything.

I know you are scared, but if everything on that charge sheet is correct you will have been conditioned as part of that abuse to act and feel a certain way. Something compelled you to reach out for support- it was the right thing to do - hold on to that and hold on to that fact you need to provide your kids with a safe home where no one is coerced or abused. Talk to womens aid to get some support for you.

How did it go with the SS?

I understand you don’t want to prosecute your husband, but whatever he has done is actionable by the police and therefore possibly out of your hands. If the police have evidence of a crime, it isn’t necessarily up to you whether they prosecute so retracting your statement won’t matter to them.

If you want your husband to know this wasn’t your intention, could you get a handwritten note to him via a couple of family members?

I think you should contact women’s aid and try to come to terms with the reality of your husband’s behaviour, since the police are clearly doing their job by protecting you and your DC. From your posts, it sounds like you would continue to put up with it, but is that really for the best?

I think you’re in denial OP and have possibly been brainwashed and gaslit. Do you have trusted friends or relatives nearby who will support you?

I am not joking or being competitive here OP but I wish I would’ve been strong enough to do this when thenH locked me outside, picked me up against my will and financially controlled me, it would’ve made legal aid more straightforward for divorce too. it would’ve been horrible but for the best. our respective parents might’ve taken me more seriously then too with police involvement.you’ve done the right thing and I’m sending love

I wasn't being obtuse...I genuinely haven't heard this. I also imagine her husband is pretty upset at the situation so how will this impact the relationship.

DBAC!

Sorry been there and no finances still made me call the police because I wanted out before he started on the children. Exactly same scenario pretty much and within a month I found a rental and moved that was 15 years ago and the best decision I ever ever made. It actually makes me angry you trying to retract such abusive behaviours when children are involved. Finances didn't even come into it I was poor as a mouse, took a couple of loans together etc the rental and never looked back, took a year to pay loans back and within 5 I had earned enough to buy a new house and to give the kids all they needed. They have never seen there father as theres a court order in place till there 18. Don't even think about trying to get your kids to lie to say nothing ever happens etc the cps will figure it out straight away. Be truthful, think of the kids and it will all come right honestly. You took the first step of the dark tunnel keep going you will be fine trust me please..
I've been married many years now with the right man and it's wonderful to be in a normal happy relationship

FAFO

If you made the police report because these things happened then he absolutely cannot return to the home to live with you and the children.

You risk continued harm to you and the children. It’s scary right now but you have done the right thing.

You risk having your children removed in the future if you can’t work with the police and social care to actively safeguard them.

I do understand you wanted support and advice rather than him being arrested but the police can arrest and charge him without your consent. This is as it should be or people could be threatened and coerced into withdrawing complaints/reports.

You need to get some advice asap re income, any benefits you are entitled to and maintenance. If he’s working he can and should pay maintainance.

Why do you think he’s been arrested? The police don’t know what they’re doing?

Im sure her will be very upset. He’s been found out.

Yes I’m sure the abuser is upset about being reported for his abuse.

He should be upset at what he's put her and the kids through. If he's 'pretty upset' at the situation then it's of his own doing.

Does your employer have a domestic violence policy, if they do it should entirely you to a reasonable amount of time off for appointments relating to your issues.Don't downplay the issue , tell your employer you're in a domestic violence situation.This could make all the difference if you're disciplined or dismissed.

I think you are unaware of how bad your situation is op. Those are very serious charges. Either you made them up or they are true.
If you made it all up then you are unwell and need help.
I hope the social worker helps.