Am I making myself look silly socialising with younger colleagues at lunch?

[Needtoughlove]

I am wondering about age differences in the office and what your take is on it.

I work in a team of 9 women. 3 of us are 45 and over and the remaining women ages range from 23 to 26.

I get on well with everyone. The two older ladies take their lunches at their desks whereas the younger ladies tend to go out to lunch.

I will sometimes go out for lunch with the group. It is not a clique group and is very much open to whoever wants to go. They are all getting mortgages and settling down and we talk about all sorts. I do have children in their 20’s so sometimes feel old when I reference something they are doing but I wouldn’t say uncomfortable.

I had a meeting with one of the other older ladies and we were just chatting and it was referenced that they was an age disparity in the office. I said that I didn’t really feel it and she said “well that’s because you are always trying to be down with the kids”. I pulled her up on it straight away and she assured me that no one had said anything but from her perspective, she felt it strange that I wanted to hang out with the 20 somethings. I assured her that they were colleagues and it was just nice to get out of the office at lunch but now I wonder if I am making myself look silly.

It has me overthinking now. Are they just asking me along as they are nice people and don’t want to leave anyone out? Should I graciously bow out and take myself off for a walk.

I'm surprised there's any negative comments on here (well actually no I'm not as it's MN) but I can't see she anyone would think anything negatively about this. Friendship and lunch companions can be any age. The other ladies should chill out and try lunching with the younger ladies. You carry on, I enjoy socialising with people of all ages, it doesn't matter.

If op was invited to go clubbing with them why would the colleague have a point?

I dont know what "dressing like them" means either. I see a colleague of any age wearing a top i like, ask where she got it, may or may not buy the same/similar, colleague does same with me, we all do. I dont see how thats an issue

Its completely normal as an adult I've gone to colleagues 18th birthdays and colleagues 60th birthdays.

20 years ago I worked at a senior girls' school, and became friends with a variety of staff there.

One of them was 24 when we met, I was 47.
We became, and still are, really good friends. We have seen each other through divorce (one each), birth of children (2 for her), family breakdowns, dating after divorce (both), and a wedding (hers).
I am godmother to her son, was a bridesmaid at her second wedding, and we are there for each other.
Our friendship has been supportive and enriching and we both value it very much.

There's no problem with you joining younger colleagues for lunch. Your older colleagues 'down with the kids' comment was either just her being bitchy, or she's just very unimaginative when it comes to friendships and life experiences.

Ignore her and carry on.

It’s not like your tagging along when they go clubbing is it? Go and enjoy your lunch with them occasionally and leave the others ‘oldies’ to clutch their pearls.

Just ignore the comment. My friend is 70 & I’m 44 we met at work, some people may not get it but we just click & have a lot in common.

In my first job there was a similar distribution of ages, and I didn’t think twice about the older colleagues socialising with us young ones. First and foremost, they were nice women. But also, I think it did us good to chat to people with more experience of the world and workplace.

I used to go out for coffee, make dinner at my house at the weekend and invite my colleague over that was nearly 50 years older than me, it wasn't unprofessional, we just got on well.
I don't think people should be scared to make genuine friendships with colleagues outside of work or many adults would be rather lonely if the only friends they could keep were the ones they met when they weren't working.

When I was the youngster I didn't think about the age of colleagues, just whether I enjoyed working with them. (Same applies now I'm definitely not the youngster!)

As someone the same age as you, i am personally quite bored of talking to people my age about all the mundane shit we all do and go through (cannot be arsed to have one more conversation about menopause) so i would love to be able to chat with some 20 somethings about all the fun/interesting goings on in their lives.

Work relationships and close personal relationships are different things. Cliquey offices where some people are close friends and others are not and feel left out are shitty places to work. Work friendships and outside of work friendships are different beasts - one normally remains context appropriate (everyone is a work colleague and aware of the primary importance of their work connection), and the other risks inappropriate overspill. That’s why there is a potential issue. If all work colleagues are doing is occasionally having lunch together in a large group to which anyone in the office is welcome, that is as benign and healthy as it gets.

Some of my favourite colleagues are 10-30 years older than myself

If is didn’t socialise with colleagues who were older or younger than me I’d have no one to talk to! Intergenerational friendships can be precious and rewarding. Just enjoy your time with them.

Scared - no. Cautious - yes.

there aren't enough opportunities in life for non-family multi-generational socialising and friendship - and yet it's really important for the functioning of society - it's how we learn ( in both directions) and don't get stuck in stereotypes and silos.

I loved socialising with older colleagues when I was in my 20s ( teaching) and I have many work colleagues and friends now who are 20/30 years younger than me. enjoy your lunches, your other colleague is probably just a bit jealous

This feels like a separate point, but are you suggesting colleagues shouldn't have friendships out of work in case someone feels left out?

No, not at all, I’m just pointing out that close friendships in a workplace are potentially problematic. It depends on the professionalism of the people involved. I think work lunch breaks are a great opportunity for wider socialisation with work colleagues of all sorts and should be viewed in that light. If you are only pursuing close friendships in your lunch break, or are ignoring your colleagues entirely, you are missing out on something positive.

I have friends of all ages. I'm late 50s
Some are in their 20s.

Workmate may be a bit jealous?

Not weird at all. 2 of my closest friends I met at my last job; I’m late 20’s and one is early 50’s, one mid 60’s. We never run out of things to talk about and meet up once a month for dinner and cocktails, and have been on holiday/lots of day trips.

Ah ok, im still not sure how that relates to the comment about the colleague having a point if the op was going clubbing/dressing like them and me querying why that would be an issue.

Do agree close friendships in work - any where - have potential to be problematic, but that doesnt appear to be an issue here.

Definitely one of the best things about work, I’d agree. In my 20’s I worked with a mix of people and some of the much older women were lovely and really helped guide me through some very difficult times. In my 40’s I worked with mostly 20’s and the girls used to corner me in the kitchen for relationship/ life advice so it was nice to be able to pay forward the help I’d had. Unrelated but kind of relevant that i noticed when I was younger (80’s)was the difference between north and south on a night out. Up north it would be single mixed age mostly family groups whereas down south more likely to be a mixed sex group around same age.

i wonder if that’s changed.

My best mate in work is in her 60s and I’m 36! Who cares?!

I didn’t make the comment about clubbing or dressing like the 20-somethings, I just answered your question about why going out clubbing at night with work colleagues is different from having lunch with them during the working day. Personally, I don’t think there is anything much that can encourage a good work relationship in clubbing with a work colleague, and a lot that can potentially be a negative - they would have to be a close friend, imvho, to want to go clubbing with them, as what you can learn about a person in a noisy nightclub late at night is not the sort of thing I feel I would want or need to know about my work colleagues in order to facilitate my working relationships and work friendships.

I know you didnt make the comment.

I also didnt ask why going clubbing was different to lunch. The pp said the colleague would have a point if op was going clubbing, I asked why if op had been invited.

Then you posted about work cliques making people feel left out .

Well precisely - you asked why going out clubbing would be different… 🧐