Parents - no longer interested

[namechanger1980]

Hi,

I had my children fairly young and for almost 20 years, they were the only grandchildren. My sibling had his children much later in life.

He’s now had two children, absolutely gorgeous and I love to spoil them, but it feels like my parents have forgotten the rest of us exist. They only see us tagged onto a visit to see my sibling, and we’ll get a very limited visit, so for example parents will arrange to stay for the weekend with my sibling and his family, and will drop in for a cup of tea on the way home with us.

We’re regularly side lined, they’ll change plans to make it work that they can see my sibling and his children, without a second thought about how that might feel to me.

Now, I am obviously aware, we had pretty much their undivided attention for a very long time, but it stings that we’re now so irrelevant. I feel like they need to share time more evenly, although I do appreciate my sibling now needs “help” and we don’t as ours are fully grown, and realise they will maybe spend more time with them to help.

I find it really hard to confront anything, I don’t want to fall out with them, but I’m finding it really hard how they can’t see the issue. It just all feels so hurtful.

Am I being ridiculous? Would you say anything?

So you've talked about them coming round to see you, why dont you pop round to see them if it bothers you so much?

Are you making an effort to make plans with them?

They had a distant relationship, so mostly no.

We had a close relationship, they chose to see us (whether inviting us to them or them coming here) and now they don’t, or they do because it’s convenient. I just feel a bit sad about that.

I do, but why the need for it to be so onesided?

I’ve got plenty of that, doesn’t mean I don’t miss the relationship I had with my parents

You had their undivided attention for two decades, now its your brothers turn. Yabu you know you are.

it isn't one sided. Your parents love you, you just aren't their priority right now. You had more of your parents for two decades. the pendulum has just swung the other way. that is fair. By them spending equal time with you and your brother now that would be unfair.

do you feel a bit daft that you’ve done stuff and you could have not bothered? If so I can totally understand, I’ve been dropped by my mother , she’s not interested in my teenager either really , difference being I’m an only child and teenager her only grandchild! I’ve spent hours of my life doing stuff for her, being a good daughter , being a bloody martyr I suppose and I could have saved myself the effort and angst and pushed back sooner.

I am projecting of course but that struck a chord.

I get your point, but by being retired they spend significantly more time with my brothers family than they did mine, which is understandable. However, I find it hard that they have so much free time, that they can’t “share” it a bit more fairly. It’s a significant change in our relationship.

Maybe they feel guilty about how little they saw of your DB during the years he didn’t have kids and they are trying to make up for it now?

Maybe they want to spend some of their retirement time on themselves rather than splitting it between their kids?

Maybe they reckon you’ve had 20 years and now it’s your DB’s turn?

You think they are favouring your brother over you . I understand how you must feel . But perhaps they don't favour either of you and are only interested in the kids anyway !

I wouldn’t say I feel daft, I love them to bits (which is why I’m hurt), I feel a level of frustration that they know, I know and my brother knows that in years to come they will need support and that will be me a) because I would want to help b) my brother isn’t that way inclined and c) I’ll be in a better position, and my parents are vocal about that.

So I cant but feel like at the moment, I’m not “in favour” but in time I will, but at the meantime I feel hurt.

It was mainly on DB side TBH, and I think that’s part of it, they’ve now got his attention. He’s very different to me, I feel they probably are scared he’ll back off so they’re throwing everything at the relationship, which I understand.

Was your brother sidelined when you and your family had their undivided attention? Did your parents spend as much time visiting him as they did with you, invite him to every event?

Just accept that they devoted themselves to you and your family when you needed them and are now doing the same for him. Have some good grace about it.

He was always invited to everything. As I’ve said in my posts, he chose/wasn’t that bothered. We have very different relationships with our parents.

Not particularly. We’re very different people. We’ve got closer since his children have been born as I dote on them, before that we barely really spoke.

I didn’t say it wasn’t, I miss the relationship I had. The relationship where we would arrange to do something and it wouldn’t be cancelled.

Are they trying to make up for lost time now your db seems to need them more?
They probably missed him for all those years he was travelling and were hurt by his lack of care, but now they see the grandchildren as an opportunity to feel closer and needed by him.

But it's not fair for that to affect your relationship with them. What were they like when you were both children and living at home, did you feel they treated you both fairly then?

My brother is the golden child and no matter what either one of us does, if my mum has the opportunity to spend time with him she takes it and drops me. She knows I'm reliable and consistent so doesn't have to try hard with me.

They’ve always been closer to me. I absolutely believe they are trying desperately to hang on to a relationship with him, which I get. I’d do the same!

Your last paragraph absolutely hits the nail on the head. They don’t see him as the golden child (everyone would say that’s me!) however, they have to make effort with him. I’m reliable, softer etc. They know whatever happens id be there

It's a shame they can't do both but I wonder if they think it's about the grandchildren, rather than admit or acknowledge it's about your db.
How long has it been happening?
Have you spoken to them about doing things just you and them, without your DCs?

Few years, it’s really ramped up since the younger one was born.

We suggest things all the time, it’s nearly always greeted with “we’ll need to check we aren’t needed at db first” or gets cancelled when they do ask them to come.

I feel for you because it sounds like you've tried everything. I should imagine if you directly said you feel left out they would deny it's happening.

All siblings have different relationships with their parents, it's because they are different people!