Parents - no longer interested

[namechanger1980]

Hi,

I had my children fairly young and for almost 20 years, they were the only grandchildren. My sibling had his children much later in life.

He’s now had two children, absolutely gorgeous and I love to spoil them, but it feels like my parents have forgotten the rest of us exist. They only see us tagged onto a visit to see my sibling, and we’ll get a very limited visit, so for example parents will arrange to stay for the weekend with my sibling and his family, and will drop in for a cup of tea on the way home with us.

We’re regularly side lined, they’ll change plans to make it work that they can see my sibling and his children, without a second thought about how that might feel to me.

Now, I am obviously aware, we had pretty much their undivided attention for a very long time, but it stings that we’re now so irrelevant. I feel like they need to share time more evenly, although I do appreciate my sibling now needs “help” and we don’t as ours are fully grown, and realise they will maybe spend more time with them to help.

I find it really hard to confront anything, I don’t want to fall out with them, but I’m finding it really hard how they can’t see the issue. It just all feels so hurtful.

Am I being ridiculous? Would you say anything?

Honestly I felt like this when my older sister's kids were born long before mine. I was in my early twenties and it was like I ceased to exist. In my case I think my (divorced) parents were being competitive with each other and that meant even more than the kids and in any case turns out my parents are completely nuts. Maybe yours are too it's just that you're only able to see it now because they are showing you they can only focus on one thing/person at a time when before you were that focus -- or at least your kids were. You can't say your brother didn't care because you don't know what it was like to be him then. I suspect if he hadn't cared he would be ringing you up now complaining and bewildered about why they now seem to be always there!

I don't blame you for feeling sad about it and I'm not having a go. I just think maybe you're noticing something about your parents that was always there, you just didn't see it.

Don’t understand me 🤷🏼‍♀️. They choose to go for that length of time, they’re not babysitting, they are not running around after the children as their parents do that. If it’s that exhausting, why would you do that if it then means you don’t wish to then spend time with your other daughter and grandchildren? I’ve asked them if they’d like to leave earlier to have lunch with us and I’m turned down. What more can I do.

You've had your turn, it's now his.

I’m sorry you felt like that, I’d be amazed if he felt like he ceased to exist. He barely spent any time with us all as a family for a long time before my children appeared, that’s just always been the sad dynamic of our family. It always upset my parents, and he showed very little interest in my children, but mainly because he was young and out and about - and maybe just didn’t like them .

We’ve just always had a fraught relationship, it’s slightly better now but still not really there.

My child is grown up now but my sibling’s children are still young, my parents visit them every week and I just go to my sibling’s house to see them, I wouldn’t expect them to come especially for me. They will visit when my child is down or I will visit them.

I’ve got the opposite problem.

My DS is 4 and is an only child. Both sets of GP have 1 other GC each and both are now adults. GP spend way more time with their adult GC than they do with our 4 year old.

They will visit the our siblings and their adult GC every week often multiple times. They visit us and their 4 year old GC maybe once a month of that despite living locally.

The reason given is that they consider they've done their GC stint and don’t really want to go through it all again. They almost act as if our DS isn’t really their GC. They have as much contact with their friends GC than they do with their own.

It sounds like they're behaving in a really extreme way and it's understandable that that's making you feel really sad. As long as your DB isn't a single father, or has a wife deployed the army, or something, which I'm sure you would have mentioned, there's no reason that they can't make a plan to do something with you, without the caveat that the will cancel it if summoned by him. I think you're right that they're desperately trying to claw back the relationship that they felt was lacking with him before and they are neglecting you and your feelings because they feel confident that you'll always be there for them, as you say. I don't think you sound remotely spoilt.
Just a thought; they might calm down in a couple of years, if the little ones are still really tiny. The height of grandparent intensity is usually in the baby and toddler stage, ime.
I think you should talk to your mum about it but I appreciate confrontation is uncomfortable. Using the word "prioritize" as suggested by PP isn't the best idea. You wouldn't really be asking them to prioritise you at all, just find a bit more time for you and stop treating you like an afterthought.

Honestly, my mum stopped giving a shit about spending any time at all with me as soon as I popped a grandbaby out.