Ghosted by friends of 20 years.

[batfink2605]

I realise that I may sound like I am in high school. I promise I am not, and just want someone to either to tell me to get a grip or offer advice. I apologise in advance for length but don't want to drip feed.

Been with my husband 18 years. When I met him, he had a bunch of male friends who he saw weekly. Some of the friendships naturally fizzled over the years. Maintained contact with Tom (so now been friends for 24 years). Tom is married to Laura and they have two children. Their youngest is same age as our youngest.
Tom is godfather to our eldest.

Tom and Laura moved 20 minutes away by car a couple of years ago but we still met every couple of months as a minimum (met up with all kids, walks etc). Tom has always been awful with communication so majority of contact has been via Laura.
However, since December 2024 it has shifted massively and we are at a loss.

• Husband has sent Tom 13 messages since Dec 24. Casual messages in relation to meeting up, say happy birthday etc. Not one response.
• only saw them 3 times in 2025. Fine when we did meet but hard to get Laura to commit.
• no acknowledgement of our youngest daughter's birthday in September
• saw them at end of November 25. All fine. Said we would need to arrange to meet up for Christmas presents
• cancelled on the weekend we agreed to meet up for Christmas. Didn't respond when we asked for a new date
• Laura has ignored all messages since January, including meeting up Feb half term
• husband also messaged Laura ( he is a teacher and wanted to see if wanted to meet over half term). No response.
• nothing for my birthday or husband's birthday
• sent Laura a message for her birthday but no response.

I know that truthfully they have ghosted us but it hurts. Friends for decades and all kids really friendly. My youngest even when to nursery where Laura worked.

Husband does not want to message. He says he has pride and what would we get anyway. He is absolutely gutted as he has no idea what had happened. There have been no arguments at all so it is bizarre.
I want to message to ask but also need to respect Husband. If there had been an incident when we last met I would get it, but it was friendly as normal.

Do I accept the end of a friendship or send a message?

Or something happened between her visa and and this Laura and that’s why he doesn’t want to message

I would if Laura is less invested in the friendship and made effort in early days and when kids were little but actually saw you more as her husbands friends. And as time has gone on she decided if he wants the friendship he can make effort and he doesn’t so the friendship died.

OP
Been there and never understood. It’s a mystery that you may never solve.
And it’s understandable that it hurts.
Nowt as queer as folk, as they say in Yorkshire.
The guarantee is that they’ve done this before and will do it again.
If you look at their history you’ll have seen it happen to others.

Another vote for something going on in their lives that they don’t want to talk about - whether that’s in general or to you specifically.

It’s hard, I know. I’ve been there with someone who was once one of my closest friends. She hasn’t ghosted me as such - if I message, she’ll reply, but never initiates contact, and the promises of meeting up are empty. In this case, I think it was because she had an affair and had confided in me. When that all came out, she worked through it with her husband, but our friendship was never the same - I think because she associated me with her mistake.

Men are often bad at maintaining friendships- could it be that she doesn’t like your husbands for some reason? Seems odd but not unusual

Thank you for all the messages. I agree we need to leave them alone and accept their view. Will not send any more messages as not going to embarrass myself. Also feel it would be strange to meet up again after all this time and this lack of contact, unless there is a genuine reason we are not aware of.
Instead I need to concentrate on friendships that value me and want to be in contact. It is all very strange but need to put my big girl pants on and read the signs clearly (think we were being hopeful and naive that they would respond previously).

To quickly answers questions asked...
Messages between my husband and Laura were infrequent and just about logistics of where to meet/times etc. Main contact was always between me and Laura. Definitely no affair.

There has never been any indication they don't like us. Contact for 23 out of 24 years would suggest that. As mentioned, it was all fine and normal when we last met.

Tom was last active on WhatsApp last night so hasn't changed his number.

This is the problem though. Your DH has sent no fewer than 13 messages which neither of them have responded to. Surely that's as clear a message as you can get that they don't want to keep up the friendship.

its hurtful but sending more and more messages isn't going to change the situation, in fact from their perspective they could be quite frustrated by you not taking on board their wishes. Some people are really bad at explaining why they don't want the friendship anymore, they've clearly moved on.

I can accept people ending a friendship (although I think ghosting is a cowardly and rude way to do it), but someone basically stepping away from their godparent role I find really hard to understand.

Something is going on for them and they don’t want to discuss it.

Yeah it could be about how one of them is getting along with you guys but that is still about them and their feelings. I know we have a group of friends and one of the wives doesn’t like another one of the wives but we still like both of them so that is just a personality clash thing rather than something to fix. It happens.

There really isn’t much you can do, it is not a nice situation for you and your husband.

A friend of ours ghosted us. Had known him for decades. He was godfather to our first child. He just stopped responding to us. He got divorced and had a breakdown.

It is deeply hurtful when things like this happen. They've shown poor form, especially as they are your dc's godparents which in my opinion means in most circumstances they should stay in touch.

Sadly, they have made their choice and you are right to stop trying now. If you'd only sent a couple unanswered messages I'd suggest calling or writing a card, but the fact it's been well over a year and 14 messages not responded to (!!), they have made it clear they are not interested. Sort of like they've shown you who they are, so believe them. You will likely never know the real reason (it could be anything from divorce as people mentioned, to just not liking you nor wanting to spend time with you etc) and I think you just have to be okay with not knowing and accepting it is over.

Also if they resurface in the future, remember you still have a choice whether to accept them back as friends. We don't have to put up with everyone's behaviour and have the right to set the bar for how we want to be treated.This is a hard but important lesson for us all - or at least it was a hard lesson for me to learn.

Sounds like they have tried to let the friendship fizzle out but then received 13 messages that they didn't respond to so figured the message wasn't clear enough and then that just turned in to ghosting. It's not nice to not know why, but maybe the truth would be very painful to know too.

What responsibilities though? It’s a honorary role, not an official one. I’d find it very odd personally if someone actively disconnected from the parent(s), but still felt “responsible“ for their godchild.

Has either of you tried picking up the phone to talk to them?

I wouldn't be so sure about there being no marital problems. Everyone was absolutely shocked when I seperated from my husband because I totally faked it until I couldn't any more. And in the run up to actually saying it all out loud I realise I definitely withdrew quite a bit as it was becoming more and more challenging to pretend. So don't just assume all is well in that respect.

OK, 'responsibilities' might not be the exact word; I know it's not a role with any legal obligations or standing. But IME at least, people who offer it and those who accept it take it seriously; it's a commitment to being a supportive adult for a child for life and it involves turning up, staying in touch etc. So I find it more odd for someone who is godparent to a child to actively disconnect from the parents, precisely BECAUSE they have this role/relationship with the child.

I’ve had similar happen to me, it’s very upsetting

I think people have shit going on that they want to keep private. Redundancy, difficult finances, separation, elderly/dying parents, that sort of thing

try and move past it as hard as it is.

Yes. Didn't pick up. They have always been the type of people to text rather than call. To be fair I hate people ringing me so naturally been texts or WhatsApp for years.

13 messages and no reply especially when your husband has asked if everything is okay is a clear message from them IMO.

How old are both of your children? I find friendships with kids start getting harder as you get older as you cannot force kids to like each other. Could there be an issue with the kids you don’t know about? Are your kids well behaved?

In order I would guess:
Marital issues
Family issues
Issues between the kids
There’s a behaviour you do that you aren’t aware about and they’re sick of it

I don’t think people cut friends of this long off for absolutely no reason, the fact you have seen them recently shows you haven’t done something that’s upset them to warrant a cut off but their behaviour shows they are trying hard to cut you off. It could be an accumulation of things they’ve perceived you to have done over time. They could be having severe marital issues.

Ignoring so many messages is very pointed behaviour from them. Even a sorry we have a lot going on goes quite far, the fact they haven’t says a lot.

One of my friends goes very quiet when she’s having some issues in her life she doesn’t want to talk about, so maybe it’s that? It sounds like you still have their Christmas presents that were never exchanged? If I were you I think I would’ve randomly dropped them round at some point to see if they said anything in person about anything going on, and just to get them out of my house if it’d been like a month. But I guess it is a bit weird to do that after several months. I’m not surprised you’re sad and confused to be ghosted with no drama after such a long friendship

I think this is one of those things that you could think about for ages and not get anywhere .People are strange sometimes ,and it may be that they have met other friends where they moved to .Maybe children may have new chums too . It hurts ,but I would leave it now .They have pulled back .Maybe see other friends or make new ones .Ask DC to invite friends over .Sometimes you just go in a different direction ,20 years is a long time (longer than some marriages!)

Assume you don’t have any mutuals there really isn’t anything you can do. I agree w your DH - pride is at stake.

i was ghosted by a longstanding good friend in my early 30s, I never found out why, we didn’t have any mutual friends (our friends knew each other but weren’t friends themselves iykwim) and it hurt for ages. I thought maybe something had happened to her, did I do something awful, was it because I had a baby and she didn’t (although was living w her partner so not far behind and they ended up having DC not that long after). We are FB friends now and have been for years, which is pretty meaningless but still …

God I'd have to ask them!!! Could not be left wondering for years what has gone on.

I think they have something going on in their life.
If it is something difficult then if people put pressure on for dates / making arrangements when they are barely coping then they shut down.
This is no fault of yours or your husband , if you ask they may ignore , so it's best left sadly.
I am dealing with lots of issues and now that I am 60 next big birthday , I prefer to stay at home if I am not at work .Even if people are nice and friendly the thought of going out / making arrangements just causes me stress and anxiety.

This happened to me. My best friend ghosted me after I had a baby, it was awful. I tried and tried. Two years later found out she was having marital problems and as a result divorcing husband. The friendship never recovered even though I tried again ( silly me!). I guess she wanted to move on from her old life. Let it go