Parents expect visits but won't offer help with childcare - fair?

[OlliEliza]

My parents live very close to us (less than a mile away), and I’ve always felt we had a good relationship. They’ve always enjoyed spending time with me and my sister since we moved out. They don’t have many friends, and I’d say they rely on us quite a lot – we often take them on holiday, buy tickets for them, help them sort things out, and they call me several times a day.

I have a two-year-old daughter. They love her, but they don’t offer any help with her. They expect me to visit them regularly because they’re used to seeing us. Usually, when we visit, they enjoy her company for a while, but by the end they’re tired and want to go back to their usual routine.

It feels like they want constant access to my child without taking on any responsibility for her ,things like dealing with tantrums, feeding her, or taking her to the playground, and I still have to organise everything for them as their daughter. Sometimes they come over to ours, but it’s the same situation – they’re more like guests.

My dad often says they’ve already raised me and my sister and don’t want to get involved again. They can help if I ask, but they never offer it themselves. And when they have babysat, my dad has seemed annoyed, and neither of them appears particularly happy, which makes me uncomfortable asking again.

My husband and I are constantly exhausted from everyday life – work, chores, and looking after a toddler. I honestly can’t remember the last time we spent proper time together as a couple – going out for a meal feels like a distant dream. I do love my parents, and I understand they don’t have to help with childcare if they don’t want to, but I do feel frustrated that we see each other so often and yet I never get a proper break, or even the chance to have a lie-in now and then (my daughter wakes us at the crack of dawn).AIBU to be annoyed about it?

I don't agree with this at all.

I am very close with my parents. In fact, I'm caring for them now with my siblings. And they didn't do a lot of babysitting of my children. I just didn't expect it.

As for me, I love my kids but I don't always love being a parent. IN fact, I don't love it at all. I'm not naturally good at it in any way. I have no attention of being an overly involved grandparent. I hope I have a nice relationship with my grandchildren if I ever have any but truth be told, DH and I have a lot of travel plans that I don't intend to put on hold.

I'm a firm believer in only having children if you know you can be fully responsible for them. Everything else is a nice to have, not a must have.

I think YABU expecting childcare help from them, but equally they are BU expecting help from you.

step back from the excessive contact, next time they want help or running around be too busy with your daughter. On on a tit for tat basis but to stop yourself feeling bitter. Have a bit of a pause as it were.

They sound a bit selfish.

You will feel less resentful if you do less for them and be less available.

I think YABU to expect them to help look after toddler. They don’t have to and it’s nice they still want to spend time with you all.

buy YANBU to step back from them. It’s sounds exhausting doing things for them as well as looking after your toddler. What on earth do you talk about?

After a couple of years they should be able to to have learnt to speak basic English. But regardless, you need to get on with your life. How do you work with the calls and visits?

does toddler go to nursery - that would give you some time. Any mum friends who can share babysitting?

could sister have hers and yours so you and DH can go out? Then you have yours and hers so she can go out??

YABU. She’s your child, not there’s.

Get a babysitter like a normal adult.
Your grandparents are doing normal grandparent stuff.
It isn’t their fault you’re exhausted and haven’t had a date night.

Sorry meant 'do pull back on helping them'

My dad believes that it’s a child’s responsibility to help their parents because they raised us. So it feels like my obligations are to raise my child and support them as well. That’s why I would probably feel guilty if I stepped back—I’ve always wanted to be a good daughter.
At the same time, I feel like it’s a one-sided relationship, as someone mentioned here. We do everything we can for them, and it would be nice to have something in return.

Frankly, I don’t blame them. Your attitude is awful! And probably why they don’t offer

I think YABU to expect help. But also you don’t have to visit. Scale back. Tell them you’re too busy or too tired to visit them and stop going as regularly.

Or say sorry mum I’ve got xyz to do. You can look after Nancy if you want to see her, if not it’s no problem but we don’t have time to come today.

They have expectations which are currently being met, you have expectations which are not being met. Neither of you are obliged to do anything you don’t want to do

Fine for them to not want to help. Fine for you to dial back your support now you have your child. In terms of getting a break, you and your husband need to give each other downtime. Like each have a lay on at the weekend

Just because that’s what your Dad believes doesn’t mean you have to believe it too. Make your own mind up. Your life, your energy. Choose how to spend it.

For some reason your post has attracted all the people who think it's reasonable to not help your family especially when you have clearly helped them a lot.

I suggest you look at other similar threads on here and usually people say it's completely understandable for you to feel like this and usually grandparents love to have a fair, helpful relationship with their daughter.

You just need to accept them for who they are but also forge your own life as an adult. If your dad thinks it's your job to help him that's his opinion, you don't have to agree with it. You have your own family to concentrate on, especially as you don't have family help

Yes, I think that's fair.

OP has literally said nothing that constitutes as an awful attitude, stop being a dick!

A couple of questions; if your Dad believes the child’s responsibility it to care for their parents, how much caring has he done for his parents and in-laws? Are they still alive? Does he support them in anyway?

Secondly, you’re a grown adult now and you’re allowed your own beliefs. So if you can believe in more reciprocal relationships, I.e. you’re happy to help your parents, if they support you with your child, you can tell them that’s your belief.

But, if they don’t want to help with childcare etc, you’ve had lots of good suggestions on here: take it in turns to get a lay in with your DH, swap babysitting favours with your sister, spend money on childcare, rather than on your parents.

Essentially, you’re a grown up now and a parent, so work out what YOU believe is the right way to live and do that, others can only impose their beliefs on you if you let them.

But you are not entitled to anything back from them, you need to understand this. Even if you tell them they should, even if 100% of replies on here tell you they should, they don’t have to.

But you do have control over how you respond. You don’t had to take them on holiday, look after them, take them in days out. All of that is your choice.

Break the cycle. You don't owe them for raising you. They chose to have children, just like you have. The child isn't obligated to pay back the adults who raised them.

Fear, Obligation, Guilt. Clear the FOG.

To be fair, I don't think anyone here has said that OP should continue to do so much for her parents if she doesn't want to!

I wish my grandson lived that close to us…sadly he lives 150 miles away 🙁. I would jump at the chance to spend time with him every day. I am sure you feel deep in the trenches atm….it will become easier, honestly. Concentrate on your own little family. X

Generally I'd say it's cheeky to expect someone to do stuff for you when you do nothing back, so expecting you to sort out stuff, and visit them, is rude (just like if your friend expects you to always be doing the heavy lifting). Yes, it's all very well saying they raised you, but that was their decision-and when you choose to be a parent, you are effectively choosing to POSSIBLY be a grandparent-and you shouldn't cherry-pick the trophy bits!
The exception is obviously if their health prevents it. If I genuinely wasn't well enough to help my kids when they grow up, I would still hope they'd visit, but I certainly wouldn't expect it all the time, and I definitely wouldn't expect them to run round after me if I just chose not to bother helping them.

You are not being unreasonable. I know ageing parents who still expect their adult children to visit them, do chores for them, etc (and the children’s involvement increases as parents get older and more needy) but they don’t want to help with grandchildren.
I have many friends who spend at least some of their weekends looking after elderly parents, arranging hospital appointments, home repairs etc. Some of these parents refused to help with childcare when my friends had small children, but unfortunately my friends can’t refuse to help them in old age now because, if they do, there would simply be no one else to help. Even those who have carers need so much more than the couple of hours a day they receive from careers.
Parents should not expect anything in return for raising children, but parents expecting help in old age should reciprocate by helping with grandchildren.

Aside from that, I don’t understand how people can be completely committed to their children when they’re small and be willing to do anything for them, but once they grow up they’re not willing to help with grandchildren. This would mean not only to help their own children, but to spend time bonding with the children of their children.

In my culture, it’s almost a given that parents will help look after grandchildren, and children will take care of their elderly parents. This way everyone feels supported at every stage of their life and the bond between parents and children and grandparents and grandchildren is much stronger.

@OlliElizaYou have been taking them on holiday for years?! Too bad they haven’t learnt English. This relationship is too one sided. You really do need to step back so they do gain independence. They will just take and take if you don’t. What is the point of going on holiday when them if they don’t help ? A daughter’s role isn’t to do exactly as she’s told. Say you wish to be a good mother first and foremost and that they need to be more self sufficient.

You need to concentrate on your 2 year old, your relationship with your husband and your metal health which will deteriorate if you are overwhelmed and exhausted.

Speaking on the phone 3 times a day is a ridiculous waste of time. You need to pull back a lot.

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