WWYD persons comment about my child

[penguin816]

We were at a coastal area on bank holiday, in a long queue for ice cream. DS5 was getting pretty fidgety and decided to go over to some shingle adjacent to the queue and play with stacking the stones, all fine. After a while he started playing with some dry dirt and the wind was blowing it into the air. We thought it might blow into the queue so DH went over and told DS to stop playing with the dirt. DS stopped but then quickly started again, so DH said “I can’t let you play with the dirt because it could start blowing over people”, holding DS’s arm as he spoke to him.
At this moment the man in front of me who had been watching turned to his partner and said “just slap him”.

I felt absolutely seething and rage. I stood still and DS and DH went off to look at the sea but for the next 5 minutes I was silently raging. Would other parents have felt this way? I started making all sorts of judgements in my head about the couple who were there with their dog. They were 50’s, no wedding rings and I assumed child-free and therefore clueless! Obviously none of this might be true. But I was so furious with the man.

A few minutes later the couples dog started growling at another dog and pulling on its lead. I had to bite my tongue to not say “just slap him”.

When I told my DH afterwards he was furious - he is SUCH a peaceful calm person and never raises his voice but even he said “I want to knock the hat off his head”! (The man was wearing a baseball cap and this was the most violent thing I’ve ever heard DH say)!

Would you have commented, or kept quiet and would you have found it difficult to do so?

It’s astonishing how triggered you are. Most people it wouldn’t even have registered - a man you have never seen before, who you don’t know at all, said something you dislike and you are raging and have actually gone to the trouble of writing it all down to discuss with more strangers.

Why do you care what he said? Truth hurts? You wish your kid actually was better behaved or your DH’s wet parenting is embarrassing? I just don’t get why you gaf.

It’s absolutely wild what you think of people “in their 50s” given that you must be late 40s yourself. I’m in my 50s, almost 30 years married and I don’t think I’ve worn my ring at all for 20 of those. I bet I’ve worn it less than 100 times. DH has never worn his. We have 4 dc and spend tons of time without them as they have their own lives and not all live at home. I can’t imagine seeing grandparent aged people without kids and smugly thinking “childless and clueless”. Their kids were probably at work or out with friends or still in bed or on holiday or live 500 miles away. They will be grown adults, not tiny kids who play in the dirt while mummy queues for ice creams. Smacking wasn’t unheard of when we were kids but it wasn’t standard either - I didn’t actually know anyone who did it for real but “You’ll get a smacked bottom if you don’t behave” was common enough. Parents my age didn’t openly smack kids at all - obviously some kids are abused but most kids in their 20s - which is a normal age of child for 50+ adults, we’re generally not raised in households that smacked.

When my twins were about 11 months so 2012, and boy twin was grumbling as he'd been stuck in a super market shopping trolley for a while, but not as far as crying or screaming. An elderly lady (guessing 70s and a wheelchair user) said "in my day you get a slap for that" I spun around and replied "shall I slap you, and we'll see if you feel more or less like crying" she was speechless and her husband sped her off down the aisle. Not sure if he was embarrassed by her behaviour or thought I might go through with my threats.

I did think security might haul me out of sainsburys but nothing came of it.

But who condones slapping babies??? Doesn't matter what generation you are, no-one ever advised slapping infants!

My lovely next door neighbours are in their 50's, unmarried and have children...*gasps out of wedlock.

I'd better just nip round and let them know that when judgement day comes they're going to burn!

You did the ‘right’ thing keeping quiet but I completely agree at how angry you felt. I would not have been able to stay silent and would have replied something like ‘what the f**k did you just say you miserable old man’ but would have wanted to say something FAR FAR worse. My husband would have stuffed his hat where the sun doesn’t shine 😂

So you condone physical, violent consequences as long as it's you saying it not anyone else? Good to know.

You're also ageist, which is pretty ugly.

I think if it wasn't directed at you but at his partner, you have no idea of the context. For all you know, it could have been an in-joke about something someone told them to do twenty years ago.

You have the reaction you have - in your case, fury - and that is absolutely fine, but is yours to deal with. I hope it has subsided and you feel better now.

I wonder what it was about that particular comment and situation that meant your reaction was as it was?

Your child had probably already got dirt and dust over people in the queue. Very annoying.

If queuing is too much for your child, one of you could have taken them away from the situation before it even began. Parent properly and everyone will be happier.

you are letting them take up too much space in your head, they were unreasonable but ignore them let it blow over your head and be glad you never have to see them again

I'm not defending him but could it be a dark humour response? I'd let it go because it would spoil your day.

I’d try not to let it bother you OP. They grew up in a different era when it was normal and commonplace to slap your children for the slightest misdemeanour. I often hear comments from the older members of our family saying things like “I think it’s good parents don’t hit their children these days, … but there’s no doubt it was easier”. Sure, it might have yielded quicker results, but thankfully we know better now.

You would have been justified in saying something when their dog misbehaved, but personally I think it’s easier to just let it go, and be glad you’re bringing your child up better than they were brought up!

Given nearly all people who actually hit and abuse children clearly aren't child free, I thought the child free and clueless comment was quite ignorant too.

There are many people (teachers, social workers, psychologists etc.) without children of their own who are far more clued up about child behaviour etc than parents who only have their narrow experience of their own one or two kids.

“I want to knock the hat off his head!"

This is the most delightfully mild British insult.

No
You are creating drama. You are meeting a comment not directed at you or your child with a threat. That is drama, not boundaries

Um well if OP had her child at 43, she is currently 48 so these people are maybe 3 years older than her. What is this different era that you think people in their 50s grew up in that’s so different from the one that people in their 40s grew up in?

It was about, not directed at. Much better to walk away and live a life without the gothic horror staring into the sea.

I supposed I assumed they must be child free as no parent could possibly say “slap him” -

This makes no sense at all! How on earth do you think any child cruelty actually happens, if it's apparently impossible for parents to think about, let alone harming a child in their care? Who do you think child social services spend all their time investigating, masked vigilantes who break into houses, hit kids and run away? Maybe engage brain?

I do think it's quite ironic how triggered you were by someone saying something you considered to be so incredibly offensive, then doing the exact same.

For goodness sake, some people will never be happy. According to OP, they stopped him from playing in the dirt as soon as he started, then took him away when he did it a second time. That is literally the very definition of parenting. Never exposing your child to a queue, lest they inconvenience someone else for the merest second is not is not “good parenting”.

And made her own judgements about the couple with the dog!

It's not worth expending energy on people who make stupid comments.

😂

Did they definitely realise you could hear the comment, and were "with" your DH and DS? Honestly I think whether they were child free or not, it was an extremely rude thing to say if so. Maybe different if it was a jokey private comment made as an aside to each other about an annoying child, but amazingly rude and out of place as a direct comment to you.

I would have either

1. picked him up on it straight away or hopefully

2. when his dog started growling said “now would you slap youre dog like you suggested my DH did earlier to my son? You are lucky we intervened not all parents do”.

I did have sympathy with you until you assumed they were childless, having struggled to have all mine I seethe more over people’s natural assumption of all childless people being pious and mighty. More often from experience and knowing couples that are, they see things like this and wistfully think “what a nice problem to have”. Maybe their children were older and grown up. Who knows. I really aim to never assume anything about people.

You don’t need to have kids to tell when other people’s children are being little shits.

The ‘knock the hat off his head’ comment had me screaming.

It’s really not a big deal. Just move on.

I grew up in the 80’s / 90’s, it wasn’t common to get a slap for every minor misdemeanour but on occasion we would be threatened with a smacked bum - honestly my sister and I used to think that was the better option instead of having no pudding or not be allowed out to play as we never actually got a smack that I can remember. OBVIOUSLY I would never threaten smack my own kids but I don’t look back on it with any trauma!

People talk crap all the time. Unless they're actually addressing you, it's a good idea to acquire the ability to filter it out, if you're particularly sensitive. They might have been judging you, and now you are definitely judging them, based on your spurious assumptions. None of it is of any benefit to you.

I’d have asked if he slapped dogs too, or just children.