Ghosted by friends of 20 years.

[batfink2605]

I realise that I may sound like I am in high school. I promise I am not, and just want someone to either to tell me to get a grip or offer advice. I apologise in advance for length but don't want to drip feed.

Been with my husband 18 years. When I met him, he had a bunch of male friends who he saw weekly. Some of the friendships naturally fizzled over the years. Maintained contact with Tom (so now been friends for 24 years). Tom is married to Laura and they have two children. Their youngest is same age as our youngest.
Tom is godfather to our eldest.

Tom and Laura moved 20 minutes away by car a couple of years ago but we still met every couple of months as a minimum (met up with all kids, walks etc). Tom has always been awful with communication so majority of contact has been via Laura.
However, since December 2024 it has shifted massively and we are at a loss.

• Husband has sent Tom 13 messages since Dec 24. Casual messages in relation to meeting up, say happy birthday etc. Not one response.
• only saw them 3 times in 2025. Fine when we did meet but hard to get Laura to commit.
• no acknowledgement of our youngest daughter's birthday in September
• saw them at end of November 25. All fine. Said we would need to arrange to meet up for Christmas presents
• cancelled on the weekend we agreed to meet up for Christmas. Didn't respond when we asked for a new date
• Laura has ignored all messages since January, including meeting up Feb half term
• husband also messaged Laura ( he is a teacher and wanted to see if wanted to meet over half term). No response.
• nothing for my birthday or husband's birthday
• sent Laura a message for her birthday but no response.

I know that truthfully they have ghosted us but it hurts. Friends for decades and all kids really friendly. My youngest even when to nursery where Laura worked.

Husband does not want to message. He says he has pride and what would we get anyway. He is absolutely gutted as he has no idea what had happened. There have been no arguments at all so it is bizarre.
I want to message to ask but also need to respect Husband. If there had been an incident when we last met I would get it, but it was friendly as normal.

Do I accept the end of a friendship or send a message?

It’s sad but you need to move on. 13 unanswered messages is beyond rude on their part but they probably thought you’d get the message after the first couple of ignored messages.

Agree
Either they are divorcing or one of them has been diagnosed with a serious illness that they want to keep private
Mirror their behaviour and stop texting
Honestly 13 times and no response is ridiculous and irritating if they have stuff going on
I have a strict rule one text, one follow up
There is never a third

A similar thing happened to me. Good friends for over 20 years, suddenly I'm ignored. I don't know if I have said something offensive, if she encountered some issues in her life or what. I just feel so sad, we were best friends for so long and now nothing. I wish she had said something.
I know that's no help to you, but I think you just need to move on.

Who was messaging Laura? You or your husband?
Maybe Tom thought something was going on with Laura and your husband.

Or it could be something else such as them splitting up, or ill-health or work worries or something like that.

I think it could be that Tom & your dh were the ones who were friends, & Laura was just ‘along for the ride’ - she liked you well enough, happy to hang out, but saw you as ‘Tom’s mate’s wife’.

Now for whatever reason, she’s busy/something stressful is going on/she’s pissed off with Tom leaving it all to her, so she’s quietly dropped the rope - & might be surprised to hear you’re upset because she vaguely assumes that’s how you see things too, ie she’s ’dh’s mate Tom’s wife’.

& meanwhile Tom’s just being his usual useless self?

Also, have the kids reached the age where they’re busy with their own friends, so whilst joint family stuff was lovely when they were little, now they’ve already got a packed schedule.

I think I’d drop it. If there IS something weird going on, one of them might contact one of you when the dust settles?

It’s probably not about you.

No response to 13 messages? Bin

I would also say either imminent divorce or acute illness in the family. You've done everything you can, and you've shown you are available. The ball is in their court and I wouldn't contact again.

It's up to them to sort out their lives or let you know what's going on. If they don't do that, then you might have to let it go. It's horrible and it hurts, but what else can you do?

Ghosting is such shitty behaviour. Use words like adults!

I think you've done enough now and just leave it... you can't make then respond.

I had this a bit with a friend. I just left it and we are still friends but I have more realistic expectations. Partially some of her own issues making her unreliable and partially things affecting her more than I thought.

This so hard but you will need to move on. If they get in contact, unless it's something really understandable, you'll have moved on. I've just had very similar with a long standing friend. I think I sent 8 messages across 2 platforms before I got the hint. Then you feel embarrassed . They did eventually get back in touch and honestly I couldn't be arsed. Good friends don't do this to people.

Try not to take it too hard. It's happened to me with a friend who lives a distance away. We are godparents to each other's children but communication became more one sided and then fizzled out. I think she just decided the distance was too much effort and I have also strongly suspected she had depression but never discussed it with me. We go back years and I am sad about it. Like you, nothing happened.

Other friends became less available as our children got older. Socialising is easier in some ways with small children but as soon as they get older and have their own opinions on how they spend their time it gets harder. We've become close with parents of our eldests circle of friends. It has come out of years of cold football matches and dull kids parties. It could feel like friendships of convenience but we get on and they are on our doorstep.

I just try to see it as different seasons of frienships. But I would just leave this friendship and stop pursuing it. It will make you feel worse.

Affair, divorce, illness, job loss, poor MH — could be anything, but unlikely to be anything to do with you. In your shoes I’d probably send Laura a card and say you’re always there for her if she wants to get back in touch and leave it there.

I would leave it tbh. You’ve probably missed one throwaway comment made last time you met which you wouldn’t have thought anything of. Other than that I have no idea tho like PP have said anything could have happened between them between now and when you last met. Just put it down to experience however hard it is (you can do no more) and get on with your lives. If they think anything of you they will be in touch

Bin them

Thank you for the comments and views. I am going to leave it and see if they ever come back.
Just in my husband's defence - the 13 messages were over 14 months and were brief messages. As mentioned earlier, Tom has always had form for lack of response so the first messages were to wish happy birthday etc. He then messaged to check Tom was OK.
Reading back I know that more messages would be crazy and we need to get the hint. I just think it's rude to dump a friendship of over 2 decades without the decency of saying anything.
Guess that is part of friendships but the sudden change is hard.

13 times since December-ish? You're averaging roughly 1 message a week, considering you've not had a response to the earlier one's that's a lot of pestering!

Are you coming across too much? You say you "only" saw them three times in 2025 implying it would usually be more.

I think either they're getting divorced or just find you/the friendship overbearing. Vanishly few friends are aware of an impending divorce, most couples keep it quiet until it happens, or it'll come out the blue after affairs etc.

Have you tried contacting them with anything to do with Tom's role as godfather to your eldest (meeting up with them, updating him on things they've done etc)?
If an adult wants to ghost a friend, it's sad but I suppose it's something you have to let go, but a godparent potentially has responsibilities, so I'd be a bit concerned about that aspect of things.

I don’t know why your husband didn’t just phone Tom. It’s clear for whatever reason that they don’t want to keep in touch. Take the hint and move on.

1 message a week, considering you've not had a response to the earlier one's that's a lot of pestering!
A message a week really isn't 'pestering' especially when they'd previously met every couple of months as a minimum.

December 2024 so a message a month, if that

I can understand this feels hurtful as its so unexplained.
There could be many potential reasons to do with them or you .
You could message a final time and ask if alls well with them as you haven't heard from them in a while, if you get no response to that you will know for sure you have been ghosted. Or you could just leave it and "let them".....
I'd let them .....

Cancelling just before you were supposed to meet to give Christmas presents, and not acknowledging your daughter's birthday sounds as though maybe they don't want to do presents any more, but felt unable to be open about it.

I often find that couples who distance themselves are having marriage problems. Not receiving a Christmas card I have realised is tantamount to a divorce announcement!

However sometimes people just drift apart, or one person/couple wants to do the drifting. I know MN demands people bluntly explain why they want to end a friendship, but in the real world 99% of people just gradually stop responding to txts etc, and kick meet-ups into the long grass until the other party finally takes the hint.

I know OP wants an answer, but often there isn’t a concrete one. The reason may simply be can’t be bothered to maintain the friendship/live too far away/feel not so much in common any more etc etc.

No, don’t bother contacting them again, it will be forced and awkward if they do respond. It is very hurtful though, when this kind of thing happens. If there’s any upside to it I guess you could say it makes you more compassionate and aware of how cruel it is to do this to someone. But I’m sure you already were aware, but just trying to re frame it. They didn’t ultimately share your values, of treating people with kindness and honesty, and again I guess an upside is that you and your husband are on the same page with that one.

Or they’ve joined a cult. Not actually that unlikely.

They’ve probably split up.