Should I open my house to the public to get tax relief to fix my roof?

[LadyCustardCreme]

This is a legal tax relief system, ist it? I can open up my house, cordon off a route, give guided tours and then let people wander around the garden and then sell them a cup of tea and a bit of cake? What else do I need apart from a bit of advertising and public liability insurance?

That's okay, you'll need obstacles for your crazy golf course.

Sepia photos of your ancestors will make a fascinating display, alongside an artfully decorative family tree. Nobody will ask how long your home has been the family seat (probably).

Could you enlist the olds to be ‘volunteers’? One in each area of the house e.g one in the hallway, one in the living room, one in the bathroom. They’ll need a lanyard of course.

I too am an accountant. He and I could bore one another rigid whilst you fleece the suckers visitors.

DD has just finally at last cleared out her wardrobe and put some clothes in bags for the charity shop. We could use those as they’re circa 2017 and thus vintage.

Don’t forget to charge £25 for parking.

I take your point but I don’t want to be too difficult. Have you seen the price of roof repairs recently? 🙀

You need to find some of the most irritable and unhelpful people aged over 80 that you can (ex army or teacher ideally) and install them in each of your rooms to act as tour guides/security staff. Ensure they know nothing about your property but can shout 'stop touching that this instant' in posh, booming voice.

Or, they park in the village hall car park then you charge them £50 to drive them to and from your ‘stately’ home. Then they can’t turn round and go back early and will spend more on your gift shop.

Depends on the size of your house. Stately home.... definitely yes. Council house/terrace..... definitely no 😁

Well, now I need a name for the house.

You could hire someone dressed as Henry VIII to take photos with people. Every time he walks by, you all have to bow. People love that!

Freeze a metal catering tray, get a few wallpaper scrapers, put out some ingredients and charge £10 for them to make their own ice cream.

It does require a little effort but brings at least a 90% profit.

Get a glass topped desk table thing and put forrin coins and stamps in it with some unintelligible postcards describing what they are

That’s a shame. I was getting excited for a moment.

3 day window between 12 and 4 but closed for lunch 1 to 2. No queuing.

Obstacle course then?.....

My house was built in 1985 - do you think anyone will notice?

Put photos of you and your family up around the house with various members of the royal family photoshopped into them to show the upper class circles you mix in.

Can you make sure that you have quite a few families who are benignly neglecting their children, while wearing Boden, to walk around? I think it will give it that authentic edge.

Also, it would be really good if you have an easy way to verify that people have memberships, but to treat them like shit anyway if they’ve forgotten their membership card. Then, they can feel shamed for spending £100 pounds for the membership while being told off while also buying an expensive scone with a teeny pot of jam.

There might not be enough room for all my paying guests. I don’t actually have a very big house.

You could be the special event which people also have to pay extra to attend. Would you be willing to do this twice a year for a glass of wine and a biscuit?

Now I love this. I once met Nolongerprince Andrew. That would be suitable, don’t you think?

My next door neighbour!

Possibly - providing you balance it with photos of actual Monarchs (past, present and European)

Does there happen to be a local amdram society who could be persuaded to put on an abridged Shakespeare play in your garden of a summer evening?