Should I open my house to the public to get tax relief to fix my roof?

[LadyCustardCreme]

This is a legal tax relief system, ist it? I can open up my house, cordon off a route, give guided tours and then let people wander around the garden and then sell them a cup of tea and a bit of cake? What else do I need apart from a bit of advertising and public liability insurance?

1589. Even better typo.

In the kitchen you need a few bits of plastic food on platters to help people imagine what goes on in a kitchen. Pewter might be tricky to find, but those foil ones from a pound shop would make a good substitute.

Garden shed? That’s now “The Stable Block”. Extra points if covered in green stuff, as it’s then very old. Pop in one of the kids old trikes and it’s an antique carriage.

If no shed, nip to B&Q, they’ll sort you out.

Do you have a haha? I won't be vigilant if the is no haha.

I’ve not quite managed to concentrate beyond ‘squashed fly shortbread’, which sounds delicious, but I hope you haven’t forgotten that you’ll need a plant sale area and perhaps some local jams?

Remember to rope off upstairs and allow access to your hallway only £18 admission.

Is your kitchen big enough to cram about 30 tables in? You only need about an inch between tables. Then you can serve cream teas for £250. You might need to invest in a pinny and force your dh to be your waiting staff.

Re peacocks - there’s a strange village I sometimes drive through with a sign saying “careful, peacocks crossing” - words to that effect anyway. I’ve never actually seen one but I’d be happy to go and find one for you - in return for a lifetime membership to your home.

Oh! This has reminded me that unless you have a folly, I fear your plans may come to naught :(.

I was assuming you were the Lady Creme of Cream Palace?? If that is wrong and you are only an upstart member of one of the junior branches of the Creme dynasty, I don't think you should open your paltry hovel.

Yo could hire out your living room as a wedding venue - KERCHINGGG! Just put in a few massive long tables and uncomfortable chairs. You could probably scavenge these from school.

Or even better, a marquee in the garden and some portaloos. That way the plebs don’t even have to come into the house.

Afternoon tea at £49 a head - £69 with a glass of cheap Prosecco.

A pets' graveyard adds a sentimental touch. Do you have any goldfish that are approaching the end of their lives?

Or - and bear with me here, as this might initially seem de trop - you could have a rug made from the body of your treasured dead dog.

This is what a duchess did with her spaniel at Raby Castle in Durham, and it was my very favourite part of the visit, until they removed it as some children were apparently 'getting upset' by it🙄

Good point. We have a downstairs loo which they could use. Alternatively, I have a couple of hydrangeas that could do with changing colour so that could be the outside “full nature experience” latrines.

Gosh, so may replies! I might not get the chance to answer all of them.

I would say all that's really needed on the peacock front is to have a device playing a recording of a peacock shrieking secreted in a bush somewhere. If you can get hold of a peacock feather (plastic is fine) you could leave it on the grass near the bush. See also: grouse, pheasants, swans.

I’ve been going through my mother’s family photos and I found a family portrait of us, professionally taken of course, from when I was 12. I had thought of sending it to a games manufacturer, you know the ones who make “What do you meme?” Or “Awkward Family Photos” but your idea is much better.

Was just going to say the same!🤣

I’ve worked out that you need to pull the transparently thin loo roll out horizontally to get any decent amount out. Pulling down vertically leaves you with a milimetre of the wretched stuff. Is this how companies keep their costs down?

What about having a game of Cluedo made to sell in the gift shop with the rooms of your house in?

I could put in a moat, actually, as one of the gutters backs up and too much water (now renamed The Waterfall) gushes down into one of the flower beds.

We have a resident tame pheasant which my other neighbour feeds and it knocks on her door asking for food. Wow, this is really taking shape!

Hello Husband. But the PP response to this made me LOL so you now have a new job as a room guide complete with lanyard.

Have you got a terrace with a balustrade and a view? I fear it may be a dealbreaker if you don’t.

I forgot about the barriers. And I will need local school children in orange hi-vis jackets directing the cars to be as close as possible so there is no room to open the cars doors to get out.

Peacock has been substituted for our pheasant.

SHHHHH!!!!!

Beach Bar Garden! I could install a Tiki Bar and serve cocktails for £23 each.

I have a shed. Will that do?

We don’t have goldfish. But do we actually need to use real animals? Surely we can just Putin a few headstones of some made up animals and name them after some highly dubious former and current politicians.

Just seen my typo but an imaginary Doberman called Putin was a much loved member of our family.

Stable block… I hadn’t thought of that. We have an integral garage but I was intending to put the tearoom in there. Will need a rethink.