Ghosted by friends of 20 years.

[batfink2605]

I realise that I may sound like I am in high school. I promise I am not, and just want someone to either to tell me to get a grip or offer advice. I apologise in advance for length but don't want to drip feed.

Been with my husband 18 years. When I met him, he had a bunch of male friends who he saw weekly. Some of the friendships naturally fizzled over the years. Maintained contact with Tom (so now been friends for 24 years). Tom is married to Laura and they have two children. Their youngest is same age as our youngest.
Tom is godfather to our eldest.

Tom and Laura moved 20 minutes away by car a couple of years ago but we still met every couple of months as a minimum (met up with all kids, walks etc). Tom has always been awful with communication so majority of contact has been via Laura.
However, since December 2024 it has shifted massively and we are at a loss.

• Husband has sent Tom 13 messages since Dec 24. Casual messages in relation to meeting up, say happy birthday etc. Not one response.
• only saw them 3 times in 2025. Fine when we did meet but hard to get Laura to commit.
• no acknowledgement of our youngest daughter's birthday in September
• saw them at end of November 25. All fine. Said we would need to arrange to meet up for Christmas presents
• cancelled on the weekend we agreed to meet up for Christmas. Didn't respond when we asked for a new date
• Laura has ignored all messages since January, including meeting up Feb half term
• husband also messaged Laura ( he is a teacher and wanted to see if wanted to meet over half term). No response.
• nothing for my birthday or husband's birthday
• sent Laura a message for her birthday but no response.

I know that truthfully they have ghosted us but it hurts. Friends for decades and all kids really friendly. My youngest even when to nursery where Laura worked.

Husband does not want to message. He says he has pride and what would we get anyway. He is absolutely gutted as he has no idea what had happened. There have been no arguments at all so it is bizarre.
I want to message to ask but also need to respect Husband. If there had been an incident when we last met I would get it, but it was friendly as normal.

Do I accept the end of a friendship or send a message?

Friends ghosting you is hard. A friend of mine I had known for 10 years, ghosted me back in 2012 just weeks after a major medical incident where I could have died. I tried contacting him to be ignored, in the end I had to tell myself if he wasn’t going to talk to me about it, nothing I could do and left it in the past.

Hurtful op just leave it now. I def dont chase anymore give it a few gos thats it. Husb had good work friend were to text re meetup. Nothing. Feel interest isnt there. Hurtful isnt it. Know them years

I hope they don’t see this thread !

I changed their names and purposefully haven't shared children's ages.
I doubt they are on here but actually if someone is behaving in this way and they think it is about them, they may stop to consider how they treat people...

Is it political? A lot is these days.

Could you telephone Laura and say you're feeling upset about the no contact? Otherwise it's just assumptions and guesswork.

It's since December 2024. Over 14 months. The OP made that clear.

They might have split up or about to split up and just too embarrassed or ashamed to admit they are divorced now. Or they had bad medical news, one in hospital, needs 23/7 care, in a wheelchair, they don’t know how to tell you. One is arrested for crime and doing time and too ashamed to admit this. One lost their job and don’t want questions about their much poorer life and why they can’t afford even to meet up for a 50p Gregg’s coffee.

lots of people just don’t want to lose face when they have appeared happy and successful for years.

Yes, I realised that once she'd said it. Just proves my point further!

I’m so sorry, it’s really hard when this happens. I had a “good” friend do something similar and I wracked my brains to figure out what on earth I could have done as I really valued our friendship. It took a while but I realised that over the years I knew her, she had told me about several platonic relationships where she’d taken exception to something I couldn’t quite understand, and basically cancelled the friendship. I did absolutely nothing except be a good friend to this person. What I’m trying to say is it’s them, not you and if there is the slightest issue in their relationship, one of the first signs will be that they don’t want to spend as much time with people who might remind them how crappy their lives are right now.

Did kids fall out. Its sad op isnt it the not knowing. We left it to friends ours to give us dates. Nothing. I just cant be assed now

People can put on a front you know OP .
Just cause you feel everything was normal & fine when you last met doesn’t mean it is. !
Sounds to me like there’s something going on in their lives, & until they get in contact there’s nothing you can do .
I wouldn’t reach out to them again .

Thank you for your comments and validations. I do also appreciate the thoughts around whether we messaged too much as it does allow me to reflect on how to approach these type of situations in the future.

I don't want to bash them as they have been friends for two decades and there may be something we are just not aware of. Alternatively they may have decided we aren't what they want as friends. In either circumstance we can't force a friendship and I need to let this go. It is sad and I feel for other posters who have experienced the same.

I wonder whether now that they've settled into their new home, they've befriended another couple, possibly new neighbours, and that friendship has usurped the one that you had with them. This happened to us with friends we'd had for years. The man of the couple retired from work, and took up a new hobby, his wife initially laughed at it, as it's an 'old man's' hobby, and said you'd never catch her doing it. However, he persuaded to go along one day, and she found that she was good at it too, so kept going. The met another couple who also did this hobby, and suddenly there was no time or interest in us, in spite of us having been friends since their kids were young, having attended the same kids weddings, and joined in with the excitement when our friends became grandparents. It hurts, but they say that everyone comes into our lives for a reason, some relationships last for a few days, some for months, some years, and others seem to last for ever. Just accept the situation and move on would be my advice OP.

It could be they don’t have the energy to tell you the whole story and if they did they would be crying and never stop.

Most normal people, it would be an absolute wrench to walk away from a 20 year friendship, so whatever the reason, it hasn’t been easy for them to do this either.

They could easily regret doing this, but contacting you in years to come would be just too humiliating for them, either or both of them as they know it looks bad.

I think it’s really shitty that they’ve ghosted you after such a long friendship. I’m probably in the minority here but I’d call one of them from a withheld number and ask why they were ignoring us and had we done something to upset them

Calling someone with your number hidden cause you feel they won’t answer if they know it’s you is weird !!

So is ghosting someone after 25 years of friendship 🤷‍♀️

I would absolutely leave it now and just move on. Could she have got sick of the effort of maintaining his friendships for him and is going a different way now?Poor form from both of them but there's nothing to be gained from chasing. You might find out what happened one day.

Ghosting is such a shitty thing to do. If you have issues, say something, you don't have to go into details. They were never genuine friends. It was a friendship of convenience and that no longer seems to be the case, so they've dropped you.

Husband does not want to message.

too right! They have made their point. I can’t fathom why you’d want to keep pushing.

@batfink2605 my best friend of 40+ years did this. We met on the first day of secondary school, she was my chief bridesmaid and godmother to my children. I sensed her reluctance to meet and actually asked her if she felt the friendship had run its course. She reassured me that all was fine and then blocked me.

I spent hours trying to work out what I'd done wrong, I was so sad. Now, five years on I rarely think about her, but when I do I just feel quite angry that she didn't have the decency to have a conversation with me. I feel for you.

You have see them 3 since in the last 18 months.

how on earth can you be sure no financial issues?

Agree with Pixie. I had something similar. God it was hurtful. I wont get close to friends now since this ah feel for you op. Its lousy after long friendship

Why not just message and say have I done something wrong - we miss you x