Parents - no longer interested

[namechanger1980]

Hi,

I had my children fairly young and for almost 20 years, they were the only grandchildren. My sibling had his children much later in life.

He’s now had two children, absolutely gorgeous and I love to spoil them, but it feels like my parents have forgotten the rest of us exist. They only see us tagged onto a visit to see my sibling, and we’ll get a very limited visit, so for example parents will arrange to stay for the weekend with my sibling and his family, and will drop in for a cup of tea on the way home with us.

We’re regularly side lined, they’ll change plans to make it work that they can see my sibling and his children, without a second thought about how that might feel to me.

Now, I am obviously aware, we had pretty much their undivided attention for a very long time, but it stings that we’re now so irrelevant. I feel like they need to share time more evenly, although I do appreciate my sibling now needs “help” and we don’t as ours are fully grown, and realise they will maybe spend more time with them to help.

I find it really hard to confront anything, I don’t want to fall out with them, but I’m finding it really hard how they can’t see the issue. It just all feels so hurtful.

Am I being ridiculous? Would you say anything?

I would say something to them not in a confrontational but next time they cancel something or have to check what they're doing with him first. I'd say I appreciate that we had more of your time when the kids were little and now you want to spend time with DB's children but it is quite hurtful to be dropped without a thought or just a cup of tea fitted in on your way home .I would still like to spend time with you. Maybe you could pencil something in monthly that is your time and unless there is a dire emergency, it won't be cancelled.

Did they treat your brother as an afterthought when he didn’t have children?

Maybe your sibling felt like that when your kids were getting all of your parent’s attention?

No absolutely not. They’ve always been upset by the lack of relationship. Which I feel explains the situation now, and as I said in a previous post, I get it and if it was me I’d be putting in as much effort as I could to retain that relationship now. I just wouldn’t want my other adult child to feel pushed out

I don’t think so. He was young, free and single, travelling, working etc. The attention was definitely available if he wanted it. They were very into my children, but they didn’t devote all free time to us as they worked/did a lot of travel

From feast to famine is a very hard adjustment

Especially if you have regularly made arrangements to see them and they drop them in an instant because your brother wants them, that's just plain rude. To cancel now and then, sure. But if it's a regular thing then that is just plain not ok on their part and I think you're allowed to say something. Who would be more receptive, your mother or your father? Sometimes dads can be more rational about this sort of thing.

ok, so here you say about your parents relationship with your kids: "They had a distant relationship, so mostly no." but then later you say: "They were very into my children" -so which is it?

You are giving kind of conflicting messages here - either they were into your kids or they werent, it cant be both and if they were completely uninterested in your own children then you are right to feel upset now but if they were interested then I think thats why a lot of us on this thread arent seeing what you are seeing.

Yes but circumstances in their life now allows them to devote more time to you DB’s children as they have more free time.

do you think, if they situation was reversed, your parents would do the same for your kids as they’re doing for your DB’s kids?

I honestly couldn’t be mad at my parents for wanting to spend as much time as possible with their young grandchildren.

3 out of 4 of my children’s grandparents have passed away and I am sad that my children never benefitted from spending time with those grandparents but I don’t feel jealous of their cousin who did get to spend a lot of time with them

My sibling doesn't have children so I can't compare exactly. But when my children were young our parents always wanted to see us, invite us to dinner and go places with us, but now my children are older that doesn't happen anymore! We still get together sometimes, but it's nothing like it used to be - I think it's maybe something to do with the children being young still?

Oh I must have quoted the wrong post, the distant relationship was in regard to the relationship they’ve had with my brother for years.

They absolutely would. That’s not my issue, they see a lot more of my brother and his children because they have more time, that’s not argument, I’m not bothered about that.
It bothers me that for a very long time, we’ve had a great relationship and I don’t understand why all of their free time can’t be split a little more to retain that relationship

Oh Mum definitely, but she is even less confrontational so wouldn’t then attempt to change it.

But it was fine when the one-sidedness benefited you?

It wasn’t their choice for it to be one sided, so what because my brother wasn’t interested they should have limited interest in my children?

I’m not single minded, I feel awful for feeling upset with them as it’s not in my nature. We’ve been close forever and now I feel something and it’s bloody horrible. It’s horrible to feel upset inside.

ok

You are feeling neglected.
Don't act on your jealousy.

Think laterally instead. Brain storm how to see your parents while not affecting their ability to help with young grandchildren.
Join in often at your brother's home.
Take a meal around to share.
Ask whether your older kids could baby sit now and again so that all adults can go out to eat or to the cinema as a treat.

Tell your mother that you miss her if she needs to change her plans. Arrange to spend time with your parents. You also have more time now so be flexible, generous and eager to delight in family spending time with small children..

Embrace the freedom this gives you and focus on your own life for yourself x

Have you ever thought that 20 years ago your Brother used to think it would be nice if his parents gave him the same attention that you had then or that he was the same "level" of relation?

2

That’s generally how I get round it, is by arranging to be there too. It was would be nice for them to see
me separately occasionally. We just have a very different relationship than we’ve had before, but maybe I just need to accept that

You come across as sounding quite spoilt. Used to getting all your parents attention And now resentful that you aren't first choice. I think you need to take a step back.

Threaten to go no contact if they dont start prioritising you over your brother and his young family.

or perhaps, maybe grow up a bit.

So you’re the golden child, when you had young dc all the focus was was on you and them?
do you think your parents are maybe feeling guilty of treating you both differently and are trying to make up for it? And you as self confirmed “golden child” are struggling not to be no1?