Parents expect visits but won't offer help with childcare - fair?

[OlliEliza]

My parents live very close to us (less than a mile away), and I’ve always felt we had a good relationship. They’ve always enjoyed spending time with me and my sister since we moved out. They don’t have many friends, and I’d say they rely on us quite a lot – we often take them on holiday, buy tickets for them, help them sort things out, and they call me several times a day.

I have a two-year-old daughter. They love her, but they don’t offer any help with her. They expect me to visit them regularly because they’re used to seeing us. Usually, when we visit, they enjoy her company for a while, but by the end they’re tired and want to go back to their usual routine.

It feels like they want constant access to my child without taking on any responsibility for her ,things like dealing with tantrums, feeding her, or taking her to the playground, and I still have to organise everything for them as their daughter. Sometimes they come over to ours, but it’s the same situation – they’re more like guests.

My dad often says they’ve already raised me and my sister and don’t want to get involved again. They can help if I ask, but they never offer it themselves. And when they have babysat, my dad has seemed annoyed, and neither of them appears particularly happy, which makes me uncomfortable asking again.

My husband and I are constantly exhausted from everyday life – work, chores, and looking after a toddler. I honestly can’t remember the last time we spent proper time together as a couple – going out for a meal feels like a distant dream. I do love my parents, and I understand they don’t have to help with childcare if they don’t want to, but I do feel frustrated that we see each other so often and yet I never get a proper break, or even the chance to have a lie-in now and then (my daughter wakes us at the crack of dawn).AIBU to be annoyed about it?

YABU to be annoyed, yes.

She's your child, not theirs. They have no obligation to parent their Grandchildren.

Ynbu.

Yes, yabu. They enjoy seeing you both, but they don't want to be the ones chasing after her and taking her to the toilet and the parenting stuff. That's your role, not theirs.

I do feel frustrated that we see each other so often and yet I never get a proper break, or even the chance to have a lie-in now and then (my daughter wakes us at the crack of dawn).

Tag team with your husband so you each get a break / chance to have a lie-in?

I’d expect grandparents to be happy to babysit in an emergency (assuming they’re healthy enough), but managing the day to day life is really down to the parents. It’s fantastic if you have grandparents that actively want to do childcare, but they have done their time raising children.

Seems fine to me.

Stop sorting stuff out for them then , just concentrate on your little family , can your sister not babysit for a night ?

Why do you go on holiday with them? Seems like they want their cake and eat it. Start putting down some boundaries so you can have your family life.

she is a single parent and she's in the same boat with me

You can’t make them want to look after your DD, but you can tell them you’re too busy to help them at times.

You and your sister need to support each other- take turns to have all the DC, do sleepovers etc. and do less for your parents.

i think it’s nice they want to see you so often – don’t all good family and friends want that? What’s spending time together got to do with getting childcare in exchange?

The separate issue is that you seem to resent doing things for them and helping them out. Say no if you resent it that much?

You can be disappointed that you’re not offered childcare, but you’re not entitled to it.

They don't know English and feel uncomfortable to travel on their own. So we've been taking them on holidays since we were young adults

Your parents have no obligation to offer you any childcare or help, no. That’s absolutely fine.

You don’t have to organise tickets, holidays and days out with them if you don’t want to though-they can ‘expect’ what they like, but it doesn’t mean it will happen.

I started off in your corner OP but now think yabu.

oooo you don’t get lie ins? That’s your dh problem. Welcome to parenthood you don’t get evenings and weekends off as standard!!
I have 3 young kids (5 and under). I don’t get many lie ins (maybe til 7:45 if I’m lucky and husband has done since 6:30am). We don’t get weekends to lounge around and make fresh coffee and read the papers. One day we will, when are kids are older.

having a toddler - this is the season you are in? Exhausted? Yah join the club

I found this so frustrating with mine too. I never expected childcare whilst working or babysitting to go out or to get a lie in but a tiny bit of support like offering to sit with DD for half an hour whilst I went to the dentist or similar would have made a world of difference.

I must admit it has made me take a step back as my parent has aged too. I don’t see why I should take a day off work to drive her to a hospital appointment when she couldn’t even be bothered to offer me half an hour so I could get to the dentist.

It feels like they want constant access to my child without taking on any responsibility for her

Ummm....remind us again whose child it is?

I can’t imagine seeing my dd frazzled and not offering to help out occasionally.
How old are your parents op?

Totally!

Of course your child is your responsibility. And of course your parents would be guests in your house, they don't live there! What odd things to say.

What you and your DH need is a babysitter for an evening, and to give each other time.

YABU I’m sorry OP. We take our children to my parents because they love her and seeing her but it is not their responsibility to deal with tantrums/feeding etc just because we are there, they are still my children. It’s the beauty of being a grandparent- all the lovely bits with none of the responsibility.

It almost feels like you think each visit should = childcare and are annoyed it doesn’t?

If you want to step back from helping them then you can do that, but being annoyed about them not offering childcare is unreasonable. I would also say toddlers can be a lot to deal with at any age, but my parents are in pretty good health/fitness and I know they would struggle to look after her now at their ages.

YABU
This is your child, not theirs.

It’s “your turn” to raise children now - your dad’s comment can be turned to your advantage.
I’d stop being so available to them - and definitely not go on holiday with them.
Prioritise yourself for a change.

It sounds like they do help out occasionally though...

This. I mean, it’s not pay per view.

YABU
I never understand why people feel grandparents should be minding their child. They have already raised their kids, they should be allowed to enjoy seeing their grandchildren without having to look after them.

@OlliEliza I’d stop talking to them so
much. Several times a day is excessive. Three times a week is plenty. Stop pandering to them by visiting. Don’t expect anything back . Your dad has made it clear what their views are, so stop looking after them. They have decided what they want, so let them get on with it.

I think engaged grandparents do offer help but yours seem self centred. It’s a shame but be far more judicious about what you invite them to. Do you need them on holiday with you? What’s the point of that if they don’t take on a grandparent role? You are far too involved at the moment so I’d say I’d got things to keep me more than busy as a mum and wife. After all, they understand about being single minded so I’m sure they will get it!