Ghosted by friends of 20 years.

[batfink2605]

I realise that I may sound like I am in high school. I promise I am not, and just want someone to either to tell me to get a grip or offer advice. I apologise in advance for length but don't want to drip feed.

Been with my husband 18 years. When I met him, he had a bunch of male friends who he saw weekly. Some of the friendships naturally fizzled over the years. Maintained contact with Tom (so now been friends for 24 years). Tom is married to Laura and they have two children. Their youngest is same age as our youngest.
Tom is godfather to our eldest.

Tom and Laura moved 20 minutes away by car a couple of years ago but we still met every couple of months as a minimum (met up with all kids, walks etc). Tom has always been awful with communication so majority of contact has been via Laura.
However, since December 2024 it has shifted massively and we are at a loss.

• Husband has sent Tom 13 messages since Dec 24. Casual messages in relation to meeting up, say happy birthday etc. Not one response.
• only saw them 3 times in 2025. Fine when we did meet but hard to get Laura to commit.
• no acknowledgement of our youngest daughter's birthday in September
• saw them at end of November 25. All fine. Said we would need to arrange to meet up for Christmas presents
• cancelled on the weekend we agreed to meet up for Christmas. Didn't respond when we asked for a new date
• Laura has ignored all messages since January, including meeting up Feb half term
• husband also messaged Laura ( he is a teacher and wanted to see if wanted to meet over half term). No response.
• nothing for my birthday or husband's birthday
• sent Laura a message for her birthday but no response.

I know that truthfully they have ghosted us but it hurts. Friends for decades and all kids really friendly. My youngest even when to nursery where Laura worked.

Husband does not want to message. He says he has pride and what would we get anyway. He is absolutely gutted as he has no idea what had happened. There have been no arguments at all so it is bizarre.
I want to message to ask but also need to respect Husband. If there had been an incident when we last met I would get it, but it was friendly as normal.

Do I accept the end of a friendship or send a message?

Just in my husband's defence - the 13 messages were over 14 months and were brief messages.

Terrifying

i'd stop asking them to meet up and send an honest message saying 'what's happening. - have I done something to upset you? are you ok?' type of thing.. you wont' get anwywhere by just asking to meet up as clearly something is going on.
Ask. if they don't reply, then you know they don't want to talk. But at the moment, i'd be worried and want to know if they are ok, if it was someone i cared about.
Why are british people generally so unable to just ask directly - if you want to know, and are concerned for them ,and friendship, you need to at least try and ask them.

Yeah it sounds like they've checked out of the friendship @batfink2605 and I agree with your DH, that you shouldn't chase them.

This is why DH and I never EVER had a friend be a Godparent to any of our children. Too many friendships fizzle out/die off, and too many people fall out too easily.

I don't think I know anyone who had a friend as Godparent to their child(ren) who is still in touch with them. I'm sure there are a few, I just don't know any.

Sorry you're going through this, it's not nice when people give you a wide berth, and then eventually ghost you.

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We don't have mutual friends (this is a longstanding relationship since husband and Tom met in their 20s) so cannot ask anyone if anything has happened. Tom has never really engaged with friendships but Laura had always been responsive before.

Laura has grown up/older or got promoted/menopause /some other kind of busy/ill...and has got pissed off with running Tom's social life for him. So she's stopped.

Tom's not actually that bothered about [having friends/your DH]*, happy with just a partner/other closer friends/couple friends (and DC) hence his complete lack of effort [and lack of friends maybe].

*Delete as applicable

That's my guess.

Too many friendships fizzle out/die off, and too many people fall out too easily.

none of my adult friendships have fizzled out
and i can’t recall the last time I fell out with someone @Zov

My guesses would be either they are having relationship issues, they have heard something about one of you that they don't approve of or thy just want out of the friendship for some reason.

Do you have a bigger house? Newer cars? More holidays etc? Could be as simple as petty jealousy.

I'm not clear if you've messaged Laura just once or many times or If you've left it up to DH to message Tom

Its bothering you so I would send her a card as suggested above. but I'd add that you will respect her wishes if she doesn't .

There could be all kinds of reasons and not just because they are fed up with you.
... maybe one of them is depressed, a terminally ill parent, a serious illness, an affair, job loss, marriage problems -people going through a difficult time sometimes don't feel like socialising and want to keep themselves to themselves.

• **Laura has ignored all messages since January, including meeting up Feb half term

Definitely more than once
plus the husband has messaged Laura
and of course the 13 (13!!) messages to Tom

I mean, this is almost harassment!

Why are british people generally so unable to just ask directly - if you want to know, and are concerned for them ,and friendship, you need to at least try and ask them

Because if people want to say something they will. So if you have to ask, you're unlikely to get an honest answer. Which means there's no point in asking.

People mostly don't say anything because nobody likes to be told their faults, where they're lacking in the other person's opinion etc, so coming out with that type of thing doesn't clear the air it just causes bad feeling, resentment and an argument. Then it's awkward when the two parties next bump into each other, because you both KNOW you dislike each other now it's out in the open. So then what? Cross the street to avoid them? Walk past blanking them and giving them side-eye?

It's generally better NOT to try to talk it over, just slow fade if you're not bothered about someone, regardless of the reason and eventually ghost if they don't take the hint. That way when the two parties do bump into each other somewhere they can both be smiles-and-happiness and pretend they're still friends and it's less awkward all round.

Personally I'd not have sent 13 messages with no response. They'd have got 3, then I'd have never contacted again unless they made the first move. If they'd wanted to meet up they'd have had to be the one to contact me. OP didn't take the hint so they've had to ghost in a more obvious way, else this situation of occasional meetups whilst doing their best to ignore OP/OP's DH, would have gone on forever.

They no longer wanted to be friends, didn't buy presents just made placatory noises about doing so when the subject was raised by OP. They didn't want to have an awkward present-exchange meetup where they'd have to confess they didn't buy any and be quizzed on why, so cancelled and ghosted. Because OP and her DH basically left them no choice.

OPs DH is right, keep some pride and dignity, there's no point in being told "look, we just don't really want to hang out with you any more, ok?". It's bad enough they didn't take the hint a year ago. No good will come of asking. They'll just look like needy fools who can't let it go.

I would say Laura is done being Tom's secretary. Maybe because of other shit she's had to put up with from him has built up and now she's annoyed and dropping the rope, could end with them splitting...or just resentment settling in.
Tom sounds like he wasn't a particularly great friend if his wife needs to facilitate his friendships or they fizzle to nothing. He's probably equally shit in some other aspects of their marriage.

Because they have already sent messages.

Walk away now, op. Maintain your dignity

Yes but Laura has ignored messages from the op asking if just she wants to get together with the op.

So clearly both Tom and Laura are on the same page as no longer having any kind of relationship with the op and her husband

That's it. Many people are quite OK in a friendship for many years, and then just outgrow it. Some people just quietly drift away, some people just cut people off, as it's easier than having to explain why they CBA any longer.

Maybe there is more to it. As I said, friends fall out - it's part of life. Sometimes you don't know why. Sometimes you do. Maybe the OP's friends are jealous of her and her DH. Or maybe they are fed up of them because they're braggy, annoying, or boring.. Or something else......

Not saying they are braggy, annoying, or boring, I'm just giving an example....... There has to be some reason these friends have jumped ship.

@batfink2605 You have already made multiple attempts to connect with these people, just stop now. As has been said, maintain your dignity. Don't beg!

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I agree. Have been ghosted in the past too. So I get it. But best to move on OP. Let it go.

It’s really poor behaviour.

The saddest thing is that it was hardly an intense connection to drop in the first place.

If I had to guess, I’d say Tom said something inappropriate about you and this has upset Laura. But even then it’s hardly your fault, is it?

I hope you get an answer one day.

It could be absolutely anything really.

Perhaps relationship issues, jealousy (over something in your lives or your relationship), illness/health scare, looking after elderly parents, maybe the kids aren’t as friendly as they initially were, maybe kids growing up differently maybe very much more or much less academic or sporty than your kids, maybe they have new friends and enough friends and or commitments, maybe they feel you have all changed and outgrown the friendship.

It’s sad but you have to accept this unless they reach out. Some friendships last for a season or a reason very few last a life time.

I really don't think it's acceptable to suddenly treat such long-standing friends like this, to just drop them and ignore messages. If they didn't like you they could have phased you out of their lives when they moved further away. Sometimes people grow apart, it's true, but I expect there is something else going on. And just because people seem "like normal" in public it doesn't mean there isn't anything else going on behind the scenes. Personally I would want to know what has happened but I realise it is scary and humiliating to keep getting radio silence. Perhaps you could write Laura a letter and leave it at that.

I just want to offer clarity over the 13 messages.

Tom has always been rubbish with messages, to the extent his own mother will message Laura rather than Tom. It has always been seen as one of those things and we did still see them during the period of these messages (it's not like we sent 13 messages with nothing back fron laura).
We have also always given presents and celebrated birthdays. Again, this has been normal for 20+ years of the friendships and they have invited us to parties etc.

As I said earlier, we are not going to send anything else. They know where we are and we have no plans to move house/change phone numbers. I don't want to say why I think they are OK financially as that is not fair on them and very outing. As people have rightly said, there may be things we don't know so I am not going to start guessing or slate them.

The clarity is your husband sent someone 13 messages without getting a response. The end.

That is insane.

He also messaged his wife.
you also messaged the wife multiple times.

You two must have skin as thick as rhinos

serious health issue?

What did your DH messages actually say? Did he take the time to ask if they’re ok or just send random messages with small talk?

If they’ve had some big life issues to deal with, responding to someone’s WhatsApp chit chat isn’t always a priority.

I'd say step back and give them time and space. Some people need it in certain situations. Some don't.

Been there, done that.

It hurts. Especially the not knowing.
But the OH is right.
The only other thing is if you're in the area and happen to bump in to her. Face to face joy at seeing her, a hug...and more may make her open up.

Sadly, I think you and your husband are going to have to accept, that this couple no longer wish to be friends with you. Yes, it's entirely possible there's something going on in their life, that's taking up all their time and energy. Equally, there may not be, and for whatever reason have decided to end the friendship.

It's hurtful and I can understand why you are both upset. Don't contact either of them again. You've both tried to message and call multiple times, without any response. The silence is really all you need to know. The ball is now in their court, and out of your hands.

Very rude and ahitty behaviour on their part OP. I'm sorry you've gone through this as you didn't deserve it.
The fault is with them.