Parents expect visits but won't offer help with childcare - fair?

[OlliEliza]

My parents live very close to us (less than a mile away), and I’ve always felt we had a good relationship. They’ve always enjoyed spending time with me and my sister since we moved out. They don’t have many friends, and I’d say they rely on us quite a lot – we often take them on holiday, buy tickets for them, help them sort things out, and they call me several times a day.

I have a two-year-old daughter. They love her, but they don’t offer any help with her. They expect me to visit them regularly because they’re used to seeing us. Usually, when we visit, they enjoy her company for a while, but by the end they’re tired and want to go back to their usual routine.

It feels like they want constant access to my child without taking on any responsibility for her ,things like dealing with tantrums, feeding her, or taking her to the playground, and I still have to organise everything for them as their daughter. Sometimes they come over to ours, but it’s the same situation – they’re more like guests.

My dad often says they’ve already raised me and my sister and don’t want to get involved again. They can help if I ask, but they never offer it themselves. And when they have babysat, my dad has seemed annoyed, and neither of them appears particularly happy, which makes me uncomfortable asking again.

My husband and I are constantly exhausted from everyday life – work, chores, and looking after a toddler. I honestly can’t remember the last time we spent proper time together as a couple – going out for a meal feels like a distant dream. I do love my parents, and I understand they don’t have to help with childcare if they don’t want to, but I do feel frustrated that we see each other so often and yet I never get a proper break, or even the chance to have a lie-in now and then (my daughter wakes us at the crack of dawn).AIBU to be annoyed about it?

I think many younger people don't understand how tired older people can get. I'm 70 and truthfully I'm not half as lively as I was even 5 years ago.

But equally OP’s parents don’t seem to understand how much pressure they’re putting on their daughters. They expect several visits a week and make several calls a day to OP, which is way too much.

I totally agree being 70 can mean a lot of tiredness, my mum is tired a lot.

FIL asked me to drive down, take them for a covid jab and drive back (4 hour round trip) as it was "more convenient for them".. I said it wasn't more convenient for me and booked a taxi for them.

Good om you. That ask from FIL was batshit.

Why couldn’t the child they live near take them? A taxi does make more sense.

Nope.

Helping others isn’t transactional.

If Mum and Dad can’t use the computer for online banking and OP helps them set that up and it takes 5 hours. The OP isn’t then owed 5 hours childcare.

OP needs to decide what she can help with and what she cannot based on her own availability.

Only the OP will understand how easy it will be to say No as only the OP will fully understand the family dynamics and what feelings she will be left with by saying no.

At the moment, based on my example, Mum and Dad are happy, online banking is set up and they are good to go. Meanwhile, OP is feeling unhappy and has added a 5 hour job to her already busy load.

It took 5 years for my son to reliably sleep through and even then he was an early riser. I can empathise.

Nope to you, I didn’t say helping people is transactional.

I commented on you conveniently ignoring just how exhausted OP is by her parents constant demands.

You didn’t say single word.

It's not transactional but also it is.

I don't think she's saying "I've done xx hours of support for you, so I need xx hours of support back".

I think it's reasonable to say "I've done a lot of support things for you, I'd like an occasional bit of help if you're able." The amount isn't necessarily proportionate but the will is. I think that's how good relationships work. You do things for each other with no expectation that each act will be repaid, but at the same time you do not expect all of the effort to be one way.

YABU

Being the parent of a 2yo os exhausting, yes. You have all our sympathy for this. Pay for some childcare to give yourself some respite, it is allowed. If your child is already in childcare but only while you are doing paid work yourself, increase the childcare hours to give yourself more breathing space.

Your parents do not have any responsibility for your child and of course they can't offer childcare if they are exhausted after a short while and need to be able to give her back to you, that's why you need to use paid childcare when you need a break.

You spend time with your family because you love them and want to spend time with them, and because they want to spend time with you. If you find it easier for them to come to you then do say so, but if they find it easier the other way around then it will have to be a balance because they have needs too.

You are a grown adult who has chosen the awesome and rewarding task of parenthood and I am sure you are doing it brilliantly. Your decision to do this doesn't create a debt that anyone owes you to help. Which is not to say you won't get help, you might, but it's not something you can expect. How many hours a week of childcare do you think you are going to offer to younger parents once your dc needs less care? And how much is your DH going to offer? Are you sure you are going to be abie to make such offers if your health and energy levels have deteriorated, as they will? Are you not really just perpetuating the misogynistic expectation that the purpose of a woman is to give free domestic labour?

BUT you do not owe them all the support and help they need if you and your sister are so exhausted with your children's needs that you don't have more to give. They can also access paid support rather than expecting this of you.

I’m allowed to do that.

You can’t expect help from anyone unfortunately. I would get some paid help in for a break. I would also look at what you need to do for your parents and what they just want you to take care of. If you’re working and have a toddler you probably don’t have much time to hands on care unless it’s totally necessary. However if they are well and fit I’d expect similar effort in the relationship, equal visits, them cooking not just you, them planing days out. But you can’t expect childcare.

My parents are like this too, although it falls on my sister as I don't live near them. They are very comfortably off but expect my sister to organise her work day around driving them places. My sister even booked and paid for a taxi for them for a long journey to visit relatives and to return next day, and my dad cancelled it and said his daughter could do it! 😯

I honestly think it's about the whole "acts of service" love style but oh my goodness it's wildly demanding, self absorbed and inappropriate sometimes!

Your family should be your priority now. Step back slowly, ask them to message not call as you are busy. WhatsApp is good for this, share photos and messages when you want. Take time to respond if they message and don’t pick up if they call.
They sound like they are coercively controlling you.

But they don’t have to though regarding childcare as it might be outside of their capabilities and they may not feel comfortable doing it.

They may do other things to help though in place of that.

Of course, because the pervasive view here is that adult children just need to suck it up and run around after their parents, even if that means setting themselves on fire to keep their parents warm.

No

You are being horribly unreasonable.

You are tired, exhausted. You need to preserve your energy for your child abc your work.
I would cut back your support to a couple of hours at the weekend unless your child has needs (which should

And if you don’t want to go on holiday with them, don’t go on holiday with them.

You just need to repeat it’s not your job to organise their life for them or to make them happy . They are adults , agents of their own lives and 70 is no age at all.

if it means they need to learn English, that seems like a good idea anyway

I think a lot of the replies here are pretty harsh.

But ultimately they boil down to the same thing. Culturally in the UK at least, there is very little expectation that you have to support your elderly parents as much as other cultures see this as a requirement. That is, ultimately up to you and whether you feel like you can go against the social norms of your upbringing.

Ultimately your child is your responsibility. If you help your parents it would be nice if they offered help in return. But 2 year olds are hard work. We all know that. Maybe they'll be able to help more when she's older. But in the UK there are wide disparities on how much grandparents help with young kids and again, few social expectations that this has to be a thing they do. So they have a choice.

If you think the demands your parents ask of you are unfair, unreasonable or too much for you now, then you are within your rights to decline them and to push for them to be more independent as, remember, this dependence on you is likely to increase not reduce as they age.

But ultimately whether it would be fair of them to support you more considering all the help you give, is not something you have control over. So all you can control is how much support you give them. Unless you haven't made what you'd like clear with them, in which case, then you are free to try that approach but they may say no. (However, them saying no, may also make it easier for you to say no so that might not be a bad thing.)

I empathise though as my parents are (I'm sorry to say) deeply horrible people who emotionally abused me when I was a child. I'm not saying this happened to you btw. But now they want contact with my son because he's incredibly bright and that rubs off on my dad's feelings of superiority (he's constantly trying to compare himself with him at his age.) So I truly understand that a parent's need to see grandkids can be caught up with so much emotional gumpf from your own upbringing that it can be complicated to unpick.

But ultimately it's very simple. You have choices about how much you see them and how much you support them, your control on the rest of this is very limited. I'd focus there.

Out of all of the info in the OP the bit that would bother me most is calling several times a day. Exhausting!! You have a child. You do t need two more. Take back some time by spending less of it on the phone. What the hell do they have to talk about that often!? And see them less often if it’s grating on you. No need to feel guilty.

You can still help them OP. Just a little less perhaps? Maybe 1 call a day and slightly less visits. When you go away with them do you pay?

Grandparents aren’t there to serve, they’re there to be respected and treasured. What they have to offer in terms of wisdom is a gift to your children that you should be glad to encourage. I’m talking about the good ones of course, not the lazy or the abusive ones, before everyone piles on.

They’re your children OP, you don’t get a break. Out of interest, did your parents get regular breaks from you?

Illuminating.

@OlliEliza your child, your responsibility, you can’t expect them to look after her and parent, that’s your job

I do the same for my parents in terms of booking tickets etc but I would never expect anything in return and no they don’t babysit

If you want time with your husband book a paid babysitter

@OlliEliza stop spending money on holidays and tickets for them and use the money to find and pay for a good babysitter or a cleaner (or both) to free you up or give you some time. You can tell them you can't afford the holidays etc any more as you and DH are exhausted and need to buy in some help.
And give them the access on their terms that works for you. Choices work both ways.

Equally, then, she has no obligation to visit or take them out/on holiday and as they age she has no obligation to offer any support as she didn't ask to be born. Yes?

Absolutely.

It would be kind if she did obviously, but she has no obligation to. It she wants to operate a tit for tat approach with her parents she can. She might want to think what message she's sending her own daughter with that and how her daughter might then treat her in old age. But, you are absolutely right, no obligation.