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Original poster

Ghosted by friends of 20 years.

162 replies

batfink2605 · 29/03/2026 15:04

I realise that I may sound like I am in high school. I promise I am not, and just want someone to either to tell me to get a grip or offer advice. I apologise in advance for length but don't want to drip feed.

Been with my husband 18 years. When I met him, he had a bunch of male friends who he saw weekly. Some of the friendships naturally fizzled over the years. Maintained contact with Tom (so now been friends for 24 years). Tom is married to Laura and they have two children. Their youngest is same age as our youngest.
Tom is godfather to our eldest.

Tom and Laura moved 20 minutes away by car a couple of years ago but we still met every couple of months as a minimum (met up with all kids, walks etc). Tom has always been awful with communication so majority of contact has been via Laura.
However, since December 2024 it has shifted massively and we are at a loss.

  • Husband has sent Tom 13 messages since Dec 24. Casual messages in relation to meeting up, say happy birthday etc. Not one response.
  • only saw them 3 times in 2025. Fine when we did meet but hard to get Laura to commit.
  • no acknowledgement of our youngest daughter's birthday in September
  • saw them at end of November 25. All fine. Said we would need to arrange to meet up for Christmas presents
  • cancelled on the weekend we agreed to meet up for Christmas. Didn't respond when we asked for a new date
  • Laura has ignored all messages since January, including meeting up Feb half term
  • husband also messaged Laura ( he is a teacher and wanted to see if wanted to meet over half term). No response.
  • nothing for my birthday or husband's birthday
  • sent Laura a message for her birthday but no response.

I know that truthfully they have ghosted us but it hurts. Friends for decades and all kids really friendly. My youngest even when to nursery where Laura worked.

Husband does not want to message. He says he has pride and what would we get anyway. He is absolutely gutted as he has no idea what had happened. There have been no arguments at all so it is bizarre.
I want to message to ask but also need to respect Husband. If there had been an incident when we last met I would get it, but it was friendly as normal.

Do I accept the end of a friendship or send a message?

OP posts:
HermioneGrangersHair · 29/03/2026 15:12

I wonder if they are having issues in their relationship? Have or will be splitting up?

May be clutching at straws , I don’t know other than that.

If you really want to know what’s going on, perhaps you could call and ask them to meet up rather than text, I think the distance and lack of response is hurtful, so maybe if you ask them outright you will at least know the score.

MauveFatball · 29/03/2026 15:12

My first thought was they’re maybe having relationship problems and have split up or in the process of, and keeping it private at the moment.

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 29/03/2026 15:14

I would bet the problem is Laura and I would be wracking my brains to try and work out what could have caused her upset. Any chance they have financial problems and you and your husband are very fortunate in that regard?

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Relationship problems
winter8090 · 29/03/2026 15:15

It does sound truly bizarre. My initial reaction is there is something going on in their life.
i wonder if they have things going on that your not aware of.
Could you call Laura?
Friendship is a two way thing and it cannot work with one party making all the effort.

if you don’t feel calling is the right thing I’d maybe just let it fade now and see if they get back in touch.

Twiglets1 · 29/03/2026 15:16

You've done enough reaching out to them.

No one knows what is going on in their heads or lives, but I would leave it now and wait to see if they eventually reach out to you.

roses2 · 29/03/2026 15:16

I was ghosted for about a year by someone and it was because they were going through a divorce. Now we see them regularly but separately, DH sees the man and I meet the woman.

If there was no falling out and everything seems normal last time you saw them likely it’s because they are going through something, it is unlikely to be you.

Bufftailed · 29/03/2026 15:19

I think you should ask.

Original poster
batfink2605 · 29/03/2026 15:24

Thank you for not calling me silly.
Definitely no financial issues at all (they have more money than us!)
No indication of marital issues at all...they have been together as long as us and seem very happy. Neither really post on social media so no way of seeing any difference in that regard.

OP posts:
CallingOnTheMegaphone · 29/03/2026 15:24

I agree with everyone else, they're getting divorced. You can hardly say there's no indication of marital issues if you've barely seen them for two years!

Creepybookworm · 29/03/2026 15:35

This happened to me with a female friend who I had known since university. We are now in 40s. She just became more distant and then ghosted me. No arguments or incidents I can think of. Although she did get really annoying on social media and so I stopped responding or reacting to anything she posted and stopped using Facebook myself some years ago which may have annoyed her. It really hurt at the time but now I am over it. Friends have come and gone in my life and she was a great friend for a while but we grew apart. Also, she is a coward for not being honest.

Original poster
batfink2605 · 29/03/2026 15:36

No marital issues were apparent at all when we last saw them in November. We were chatting about holidays they were booking and them looking at new houses to be nearer catchment for high school. All behaviours and interactions seemed exactly the same as always between them.

We don't have mutual friends (this is a longstanding relationship since husband and Tom met in their 20s) so cannot ask anyone if anything has happened. Tom has never really engaged with friendships but Laura had always been responsive before. Just makes me paranoid that we have upset them but racked my brain to think and it was all normal in November

OP posts:
harriethoyle · 29/03/2026 15:39

I’ve just experienced exactly this @batfink2605 - great weekend last time they stayed, loose plans made to holiday together this year, restaurants discussed for a joint visit and then… nothing. No response to any messages from either of us on any medium. Still posting on SM occasionally so not dead. But just totally silent. It’s so disconcerting! We’ve wracked our brains as to anything that happened on that last weekend and both come up blank. It’s so bizarre and hurtful. Like your DH we’ve just decided it is what it is and stopped engaging but I absolutely know how you feel.

CanaryLibra · 29/03/2026 15:51

Tom has always been awful with communication so majority of contact has been via Laura.

Tom has never really engaged with friendships but Laura has always been responsive before

My guess is that Tom is a lazy bastard all round, not just with his friendships. Laura has given up some of the wifework, and managing Toms friendships for him is one of the things she’s stopped doing.

YerMotherWasAHamster · 29/03/2026 15:56

There's really no point sending a message.
I'd delete their numbers and move on.

Original poster
batfink2605 · 29/03/2026 15:56

CanaryLibra · 29/03/2026 15:51

Tom has always been awful with communication so majority of contact has been via Laura.

Tom has never really engaged with friendships but Laura has always been responsive before

My guess is that Tom is a lazy bastard all round, not just with his friendships. Laura has given up some of the wifework, and managing Toms friendships for him is one of the things she’s stopped doing.

Edited

Tom seemed good in every other sense and very hands on as a dad with the kids.
I was friends with Laura as well though. It wasn't just the men. We spent time together, both the two of us and with the kids. So Laura has decided to ghost me, not just ignore my husband's friendship with Tom.
Although the men were the first to be friends, all four of us were friends (or so we thought!!)

OP posts:
Original poster
batfink2605 · 29/03/2026 15:58

YerMotherWasAHamster · 29/03/2026 15:56

There's really no point sending a message.
I'd delete their numbers and move on.

I know but still holding out hope in a silly way that they will reach out. I don't want to lose the friendship and so it hurts. I just need to follow husband's lead and not beg for friendship.

OP posts:
SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 29/03/2026 16:02

This is really sad... and their behaviour is shitty
I dont think this is about you and Laura though...
13 messages with zero response!!!!
It's a sign

TheHillIsMine · 29/03/2026 16:06

batfink2605 · 29/03/2026 15:36

No marital issues were apparent at all when we last saw them in November. We were chatting about holidays they were booking and them looking at new houses to be nearer catchment for high school. All behaviours and interactions seemed exactly the same as always between them.

We don't have mutual friends (this is a longstanding relationship since husband and Tom met in their 20s) so cannot ask anyone if anything has happened. Tom has never really engaged with friendships but Laura had always been responsive before. Just makes me paranoid that we have upset them but racked my brain to think and it was all normal in November

It's probably nothing to do with you so stop making it all about you.

I would send a card. Say you miss her and hope all is well. You'll be there if she ever wants to get in contact.

yeesh · 29/03/2026 16:07

I think you need to take the hint and leave them to it. You have reached out many times & they are clearly not interested.

Sparkletastic · 29/03/2026 16:08

I think you’ve both overdone it somewhat with the messages. Friendships don’t always last forever and I think you and DH need to read the signs.

SkyLark79 · 29/03/2026 16:11

You’re not being silly. I would be upset too, as everyone else says, most likely explanation is they’re going through a divorce. Not sure quite why that means withdrawing contact; having been through a divorce myself I didn’t ghost anyone. However I did tend to take the view that if the person was originally a friend of my ex, it would naturally revert back to that. These things hurt, no matter your age hope you find some answers.

YerMotherWasAHamster · 29/03/2026 16:20

batfink2605 · 29/03/2026 15:58

I know but still holding out hope in a silly way that they will reach out. I don't want to lose the friendship and so it hurts. I just need to follow husband's lead and not beg for friendship.

Show quote history

It sounds like its already lost.
It's hurtful, of course it is but it will be ok.

Dartmoorcheffy · 29/03/2026 16:24

Have you tried calling them and actually speaking.

workshy46 · 29/03/2026 16:31

Don’t reach out anymore , it will be humiliating when they again ignore you again. Enough is enough , they know where you are. It’s appalling behaviour on their part after such a long standing friendship , aside from something catastrophic happening to them. Sudden terminal illness diagnosis for one.

begonefoulclutter · 29/03/2026 16:32

Could one of them fancy one of you, and the other one has found out about it? That could explain the sudden cutting of all contact.