Parents - no longer interested

[namechanger1980]

Hi,

I had my children fairly young and for almost 20 years, they were the only grandchildren. My sibling had his children much later in life.

He’s now had two children, absolutely gorgeous and I love to spoil them, but it feels like my parents have forgotten the rest of us exist. They only see us tagged onto a visit to see my sibling, and we’ll get a very limited visit, so for example parents will arrange to stay for the weekend with my sibling and his family, and will drop in for a cup of tea on the way home with us.

We’re regularly side lined, they’ll change plans to make it work that they can see my sibling and his children, without a second thought about how that might feel to me.

Now, I am obviously aware, we had pretty much their undivided attention for a very long time, but it stings that we’re now so irrelevant. I feel like they need to share time more evenly, although I do appreciate my sibling now needs “help” and we don’t as ours are fully grown, and realise they will maybe spend more time with them to help.

I find it really hard to confront anything, I don’t want to fall out with them, but I’m finding it really hard how they can’t see the issue. It just all feels so hurtful.

Am I being ridiculous? Would you say anything?

I don't think it's that you're now irrelevant, it's just that your brother now is receiving the same level of attention that you had when your children were smaller. I really wouldn't bring this up with them, that you as an adult feel you need the same level of interest and input as fairly new grandchildren get.

The only thing I would consider is that if they change plans, to be clear that it's disappointing that you now won't see them. Then suggest a time when you and they could meet instead.

You don’t need to confront anything, you could say you’d love to see them more and arrange things so you can. It’s probably the novelty of young children, from yours they’ll know to well how quickly those stages pass. Do you suggest getting together and they turn you down or are you waiting for them to initiate it? Are yours living at home still or is it harder to get everyone together if they live away? Do your children not have their own relationships with their grandparents? 20 years ago I had a grandma living on the other side of the world who I didn’t see often but we’d text weekly and post each other things to stay in touch.

I mean… your kids are adults now right? If they were born 20 years ago. I was expected to be the one to make the effort to see my Nanna way before the age of 20.

They’re giving all the attention to the new grandchildren that your children were so lucky to have for 20 years.
I’d cut them some slack, and maybe encourage your children to pop in to see their grandparents of their own accord.

TBH, it’s not really about the children, mine are both busy with their own stuff going on, but I’m still their daughter, I’m the same “level” of relation as my brother but I now feel like I’m not. Like I’m seen as a more distant relation. It’s the, I get what’s left, that hurts. And that they do it with no sorry, no thought, I’m just told this is what’s happening.

Your children are now probably late teens / 20s and tbh I can see why you feel a bit put out ( aka jealous ) but I see your parents view of new grandchildren all cute and new as something they want involvement with .

I don’t know… Reading your post, it seems self-explanatory? Your kids are grown-up. Not being sarky or anything, OP. They just want to spend more time with the little ones. It’s okay for to feel the way you do, too.

PS. my sister is always no.1, I get it OP.

Sorry I think YABU. You parents presumably gave your children attention when they were little and now it's your sibling's kids turn. Unless your parents completely ignored your children when growing up then I dont see why this bothers you so much.

Your children are presumably teens/adults now so probably arent exactly falling over themselves to spend time with their grandparents and thats a normal phase of life. When I was that age I still loved my grandparents but frankly, I found them quite boring to hang out with and preferred spending time with my friends.

I think you sound a bit jealous that your children's baby phase has gone and actually thats quite natural to feel sad about that.

How much attention did your DB get when you had two DC fairly young? I suspect they're giving his young DC similar attention to yours at the same age, and that DB and you don't come into it.

I experience similar and understand it's a bit hurtful. I am mainly hurt on behalf of my kids. The grandparents have no interest in them now that they are teens and are critical of them. My daughter called her nan for a chat recently and was cut off as nan was sorting things for visit from sibling and young grandchild.

My daughter is a sensitive teen and likely won't initiate a call again any time soon, and was hurt by this.

Changing plans isn’t nice but rather than look at it as being side-lined, could you not adjust your mindset to thinking they are focusing their help and support on where it is needed most and that they are twenty years older now so have to deploy their energy more strategically?

Also, if your dc are in their twenties, why are you still facilitating their relationship(s) with their gps?

I live closer than my brother, hence they pop in and see me after they’ve been there.

It just all feels a bit shit, for years I was the daughter who cared and ran around doing things for them whilst my brother travelled etc, and now it just feels like they’re not interested, and couldn’t care how it feels to me. I absolutely get the novelty of cute children, I adore them, but it doesn’t make it any less stingy

I also wonder if your brother's child trumps yours due to the classic misogyny of older generations. That's certainly the case iny family sadly.

I wonder if your brother felt a bit sidelined himself while your parents were giving all their attention to your children?

Years ago as 22 year old i had a baby as an unmarried mother. It was socially unacceptable at the time and my parents woukd have nothing to do with my baby, wouldn't have him their house . He died as a very young baby. When my brother and sister had children my parents couldn't do enough fo them. And every Christmas, new year, holidays and other routine occasions were spent with their grand children. If I invited them to visit me I was told No, we want to spend time with the grand children. I cant tell you how hurtful that was. I felt I was pushed out of the family all together. They called their grandchildren " our girls" and " our boys" .

So I can empathise with how you are feeling OP but perhaps it hasn't been easy for ypur brother with all the years they focused on your children
.

The brother's children aren't "trumping" the OPs, the OP had their undivided attention for nearly 20 years!

Dealing with disappointment from changing plans, and feeling like you are being a bit taken for granted is a separate issue to the grandparents being uneven in their attention to the different grandchildren. That can be addressed by being clear with your parents that short notice changes to plans is disappointing.

You are a grown woman, come on they are not being neglectful they are fitting you all in. If you want to see them 1:1 then go to their house, meet them for a coffee near where they live.
You said yourself your children are busy, they don't really care. I think you are just feeling sorry for yourself when there is no need. Give them a call/ pop in to see them. This is how resentment builds.
Do you have other things going on in your life that are making you feel this way?

When only you had children, did they tack on a cuppa with your DB after a visit to your family?

I can see why you feel pushed out OP, however I don't feel your parents are doing anything wrong.
Similar happened with my mum and her sister. My mum had her children in her early twenties and my aunt had her boys when she was in her late 30's. Therefore I was 18 when my oldest cousin was born. For 2 decades we got my grandparents undivided attention. They took us on holidays, my grandfather would let us climb all over him like a hobby horse. When my cousins were born we had our own lives, we didn't do holidays etc and we weren't included in their plans when my cousins came along. My cousins had our grandparents join them on holidays rather than take them, there was no football or roughhousing as they were too old. My grandparents are still with us, I've had them for 37 years, my cousins 18/19. I got to see my grandparents as fun and adventurous, they got to experience our Grandparents as old people with signs of dementia and cancer diagnosis. Some of my core memories are big multi generation Christmases hosted by my Grandmother, love and noise and so much food. My cousins never got to experience that because my grandmother could not cope with the pressure of hosting when they were born. Comparison is the thief of joy, but I feel sorry that my cousins got the older less capable time with my grandparents. Be grateful for the time you have, no doubt your parents are now trying to grasp every moment with their new grandchildren because they know they probably won't see them grow up like they have with your children.

No I don’t think that’s the case.

It’s really hard to describe on here without sounding like a knobhead. I get it, I get the novelty, I get that they would have seen much more of us when my children were little, but they’re now retired (weren’t back then) and have significantly more free time and rather than use that spread, it feels like they throw it all at one and forget the other. They’re my parents too.

Anyway, onwards and upwards!