My parents are sleeping in chairs in the living room

[Pigeonangel]

And I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

I live very close and visit often. Always have done, am happy to. They're good company and have been fantastic parents and grandparents. When DH was terminally ill, and subsequently died, I honestly don't know how I'd have got through it without them.

That was only 5 years ago, they were there constantly for all of us, helping with house and car repairs, running errands etc. Until they hit 80 they were amazing sprightly older people who could do anything - furious at the suggestion they might be "vulnerable" during lockdown 🤣

How things change. In a matter of months they've both had health issues that mean their mobility is badly affected. Until recently it always seemed to be worse for one at a time and they're a great team so got by supporting each other, without asking or wanting much from me.

Now Mum can shuffle a bit with a frame and Dad is unable to walk at all. Last night they both slept in chairs downstairs. Mum suffles about to get food, do some cleaning and bring him a bed bottle etc. She managed to do a roast dinner for them both at the weekend, although I can't believe for a minute that would have been safe.

Mentally they are both totally with it, the house is perfectly livable (ie not dirty, if not practical), they seem OK from a personal hygiene pov, and are insisting they don't need anything from me or social services, they slept well last night and can manage.

Am I supposed to just leave it at that? I'm feeling very overwhelmed. It's just me with DH gone, my DC live away and DSis is also several 100 miles away but has lots of opinions on how Mum and Dad should behave.

I don't know what to do.

Get an appointment with the GP and referral/self refer to physio and OT.
To check if anything reversible/treatable and adapt if not.

But how do "I" do that if it's not what they want?

They are mentally competent? And saying they don’t want help? Then I’d express concern, make them aware I’m willing and able to see what can be done to help (eg medical appointment, or could their house be rearranged to have a bedroom downstairs at all if necessary), and then I’d back off.

Do they have a dining room that can be converted into a bedroom? Do they have reclining armchairs to at least get into a more comfortable position if sleeping in the living room temporarily?

Is there a downstairs room that can be turned into a bedroom? Order a bed to be delivered. Are you far away from them?

They will also need carers. Talk about it as helping your mum, making life easier.

If they're ok, what are your concerns? Being old is not a disease, right? If they are mentally competent, financially okay and mobility, albeit limited, is not endangering them, what's the issue?

Yes, that would be possible.....but not without their agreement?

Ah, sorry, I see. I'd try and talk, explain might be worth seeing what the various teams have to offer, they don't need to accept it if they don't want it.

There might be a treatable cause for the deterioration, which surely they would want, to regain some mobility? Small things can make a big difference in terms of adaptations, higher toilet seat, frames etc.

What are they worried about? That all control/decisions will be taken from them? If you can reassure on that front, it might help them be more accepting?

Age UK have useful resources.
Sorry, it's so hard

I think it probably is endangering them. Should someone who can shuffle a bit with the aid of a frame be making a roast dinner? She doesn't look safe with a kettle tbh.

An OT assessment, with changes / stair lift / walk in shower / grab rails etc, might mean they can stay independent and together in their house for longer. Can you try and sell it to them that way?

They are both seeing doctors/on waiting lists for the issues. That's one of the reasons for the reluctance to make changes at home. It might all be temporary. Hopefully that's right, but it's not going to resolve quickly.

Also sometimes helpful to spell out what you're worried about, eg if you trip and fall mum, I'm worried you'd have to go to hospital/could break your hip....I want to prevent that/reduce the risk

Do you have power of attorney for them? If they are rapidly declining I would have those discussions now.

I think being able to shuffle with a frame is ok? Especially at 80? I think if you were saying that they were falling, or not cleaning or losing weight through not eating etc that would be a different story but using mobility aids and managing to do everything else ok doesn't seem alarming to me?

I say this as someone who has inlaws the same age and so not saying without understanding. I often do discrete 'health checks' on them. They are slower than they once were, their world is shrinking etc but they are still alert and independent.

My inlaws did this. They steadfastly did not want support. That phase lasted 2 or 3 years. It was tough. Like you, this was in the context of a loving supportive family, but when their turn came they did not want it. It must be awful for them to be recognising their life stage. My heart goes out to you all.

Are they able to Bath or shower? Or is it a case of "a bits and pits" wash at a sink.
What about toileting?

You just have to stop worrying, let them live as they wish. Don’t interfere.

My mum says “You live your life as you wish and leave me to live mine.” So that’s what I do!
Shes knocking up 100. Still has all her faculties, just a bit frail but no help in her flat. etc.

Sad to say, but going by experience, a crisis will eventually occur which will reframe every thing. Support as best you can until then. It’s hard to leg go but just be ready to pick up the pieces.

Could you use this, say you'll organise help/adaptations, temporarily, until issues can be addressed/got their appointments etc...

You could suggest it and offer to help set it up but if they refuse (and are competent to do so) you have to respect their choice. Maybe frame it as 'I know your OK now, but why don't you get it sorted now while your still able, so it's ready if you need it'. If it's adaptations they can buy in themselves, that might be easier for them to accept.

They've been washing each other, including hair, at the kitchen sink.

Until the last couple of days they could use the loo, but now Dad is using a bottle.

First of all, do you have POA over their medical and financial needs?

Secondly, I would speak to their GP and ask for an occupational therapist to come out for a visit. Would they accept it if they thought it was a routine visit?

My dad was resistant to the idea of having a cleaner and actually said my sister could do it but soon saw sense and that made a world of difference. Their cleaner used to come to sort out the house but also told them about other people (who they knew) who were the same age - she told my parents how these other people resolved similar problems. They took it from her far better than from us. "You've been paying taxes all your life, now's the time to get pay back!" - they thought that was great but when we'd suggested anything similar we were told we were wrong.

Their doctor's surgery had someone who was in charge of elderly patients - is there someone like that at their doctor's?

As for your sister, I wouldn't volunteer information and if she told me what I should be doing I'd tell her to get down here and do it herself.

It sounds like quite a rapid decline, doesn't it? (I've just read about your dad's bottle.) It's really time for a doctor to see them both.

Yes, I've been trying that rack for many months now.

My sister is much more stroppy direct with them. Neither seems to help.

@Pigeonangel we’re in a similar position with inlaws. They live 5 mins away we've now implemented Weds night dinner at theirs where we cook, look at admin, bills that need paying, etc. Dad in law is no longer driving so if they want to go anywhere DH or I take them. You've got to be upfront about concerns and have the conversation. It may take a few chats.

Personally if it were me and my siblings we would order a couple of reclining armchairs and tell them that's what we had done, because my parents would always baulk at spending money and would say they were fine to avoid it, whereas we have the money to be able to do things like that. How would that go down if it were something you could do financially?