Ghosted by friends of 20 years.

[batfink2605]

I realise that I may sound like I am in high school. I promise I am not, and just want someone to either to tell me to get a grip or offer advice. I apologise in advance for length but don't want to drip feed.

Been with my husband 18 years. When I met him, he had a bunch of male friends who he saw weekly. Some of the friendships naturally fizzled over the years. Maintained contact with Tom (so now been friends for 24 years). Tom is married to Laura and they have two children. Their youngest is same age as our youngest.
Tom is godfather to our eldest.

Tom and Laura moved 20 minutes away by car a couple of years ago but we still met every couple of months as a minimum (met up with all kids, walks etc). Tom has always been awful with communication so majority of contact has been via Laura.
However, since December 2024 it has shifted massively and we are at a loss.

• Husband has sent Tom 13 messages since Dec 24. Casual messages in relation to meeting up, say happy birthday etc. Not one response.
• only saw them 3 times in 2025. Fine when we did meet but hard to get Laura to commit.
• no acknowledgement of our youngest daughter's birthday in September
• saw them at end of November 25. All fine. Said we would need to arrange to meet up for Christmas presents
• cancelled on the weekend we agreed to meet up for Christmas. Didn't respond when we asked for a new date
• Laura has ignored all messages since January, including meeting up Feb half term
• husband also messaged Laura ( he is a teacher and wanted to see if wanted to meet over half term). No response.
• nothing for my birthday or husband's birthday
• sent Laura a message for her birthday but no response.

I know that truthfully they have ghosted us but it hurts. Friends for decades and all kids really friendly. My youngest even when to nursery where Laura worked.

Husband does not want to message. He says he has pride and what would we get anyway. He is absolutely gutted as he has no idea what had happened. There have been no arguments at all so it is bizarre.
I want to message to ask but also need to respect Husband. If there had been an incident when we last met I would get it, but it was friendly as normal.

Do I accept the end of a friendship or send a message?

You should have told her she was destroying your mental health and then blocked her. At least she had something rather than nothing! It was mean.

Trust me. You’ve no idea.

To have engaged would have opened up a new channel of shit. It would’ve given her an “in”. That’s all she wanted. She wanted to control me. I had no choice. Did it sit well with me? Not entirely but I couldn’t have her dominating my life.

Fair enough.

You can do nothing or you can contact Laura and still lose the friendship.
I would chance phoning Laura to arrange a girls coffee meet up, or to arrange you dropping a gift (plant) in to her.
I would not text; it is too impersonal.

You can only chat face to face to find out how they have been.

An illness, a death in their family or a depression.
You can only find out by making contact.
For clear communication purposes, I would meet one to one, without your husbands.

I’m really sorry you’re experiencing this OP. We are having very similar with a couple we’ve been close friends with for almost 15 years when our eldests were born. They’ve just semi ghosted us. It’s largely down to them getting close to another couple about 2 years ago, whom they now go on holiday with, have dinner parties & games nights with, go to festivals together etc and not with us. It’s so hurtful. Especially since our DC was so close to them, misses them and their DC and all the things we used to do together. I’m far more hurt for DC than for myself 😪😪😪
All we can do is move on OP. You could always ask them why there is a change.

Of course people change. I've got a couple of long-standing friends who I wouldn't seek out as friends now or pursue a friendship now had I met them through saying a hobby or work. That doesn't mean I'm going to excise them from my life though. It would be mean.

Thank you for the comments, the thoughts and views (as well as the slightly harsher comments as well).
All given food for thought.

I am going to respect my husband's view and not message. I don't want to force a friendship and need to respect their current position. I am sure the door will remain open to them, especially as the kids got on so well together.

The main shift has been Laura. Tom has always been atrocious as responding and it's not unusual for him to ignore messages from everyone. He was still happy to meet up with us several times last year, despite the lack of responses so I do want to defend my husband who has always had the intention of being a supportive friend and checking in on Tom.
I am more upset that my husband has lost a friend. They were there for each other through nights outs in their 20s, marriage, kids, job losses and much much more. I also enjoyed the friendships and will certainly miss that.

We will take this as learning and thank you for your thoughts.

Similar happened to friends of mine. They were close friends with another couple for about 10 years or more. Holidays with them, shared a flat at one point. The two men were the original friends, not sure who made arrangements to meet, probably the women. One couple moved about two hours away and were then hugely offhand with the other couple. They were called out on it and it led to the end of the friendship. I think they couldn’t be bothered any more once they moved, the woman in the couple dropped the rope and the guy was too passive to make any effort to preserve the friendship.

Something like this happened to me. Turned out they were splitting up.

When a similarish thing happened to us it turned out the husband was an alcoholic and had to go to rehab . It shocked all of us

P.S. I'm seeing this more with long-term friends and even relatives. But it's ghosting because they're overwhelmed with life, grief, bereavement....and they cannot share it with the likes of me.

Fair enough. I struggle with so much at the moment, but my way is to be positive or I will break if I give up hope. That's just me. I can understand that it's irritating and upsetting to some. We're all built and wired differently. It's in times of despair and self-preservation that we have to do what suits ourselves first. It's human nature, and for a reason.....