Parents expect visits but won't offer help with childcare - fair?

[OlliEliza]

My parents live very close to us (less than a mile away), and I’ve always felt we had a good relationship. They’ve always enjoyed spending time with me and my sister since we moved out. They don’t have many friends, and I’d say they rely on us quite a lot – we often take them on holiday, buy tickets for them, help them sort things out, and they call me several times a day.

I have a two-year-old daughter. They love her, but they don’t offer any help with her. They expect me to visit them regularly because they’re used to seeing us. Usually, when we visit, they enjoy her company for a while, but by the end they’re tired and want to go back to their usual routine.

It feels like they want constant access to my child without taking on any responsibility for her ,things like dealing with tantrums, feeding her, or taking her to the playground, and I still have to organise everything for them as their daughter. Sometimes they come over to ours, but it’s the same situation – they’re more like guests.

My dad often says they’ve already raised me and my sister and don’t want to get involved again. They can help if I ask, but they never offer it themselves. And when they have babysat, my dad has seemed annoyed, and neither of them appears particularly happy, which makes me uncomfortable asking again.

My husband and I are constantly exhausted from everyday life – work, chores, and looking after a toddler. I honestly can’t remember the last time we spent proper time together as a couple – going out for a meal feels like a distant dream. I do love my parents, and I understand they don’t have to help with childcare if they don’t want to, but I do feel frustrated that we see each other so often and yet I never get a proper break, or even the chance to have a lie-in now and then (my daughter wakes us at the crack of dawn).AIBU to be annoyed about it?

YANBU, OP.

You don’t have to stop doing everything for them, you just need to cut back massively.

Limit visits to a couple of hours on a Sunday.

Don’t run over to fix every issue. If they have correspondence they need you to help with, tell them to save up the requests so you can look at tnem all together.

If they ask for practical help like gardening, give them the number of a gardener.

If they ask you to fix something, give them the number of a handyman.

You need to train them out of this over reliance.

I don’t disagree. 💯

She has explained her dd gets up at the crack of dawn every day. Coupled with a full time job, that would exhaust anyone.

Yes, absolutely. Relationships are mutual, not all take on one side. They chose to move to the UK and not learn the language yet. If you have a 2 year old, they are unlikely to be very elderly. They should be far more independent and not making constant demands on someone who has a young child and works full time too.

Can I just ask? You mentioned your sis is a single parent with no support. Do you help her and have her child sometimes? I hope so, or it would be pretty hypocritical to expect your parents to step in for you if you don’t step in for your sister.
I also get your parents POV. Sounds like they want to be involved grandparents just not take actual responsibility, which is fine. They don’t have to.
i also understand your POV of needing something and being exhausted. Could you do a bit of a childcare swap with your sister so you both get a bit of a turn. Maybe she could babysit for a few hours and you guys could then have the kids overnight for her to get a break. Sounds like you both might have to put a bit of effort in unless you want to get a paid babysitter.

She is your child.

Pay a babysitter if you want to go out.

OP has a 2 year old who gets up at the crack of dawn everyday, she is not being hypocritical if she doesn’t (big if) add a niece or nephew into the mix.

The grandparents expect several visits every week and lots of help. OP doesn’t expect this from her sister, so where do you think the hypocrisy is?

Or you could do what my next door neighbours do....have friends over at weekends making a lot of noise and the DC have to also turn night into day so they're kept up through the night and sleep in all Saturday or Sunday afternoon 🤷‍♀️

That way you get your long lie. My neighbours do this almost every weekend.

And the grandparents should pay a carer or companion and not exhaust their daughter like this.

I’d step back a bit from helping them if you’re too busy with your child op! We stepped back a bit with mother in law as she still was expecting us to take her to loads of appointments and various other things - yet offers zero help with kids - it got so overwhelming tbh trying to juggle work/parenting etc trying to fit in extra things for her was too much! Also they throw around that line oh I raised you so I’m done - fine - but then they still I bet expect you to look after them when they are old !

I’d step back a bit. Don’t go as often, when they question it say you’re tired.

I think you may have a false sense of reality with regards to how parent/adult children relationships work.

This is why I hate IG and TikTok.

I really, really object to the attitude that you raise a child so they are then obligated to help you once they are an adult. It is a selfish act to have a child. Your child owes you nothing.

OP, I don't think you can expect your parents to do any childcare etc. But you are entitled to pull back on the time you spend with them and the things you do for them, especially as it sounds like it is causing you issues.

You wouldn't expect your child to do for you what you do for your parents in the future, would you?

Just explain to your parents that your daughter is getting older and you no longer have as much time available to spend with them. Gently pull back until the balance feels right to you. You don't owe your parents more time and energy than they are willing to give to you too!

Your sister is single parent so she’s even more stretched than you, surely both of you could help each other.

I think it’s nice if grandparents can help out but it is not an obligation.

I think many adult children who are starting out with their own families, don’t realise how exhausting and difficult it can be to look after young children from a grandparents perspective.

I am old enough to be a grandparent but I’m not, but I do have a toddler niece.

I can manage about 2 hours of care before I start to feel like I’ve had enough.

Looking after someone else’s child, managing the parents expectations and rules around what you can/can’t do/say and remembering how they expect the child to be cared for is a lot to manage when you haven’t looked after a toddler for 20+ years.

Adult children sometimes forget that it is a different level of responsibility when you are the grandparent and not the parent.

I have this foo. I love my mum to bits but she thinks taxis are a waste of money, despite having a very good income and savings.

She expects me to take time off work and drive her to appointments instead of her takung a taxi.

She also receives PIP, I remind her constantly that PIP is meant for things like her taxis so she should use it for what it’s intended for.

I think you’ve missed how exhausted OP is by her parents’ expectation of several visits a week and all the caring that comes with it.

But now you are getting resentful so you need to stop. I dint blame you by the way but these are two different things. I have similar, loads of efffort into helping my mother, nothing in return so I’ve pulled back. Resentment is a bad thing.

@OlliEliza she can still babysit as a single parent and come to your place or take kids to hers for an evening or overnight!

This.

I have two daughters and both have babies. I want to support my daughters as much as possible - and I want time with the babies. So I have set days and will take them when there are appointments. I arrange my part time work around the babies. These are years that we will never get back.

I feel that I am part of that village that it takes to raise a child. Am I really that unusual?

OP I feel for you.

Your parents sound like children themselves, OP. Needy and dependent. How very convenient for them - they raised you and now you "owe them". You owe them nothing. I don't think you can reasonably expect them to babysit. They obviously don't want to. They have no sense of give and take. They are just entitled. I wouldn't want someone like that in charge my child. I would resign from your job of looking after them and parenting them. It sounds like you have 3 children. They will, somewhat belatedly, have to learn to grow up.

YABU - since when were family relationships transactional?

My parents died young and in laws made a big drama of moving 1.5 hours away to be with my sil and do all her childcare. So no help at all with my 3. Tag team care at the weekends and swapped favours with mum friends for nights out.
Fast forward 22 years and they are now very frail moaning they never see us. I gently remind they they moved away and refused to help us. I fill in an odd consult for their surgery and phone once a week. FIL asked me to drive down, take them for a covid jab and drive back (4 hour round trip) as it was "more convenient for them".. I said it wasn't more convenient for me and booked a taxi for them. I asked how many times he had driven his parents anywhere which was met with a silence!

So I think you are unreasonable expecting childcare... Arrange with sister or friends. You are being relied on too much and you need to start setting boundaries. I don't know the back story of why they are here unable to speak English but "I'm not free so much now that daughter is getting bigger", please book your own appointments, do your own shopping etc. They can't be that old surely? Any grumbles by your dad about you supposed to do it.. Grey rock. Sorry that doesn't work for me. Where is your husband in all this?

How old are your parents? I think many younger people don't understand how tired older people can get. I'm 70 and truthfully I'm not half as lively as I was even 5 years ago. I'm sorry OP but having young children is exhausting, being a parent, particularly in today's world is just that. It's a round of never ending work. I often think it was easier in past generations, we went to bed at a certain time and that was that, we didn't get up at the crack of dawn and wake parents unless we were ill. I spent most of my childhood running around outside and getting tired. I didn't expect constant entertainment. Life seems more complicated now. And I don't think it's helping parents.
I know I've gone off topic so apologies.

You are frustrated that you do a lot for them but they don't do much for you in return. So the answer is to do less for them. And do reciprocal childcare with your sister instead.