Would you judge me if I was your colleague?

[stressystress]

I’m off work long-term (3 weeks in) due to stress and trauma related to serious domestic abuse and ongoing legal matters (divorce, family court, police investigation and forcing a house sale). I’m a single parent to a toddler and I only work part time anyway. I’d only been back at work 6 months from maternity leave before I got signed off. I wasn’t sleeping well or concentrating, and the stress and pressure of everything has been, and is, so much to wade through, all at the same time.

I am really worried my manager thinks I am taking too much time off. I have been off for 3 weeks so far. She knows the context and was very sympathetic to my situation until I went off work. I have just had my fit note renewed and she sounded less than happy through the phone. Within minutes into the call she had mentioned the absence policy, what stage I was already at and how it can ultimately lead to disciplinary, asked me if it was anything about my actual role that I am not getting on with and kept saying things like ‘even more time off’.

By way of context, I have had zero sick leave since returning from maternity leave and have picked up extra work where I can. Before I had my baby I had been in the same team a few years and I think I was only ever sick once before being pregnant. I try my best to be as reliable as I can, I hate taking time off but these are really stressful extenuating circumstances that would be horrible individually never mind all at once.

What can I do? I work for a large employer with very decent policies on the whole, I am part of a union and have forwarded any correspondence between me and my manager to them so far. I have asked for an occupational health referral. I’m trying to keep a paper trail just in case I need it.

Does anyone have any advice/support of this situation? I can foresee I might need to extend my sick note again and dread having to phone my manager again.

It’s a small team within a much larger organisation, and it’s probably strain on them that I am not there. I feel sick thinking they will all think I am just slacking or can’t be bothered, when actually, I love my job and I’d much prefer to have an ordinary carry on and be at work right now!

You've been signed off due to stress following very serious issues. Anyone who judges you is a fool.

I understand why you feel worried, but you've done nothing wrong - this is why your organisation has good sickness support.

Don’t let your manager get to you. You’re doing everything right. You’re going through a horrible time, and I am sending you love and strength.

Do you have to speak to your manager as that seems to be adding to your stress and anxiety? I’ve been off sick for 3 years and I deal with my manager and HR by email rather than phone. Would that help to do that as she is less likely to be critical in writing?

Policy says call unless otherwise agreed with your manager. My manager always said it is fine to text, and that’s what she preferred, until when I told her I needed to be off work. She then insisted I called her otherwise I wasn’t following policy. The shift was really confusing.

3 years!

Your manager should be signing you off work. I'm sorry she is making this difficult for you. Since your situation is accute, you'll just have to pull up your big-girl pants for this one. Strength and courage to you!

As your 'shop-floor' team colleague, I won't know why you're not at work. Quite rightly, as per protocol, our manager won't be saying anything unless you give her something to say. I'll be wondering about why you are not at work and worrying about you but not aware what your desperate situation is. Any attempts to ask our manger will be, correctly for legal reasons, shut down.

Thank you. I am afraid she thinks of me badly, even though I should just shrug it off, it’s adding to my pressure, because I love my job. I feel like she doesn’t particularly want me on the team and I’m just worried about how I will look. Not sure if it’s the time to speak to her manager (not as a complaint, more a this is the situation type thing) or if that’ll go down terribly. I really don’t know

It’s tricky. How long do you think you will be off for?

I am honestly surprised she mentioned the absence policy to you under the circumstances!

Is it possible your manager is not very confident at dealing with long-term sickness and trying to make sure she tells you everything she legally has to?

Your situation sounds horrible and I am sorry you're experiencing it. It's a huge amount to deal with at a time in life which involves big transitions and shifts anyway, and which can make you feel veey vulnerable anyway.

Unfortunately, when there is too much pressure, you have to put down one thing for a little bit, and you can't stop being a parent, so it is work which you have to drop (even if that would possibly be the thing which would keep you sane!).

It may well be putting pressure on your team and your manager. She shouldn't be conveying this to you but it can be hard not to show it. However, you need to take what time you need to adjust and recover so you can go back ready to work.

Our work has voluntary Domestic Abuse Advocates and you’d be getting welfare visits from you boss to check how you were and on your safety.
Don't even worry about your boss not understanding. You could be off for a few months. Give it time and don’t go back before you are truly ready.

Unsure, probably a couple to a few months? I’ve never done anything like this before but my head is all over atm and there is so much pressure. She mentioned the absence thing within literally a few minutes of being on the phone :(

@CoffeeCup14 thank you so much for that, I think you’ve hit the nail on the head! It’s all a lot altogether, my priority is always and will always be little one.

For the love of God don't speak to her manager unless you want to make things worse for yourself.

And I must admit I would be judging you, as unfair as that makes me. I hope things improve for you very soon.

Afraid so

Thank you for being honest. Can I ask why, just so I have a bit of understanding on what they might also be thinking

Op it's very possible that she doesn't think badly of you at all, but is focused on her own stuff reassigning your workload which quite frankly is a 'her' problem and nothing to do with you.

You are off for very valid reasons, you deserve to heal and recover and rebuild stability in your life and focus on your little one and yourself. You're absolutely right to keep your union in the loop. They also have a duty of care to you as an employee surely, and if you went back too early and then under performed that would probably be worse for you than being off sick.

What has your union rep advised you?

I think given the circumstances op it's also very important to remember that you are likely hyper vigilant right now to any sort of tension or atmosphere and as such you could well tie yourself in knots worrying about things that don't really concern you or reading into tone and trying to guess intentions etc. And it won't do you any favours even though its a completely natural trauma response to domestic abuse.

Are you getting counselling/ working with womans aid? I'd just say make sure any counsellor you are working with is able to demonstrate that they've trained in domestic abuse as not all counsellors who say they are informed in this, actually are. You deserve someone who really gets it.

You are asking why people judge. I think it is human nature for some people to think if someone is not working, they are being lazy or trying to get 'free' time off. But you know that is not the case for you. Don't worry what other people think. Nobody should be treating you differently for being off sick

Thing is I don’t necessarily think she has done anything wrong in mentioning the policy to you?

If you are going to be off for months can they bring in a temp?

Is it not best to get your Dr to sign you off for an extended period rather than keep having to extend your sick note

If you had got signed off for 8 weeks at the start then maybe she would have had time to adjust and plan

To answer your question, yes probably a little bit. You've been off on maternity leave and then back a few months and then on sick leave. Managing that is extra work. That's not to say you shouldn't be off etc, or people aren't sympathetic, but they aren't your friends and its human nature to think about how a colleague's absence impacts them, and not usually for the better. And don't speak to your manager's manager, it doesn't seem like your manager has done anything wrong, you are absent so its important you know what the absence policy is.

Op in all honesty what are you looking for in asking this? What they're thinking of you (kindly) is not your problem and none of your business either. What one poster on here thinks is not representative of your team in any way. Noone on here can tell you what they may be thinking but in asking you're just trying to predict so you can 'plan' for worst case. Again it's a trauma response and it's not actually helping you it's just a very fried nervous system scouting out possible danger. I know this because I have the same trauma response although I'm a bit further down the road in terms of recovery than you right now.

The best thing you can do honestly is speak to your union, hold your head high (you've safeguarded yourself and your child through more than they'll ever know so you don't owe them any explanation) and just keep focusing on yourself. If they judge you that is on them and is probably more a reflection of a poor workplace culture and lack of awareness than anything to do with you. So don't put that on your shoulders on top of everything that you're already dealing with. Just try to focus on what is actually within your control.

Thing is I don’t necessarily think she has done anything wrong in mentioning the policy to you?

Agree. She/the employer needs to be sure that op is aware of the policy. She sent it immediately after the phone call because that's when she was thinking about it, so she could cross it off her list.

You would be judging somebody for being off work for something including domestic violence? Have a word with yourself and find some compassion. Even if you didn't know why she was off it has absolutely fuck all to do with you.

Gp's won't always do that, they like to review regularly to ensure people are safe etc...

No, I wouldn’t judge you at all, if I was your colleague or manager. I’d feel a lot of sympathy for you

If i was having to cover your work on top of my own work? for sure i wouldn't be happy about it.

Your manager was right to remind you what the policy is, and to insist that you follow policy for calling in sick.

She could be worrying that she now has to portion out your work to your colleagues, and as the one who will have to do that, she will bear the brunt of their unhappiness/anger.

Whether they judge you or not is up to them. You should be concentrating on yourself and taking the time off that your doctors think you need. Everyone has their problems but they don't concern anyone else, tbh.