Parents - no longer interested

[namechanger1980]

Hi,

I had my children fairly young and for almost 20 years, they were the only grandchildren. My sibling had his children much later in life.

He’s now had two children, absolutely gorgeous and I love to spoil them, but it feels like my parents have forgotten the rest of us exist. They only see us tagged onto a visit to see my sibling, and we’ll get a very limited visit, so for example parents will arrange to stay for the weekend with my sibling and his family, and will drop in for a cup of tea on the way home with us.

We’re regularly side lined, they’ll change plans to make it work that they can see my sibling and his children, without a second thought about how that might feel to me.

Now, I am obviously aware, we had pretty much their undivided attention for a very long time, but it stings that we’re now so irrelevant. I feel like they need to share time more evenly, although I do appreciate my sibling now needs “help” and we don’t as ours are fully grown, and realise they will maybe spend more time with them to help.

I find it really hard to confront anything, I don’t want to fall out with them, but I’m finding it really hard how they can’t see the issue. It just all feels so hurtful.

Am I being ridiculous? Would you say anything?

Maybe I was spoilt, we’ve had a lovely relationship

What happens when you suggest going to them?

I am much older than my siblings and have children, they do not. My parents and step parents are actively involved in my children's lives and have help me out all the time.

I look at it as when my sibling have children my parents will be older so they may not be able to help out the same way as they have me, but I know they’ll wan’t to give those gkids the love they give mine and enjoy them for as long as they can, your children and have had at least 15+ years of being the focus.

I know I will be around to help them with their children and will try to help them they way our parents helped up as I have had the good years!

You are speaking as though you have no agency though in having to care for them? One thing I would say is better to feel guilt than resentment.

But little kids are much cuter and more fun than your now adult children, OP. This all just sounds perfectly normal.

Generally something gets arranged, but it’s often with a caveat that it’s ok as long as they aren’t required elsewhere. And they’re very open about that, there’s no sorry we need to cancel, they just announce it.

Im fully aware, they believe I get it, my brothers needs are far higher than mine, I just find it upsetting how it’s handled.

I’ve received a lot of criticism on this thread, but to be clear I don’t expect an absolute equal split of their time, I fully get that they want to spend time with the children (I would too, they’re lovely!), I fully get that I’ve had my time with mine little and them helping, I get things change. It’s just such a change, and I do struggle to accept that they can’t have some time allocated to seeing me/my lot whilst also spending a lot of time there.

Oh absolutely, they are far cuter. I’d wish them good luck in reading the gruffalo to my pair

It sounds like it's nothing to do with either of them being no.1 but rather the grandparents enjoying (fleeting) time with young children.
The OP needs to let the bee out of her bonnet. It isn't about her. Or even about her brother.

I understand your point OP, it's happened in my family too.

I hear you @namechanger1980 . For years you were their go to, always there, always available. Your brother was offered the same in terms of support at the time but didn't accept as he had other priorities. Now he needs the support he is availing of it as it suits his current needs. However you feel your relationship with your parents is a very low priority to them as your brother comes first.
You need to have a conversation.
It's not going to be easy but maybe point out that your relationship has changed and you feel like an afterthought at times. See how they respond and as you said you think they will need you more going forward. Best get it sorted now before resentment starts building which it will if it's not addressed.

The changing plans made with you so they can see your brother and his children is horrible. I’d tell them that I feel really hurt the next time they do this.

My mum spent a lot more time with me and my family than time with my sister because she was very involved with the grandchildren .
My sister didn’t have children. My sister certainly didn’t resent it and she did occasional fun stuff ie trips away etc instead.
Likewise I am very involved with my daughter and her little family because I help her with the children.
The time will come when her younger brothers will hopefully have a family and I will then be giving the majority of my time to them .
It’s just normal behaviour.

Isn’t this just what happens when people have children? My husband and I cannot have children. Had many miscarriages instead. We barely see his parents unless we go to one of his siblings houses for a child’s birthday. They refuse to ever spend Christmas Day with us as they “need to see the grandchildren”. I’ve been told on here many times that this is normal and it would be ridiculous to expect parents to only want to see their actual children. Grandchildren take priority always. My husband hasn’t seen his parents on Christmas Day for over 13 years now. And no we can’t “go to them” as they go to the other houses and we can’t exactly invite ourselves.

There are a lot of people who post who love being needlessly unpleasant.

Pick out the useful posts (which do include the tough-love ones, but not the meanspirited ones) and ignore the rest.

OP, I get where you're coming from. It's less about the kids I think but more about your parents fawning over your brother's family a little.

I can totally understand where you are coming from, and also why the situation has arisen from your parents point of view. It’s a weird and kinda shit compliment to be taken for granted by someone you love, because they are secure in their relationship with you.

I would raise it gently with my parents, but I’d avoid mentioning your DB/DNs. Instead I’d make it about you and your DPs.

I feel we don’t get to see each other very much any more, or you aren’t able to prioritise time with me and that makes me feel xxxxx.

although the reason might be your DB, that actually doesn’t matter in some ways, it’s not about getting equal treatment. But a more emotional need for more time together.

That’s a great perspective on it, thank you

As far as attention to the children is concerned, that sounds fair and unsurprising. You had many years where your kids got a lot of time and attention. Now they are having a second round with their new grandchildren and yours are grown. I get what you're saying about them now being retired and having more time but I expect 20 years ago they were more sprightly than they are now, so swings and roundabouts.

I think the bit you are right to feel a bit narked about is that is always been you doing the grunt work of running around after your parents. Your brother didn't get involved because he was off travelling and having adventures. And now he's busy with a young family (and the roles of helper/non- helper are ingrained).

Remind yourself not to be a martyr. Your children are grown up so time for you to travel more, have fun, do things for yourself. If your parents moan that you aren't around so much tell them it's your chance to have some adventures and point them in the direction of your brother more often. It might wake them up a bit to realise how they might be taking you for granted? Plus while you're having fun you wont dwell on it.

Yeah that’s shitty then in that case. I was wondering if they were only interested in grandchildren but obviously not and I can see why you’re hurt by it.

I think some of these comments are pretty weird. Regardless of the relationship, it's not normal for people to arrange plans and openly say they'll only be there if they're not needed elsewhere? It's really rude and hurtful, and especially so from your own parents.

I'd actually have a chat with them OP and just ask if there is anything you can do so you could actually spend some time together as they always seem to cancel on you.

I think I get it OP. I think there may be a sense of abandonment for you?

For them it's the novelty perhaps, a closer feeling to their son, even if only because they are needed to alleviate some of the strain for your brother and his partner in dealing with their children, which you didnt have on hand to the same extent because they weren't retired.

It is a compliment to you. They dont feel they need to show you how much they care for and love you, as you know it. They are comfortable and confident in that belief, I think.

Sometimes as parents, we get things wrong, when we think we're doing right. Probably looking after the wee ones exhausts them! But they dont want to voice this to anyone other than each other!

Could you do a meal at theirs during a week night, as they live close to you and just see them for a few hours? Or do the weekly shopping together with them? Or help in the garden together? Try and think how you could join in with their lives and the essential things they need to do rather than dedicated time?

I've spent some of the best laughs with my Mum food shopping! And also with Dad in the garden.

Try and think differently at this time OP. I truly don't think they mean malice from what you have posted. Maybe they're beiing a little clumsy in their time allocation, but I do think they'd say.... but we were always there to help you when we could when yours were little. We're just doing the same.

To be fair OP, you dont know what leisure or friend activities they may have cancelled to help you when yours were younger, as they were younger then as well?

Sorry if I’ve missed it, I’ve skim read the replies…the blindingly obvious thing to me is that your parents are now 20 years older. We’ll never know what it’s like to get a certain age, and certainly with our parents , we think they’ll go on forever…but I’ve no doubt that 20 years on, your parents are more tired than they’ve ever been.

we have a grandchild whose 3. We invest absolutely everything into her. Why wouldn’t we, whilst we’re fit and able. But that will be different if my other kids have children 20 years from now. Tbh I’m tired now from the grandchild that I have! I’ll still want to invest in my future grandchildren and treat them the same just as I treat her now….but tbh I imagine the sheer tiredness will leave me with not much for everyone else!

I get that you’re not asking your parents to be grandparents to your adult kids and be the parent to you that they once were…but we all age and grow tired. And until that time comes to you, you can’t understand it. My in laws were wonderfully involved with my kids. They were active grandparents both in the mind and physical form. My husband and I never thought anymore about it. It’s now only that we’re that age, that we’ve looked at each other and said how did they manage it?!

I know you think to pop round for a cup of tea is hardly strenuous or going out to lunch should be a wonderful relaxed experience, what’s tiring about that? But really the older you get, the less you want to do. I relish getting “all my jobs done “ early in the week to be able to potter the end of the week. I enjoy ticking everything off my list to be able to enjoy a day or afternoon in my house. Your mum and dad must be finding grand parenting 20 years on , exhausting, it must be only natural that they do. Maybe tagging you in on the way home is sometimes as much as they can manage.

I know it feels hard, of course you deserve to see them too. I just think they’re exhausted without saying so.

I think people here arent getting your point very well .Of course you love your DN /DB ,but you havent gone anywhere! They are still your DP and you want a RL with them where you dont always come as an afterthought.Can you speak to Mum and ask her to come shopping or for a meal out? Somewhere DC dont come along as well .If she agrees thats good .If not ,dont be upset but just say you like to see her for a girly chat . I think she probably feels like lots of DGP. wants to enjoy them ,maybe she feels as she gets older to make the most of a second time GM. Dont take it to heart OP maybe she just needs a gentle reminder from you to have some grown up time too!

Absolutely shocking behaviour from your parents, utterly outrageous. I’m so, so sorry you experienced that. I’m endless saddened by how shit some people can be towards their children, yet children are programmed to really love their parents.