Should I open my house to the public to get tax relief to fix my roof?

[LadyCustardCreme]

This is a legal tax relief system, ist it? I can open up my house, cordon off a route, give guided tours and then let people wander around the garden and then sell them a cup of tea and a bit of cake? What else do I need apart from a bit of advertising and public liability insurance?

I could have a Spot The Boden Trail? Double points if the twins are wearing matching outfits.

The guide book is an excellent idea, as is the audio version which would just be my surly son following behind and reading it out in a sardonic fashion.

You can buy proper mini freestanding ones at my local garden centre! But the poo. Will no one think of the poo?

Sorry if I’ve missed it but has anyone suggested a sundial? So important that younger generations know how to use these.

Perfect. Now all you need to do is to source some 'heritage' sweet pea seed varieties and Bob's your uncle.

My uncle is called Dave. He’s the one with the golf clubs.

My other uncle, Merv, would be the perfect children’s entertainer.

I forgot the sundial. Made of random stones laid out on the ground so that the children learn to tell the time using their shadows. 👍

1970s is virtually museum worthy. Have you got the side burns and the psychedelic kipper ties to match?

And the loon pants which now seem to be fashionable again.

Do you have any dolls left over from when they were young? Dress them up and pose them behind a rope and make a ‘tableau’

There a a couple of Harry Potter fan toys left, it the house is too newly built to ever be considered part of Hogwarts/Diagon Alley.!

If not, steal mannequins from a department store, though them wearing Primark tartan onesies might wreck the stately home vibe...?

Buy a large bag of marshmallows, set fire to a few twigs in the garden and charge £10 each for a toasted marshmallow on a stick

Is there any buried rubble in the garden? Dig a square of lawn out and reveal it in all its “archaeological” glory, maybe have an information board with a bullshit history about the ritual significance of the unearthed remains.

Gather your neighbours hedge clippings and any other random twiggy shite from any nearby woods. Hold wreath making workshops at £40 a go with a complimentary cup of tea and a jam tart.

We have a shite rockery which we started to disassemble and then got bored and left the stones there. Will that do?

Any pile of rocks is probably a cairn or ruined monument of, erm, pagan origin? Call it a henge and get people to look for the other stones. Mutter something about ley lines until they walk away bemused.

I have to agree with this

Is anyone volunteering?

It’s more Italianate in style. Maybe if I put down some broken crockery in a nice pattern I can claim it’s a mosaic floor from a recently excavated Roman Villa?

Just make sure none of the crockery is writing side up, or you’ll have to make up some nonsense about the long-vanished IKEAni people, closely related to the Iceni, and famous for their brightly coloured ceramics.

Do u still get sun dials it is not something I have seen recently

Go easy on the peacocks. Peacock poo is truly the most evil smell in the world.

Wish I had thought of this when I had a new roof last winter .

has anyone mentioned a fish pond, that iis a must . You can buy one that fixes together in minutes :)

We went to a tearoom in a town about 10 miles from where we live. The tearoom was in the front room we didn’t go in any other part of the house though. We just spotted it by chance because they had a sign outside looking for a cafe for a cup of tea and cakes we went for a walk but had started raining on a Sunday afternoon. Not sure if it’s still open. I’ll look it up.

Your Ladyship,

Would you be looking for a bucolic gardener to help with the atmosphere?

I be able to nonsensically answer gardening questions with an unfathomable Wesscunree accent, grumble about how “…this were all fields when I were a boy!” and snarl affectionately at “..them little basserds wotbe messin up Her Ladyship’s grass”

I’s got me own leather waistcit’, straw hat, red and white spotted neckerchief, battered straw hat, well-worn but delightful to the touch, moleskin trousers.

Trudging around yourn estate with a trug and antique secateurs while takin’ advantage of the sun to bronze up me muscles would, I think, My Lady, be more useful to you than a sundial.

I be the proud holder of an NVQ L1 in Forelock Tugging and would be happy to swap the straw hat for a tweed cap if you’d prefer to see me wringing it in my strong, rough, hands.

All I be askin’ is tea and cake on the hour every hour but am open to negotiation with whatever else My Lady might suggest.

Yours most respectfully,

Mellors.