Parents expect visits but won't offer help with childcare - fair?

[OlliEliza]

My parents live very close to us (less than a mile away), and I’ve always felt we had a good relationship. They’ve always enjoyed spending time with me and my sister since we moved out. They don’t have many friends, and I’d say they rely on us quite a lot – we often take them on holiday, buy tickets for them, help them sort things out, and they call me several times a day.

I have a two-year-old daughter. They love her, but they don’t offer any help with her. They expect me to visit them regularly because they’re used to seeing us. Usually, when we visit, they enjoy her company for a while, but by the end they’re tired and want to go back to their usual routine.

It feels like they want constant access to my child without taking on any responsibility for her ,things like dealing with tantrums, feeding her, or taking her to the playground, and I still have to organise everything for them as their daughter. Sometimes they come over to ours, but it’s the same situation – they’re more like guests.

My dad often says they’ve already raised me and my sister and don’t want to get involved again. They can help if I ask, but they never offer it themselves. And when they have babysat, my dad has seemed annoyed, and neither of them appears particularly happy, which makes me uncomfortable asking again.

My husband and I are constantly exhausted from everyday life – work, chores, and looking after a toddler. I honestly can’t remember the last time we spent proper time together as a couple – going out for a meal feels like a distant dream. I do love my parents, and I understand they don’t have to help with childcare if they don’t want to, but I do feel frustrated that we see each other so often and yet I never get a proper break, or even the chance to have a lie-in now and then (my daughter wakes us at the crack of dawn).AIBU to be annoyed about it?

Come on, you can do better than that. -Here are some things we know about the parents:

1. They don't help out op's sister who is a single parent
2. They don't learn English cause it's easier to rely on the labour of their daughters
3. The father believes that op is obligated to look after them in old age because they raised her.

What picture did that paint to you?

Also, the reason I mention your entitlement is cause you seem to be gearing up already to refuse to help out with grandkids.

I think families should help each other out, but it's a two way street. We should be teaching girls that they don't owe anyone their time and care who doesn't deserve it. Women have carried the burden of obligation for far too long. Op disproportionately helping out her parents will pass this on to her own daughter.

You say they seem tired after a few hours with your DD. That's because they are. You and your DH find life tiring and you are much younger.

Several phone calls a day sounds excessive so I would cut that back. If you feel your parents demand too much from you, do less. They may say you're not being a good daughter but so what?

You and DH need to share getting a lie in at the weekends and being disturbed during the night, if that still happens. Can you and your sister look after each other's DC sometimes?

Or more to the point the OP having the sisters child overnight. Believe me, if the OP is struggling to get a lie in as a two parent household, the poor sister as a single parent has no chance at all of a lie in!

yabu

This.
Your children, your choice.
Suck it up.

Your parents aren't obligated to deal with your child's tantrums etc they're not her parents. Equally you're not obligated to pay for their holidays or take them on your holidays either. You can't tell them they can't see their grandchild unless babysitting is expected in return that would be selfish. Whilst it's lovely if they offer to babysit they don't have to feel like they have to.

Don't take her to see them say we're too busy and tired,they'll soon come and visit.
Bit mean of them to not help,just back off a bit don't be so available

There seems to be some very polarising views on this subject.

For me I think it's crazy that the grandparents don't want to care for their grandchildren - we're lucky that all three sets of our grandparents live close by and love to have our kids. My MIL retired when my mat leave ended as she wanted to do a couple of days a week childcare before mine started school! My partner and I already talk about how we want to make sure we can retire in time to look after our grandchildren (and that we hope our kids have kids so we get to be grandparents!).

I guess for grandparents who don't want to care for their grandchildren, the desire to parent either fades (that could be for many reasons, like their own personal health) or was never really there for some. Obviously they're well within their rights to feel like that and it's helpful if they state it clearly to manage your expectations.

Parenting young children is really hard work, and OP I think its completely reasonable that you tell your parents you'll now have to take a step back from doing all the things you previously did for them (the list sound pretty ridiculous to me, like are they even adults?! Were you a parentified child?). Not in a malicious way in retaliation for them not offering more help, just in practical terms. You can't carry everyone's burdens.

Can't you and your sister take turns babysitting each others kids so you both get a break?

You can't force your parents to babysit, they've made it clear they don't want to. But don't stop asking - they can always say no.

Does DD spend time with their other parent?
Does she go to nursery? I sometimes take a day off work while mine are at nursery for a break.

"My husband and I are constantly exhausted from everyday life – work, chores, and looking after a toddler. " surely you know this before deciding to have a child, it was your choice to have it, so it's your responsibility

It sounds like you do a lot for your parents so I totally understand why you feel upset that they don't offer to help at all. Obviously, in normal circumstances we can't expect grandparents to do childcare but I do think when you are doing so much for your parents that becomes a bit unfair if they don't reciprocate at all.

I would step back a bit. You don't have to stop helping them or visiting them. But you can reduce what you do. Make some time for yourselves by reducing the time you spend doing things for them. That's only fair.

I'd stop taking them on holiday if they're no help. A holiday with a small child is hard work at times and you don't need two parents who need looking after as well.

I understand that it's a cultural thing to help your parents out and it's something I do agree with. But they chose to have children and bring them up. It was their responsibility. That doesn't create an obligation on your part and you shouldn't feel guilty because you're not available on demand. You can still be kind and help them but you need to balance it more.

Accept that your parents can think they're owed something if they want to - it doesn't make it true and you absolutely do not owe them the level of activity which leaves you drained by normal life. Take time for yourself and do not feel guilty about it.

🙄 as I said, she can step back

Should elderly people also suck up non visiting children?

Who pays for the holidays and the tickets you book for them?

They are not a childminding facility, they should be entitled to love and cherish there grandaughter as exactly that, not a cresh.

Have you asked them directly. I do lotsof babysitting and although tiring its great fun. I am asked rather than offer.

Presumably she brought you up and took you to all your medical appointments and basically... whatever you needed as a child.

Did your mum have anyone to do for her what you expect her to do for you?

You don't say how old they are, which is hugely relevant. When my parents first grandchild was born, my Mum was 50. When the last grandchild was born she was 71. Very differing levels of ability between the two ages!

i think it depends on many factors.
If they need your help with life as you suggest they may not be able to take responsibility for a small child.
I dont think access to grandchildren or help in ageing should be bargained for with child care . However, Its up to you if you are able to support them with the things you do.

My husband and I are constantly exhausted from everyday life – work, chores, and looking after a toddler. I honestly can’t remember the last time we spent proper time together as a couple – going out for a meal feels like a distant dream. I do love my parents, and I understand they don’t have to help with childcare if they don’t want to, but I do feel frustrated that we see each other so often and yet I never get a proper break, or even the chance to have a lie-in now and then (my daughter wakes us at the crack of dawn)

Can you and your DH not give each other a break? Take it in turns so you both get lie ins.

Yes families are supposed to help each other. But it sounds like their help to you lasted maybe 16-20 years. Whereas you say you and your sister have been helping them and taking them on holiday since you were both young adults. As they get older they're only going to need more and more care.

So it's 20 years of them caring for you and a life time of you "repaying" it - that doesn't seem fair.

Besides which help should be occasional, as needed. Not every day and every holiday. Chatting to you on the phone multiple times a day isn't something they "need" it's a "want." Same with all their other stuff - translation technology means they could at least have a go and make a start themselves, and how much paperwork etc does one couple need to do on a regular basis?!

They should learn English and travel on their own since they live here.
But I don't understand this "constant access to my child" thing. Don't turn it into a blackmail - your child is not an apartment needing special access. I don't know how far you live from each other but I guess one weekly visit is fine. If they expect more, offer to drop your kid off to them, as you are busy yourself.

So? Family sleepover and vice versa

It can be done

It seems like it would be pretty easy for them to come round and babysit once in a while after you have put the child to bed. Pretty dickish of them to be so uninvolved and be only a mile away. @OlliEliza

Being extremely generous, perhaps they will be better once the child is past the toddler stage.

Just a bit of time away from the kids is what kept us sane when DDs were little. I also echo taking it turns to have a lie in at the weekend.

Did you ask?

And does everything have to be transactional?