Parents - no longer interested

[namechanger1980]

Hi,

I had my children fairly young and for almost 20 years, they were the only grandchildren. My sibling had his children much later in life.

He’s now had two children, absolutely gorgeous and I love to spoil them, but it feels like my parents have forgotten the rest of us exist. They only see us tagged onto a visit to see my sibling, and we’ll get a very limited visit, so for example parents will arrange to stay for the weekend with my sibling and his family, and will drop in for a cup of tea on the way home with us.

We’re regularly side lined, they’ll change plans to make it work that they can see my sibling and his children, without a second thought about how that might feel to me.

Now, I am obviously aware, we had pretty much their undivided attention for a very long time, but it stings that we’re now so irrelevant. I feel like they need to share time more evenly, although I do appreciate my sibling now needs “help” and we don’t as ours are fully grown, and realise they will maybe spend more time with them to help.

I find it really hard to confront anything, I don’t want to fall out with them, but I’m finding it really hard how they can’t see the issue. It just all feels so hurtful.

Am I being ridiculous? Would you say anything?

We suggest things all the time, it’s nearly always greeted with “we’ll need to check we aren’t needed at db first” or gets cancelled when they do ask them to come.

The relationship where we would arrange to do something and it wouldn’t be cancelled.

And that they do it with no sorry, no thought, I’m just told this is what’s happening.

This is where it becomes very unfair. I can understand that they want to see their grandchildren. Heck, maybe they miss reading the Gruffalo to yours and want to recreate it. I can also understand - if not entirely sympathise with - their wanting to have a relationship with their son that he hasn't allowed them to have before and being afraid to do anything which might jeopardise that.

So if this was just about them spending a lot more time with DB and not as much with you I could say that was perfectly reasonable. But cancelling on you if DB calls, never committing to anything in case DB calls - that crosses a line. That puts you very firmly in your place. And it's not about how much time you had from them vs DB, it was HIS choice to be disengaged from them. He didn't miss out because they spent time with you and your DCs because he didn't want it.

And you're right, they're taking you for granted. You did things for them while DB was always off doing his own thing, and they've made it clear that they expect you to do the caring when they're older. But right now they're happy to at best treat you as an afterthought, at worst ignore you.

I don't think you can win this one, they wouldn't listen. So you have to change how you think about it. Easier said than done, but try to put this lower down the list of things you give headspace to. If they turn up for a cuppa, great. But accept that for what it is, when they've gone shrug your shoulders, think 'that's it then' and get on with the day. If you go to DB's set it in your mind that you're going to see the DCs not your parents.

But if they cancel regularly I'd stop trying to make arrangements if you're just setting yourself up for disappointment. Because even if you think you have a day and time to get together, there's always going to be that thought in your mind that it might not happen if they get a better offer.

Your parents are focusing on their grandchildren. You really need to get over yourself.

i assume they were decent parents to you when you were growing up and they were good grandparents to your kids when they were small, now they’re being good grandparents to their other grandchildren while they’re small.

if you want to spend time with your parents then make arrangements to see them.

life changes and families change with each new person who joins (either by marriage or birth) you have to learn to adapt.

the more I read your posts, you sound jealous of children…

Do you think your sibling felt like that when you were getting by all the attention?

Don't be ridiculous. If you want to talk about your family, do so. But that ridiculous generalisation of everyone else of their generation, is horribly ageist, and inaccurate.

ETA sorry, I just quoted the wrong person. I was responding to the person that THEY quoted!

Next time they cancel because they got a better offer from him, be honest.

"Mum, this keeps happening. We arrange something and then you dump us for (brother). I know that the grandkids are a bigger draw than us, but it still hurts. We look forward to seeing you, but if you have the opportunity to visit them, you drop us."

I bet your brother has felt like the 'lesser' one for about 20 years while your parents focused their attentions on the grandchildren via you.

Sounds a bit like you were the golden child for a long time and now the shoe is on the other foot.... You don't like it

Personally I think they're being unfair and unkind and I can see why you're upset

Wasn't he travelling anyway? So not around all the time?

They are giving the same attention to your brothers kids, as they did with you.

You have no idea, but thanks for that insight

Am I reading this right? Your parents "are vocal" about what sounds like their expectation that you will be the one providing care for them as they age?

And - "It just all feels a bit shit, for years I was the daughter who cared and ran around doing things for them whilst my brother travelled etc, and now it just feels like they’re not interested, and couldn’t care how it feels to me."

I think you have to address this aspect of the relationship, before the resentment builds to the extent that you no longer "want to help" at all.

I think you need to respond to them, next time they "are vocal" about you being "in a better position" to take care of them in their later years. I might say something such as 'You're assuming we're even going to be in touch then! I barely see you these days, surely you don't want a near-stranger looking after you?' Plant the seed that they need to care for the person they expect to care for them. If they pull the 'you're our daughter, hardly a stranger' line, well that gives you another bite. 'I didn't used to be a stranger, but I feel like one now. I got the impression you'd prefer <brother> to be taking care of you.'

The purpose of such a conversation should be to lead them to the realisation that they are currently making a bed that they won't want to lie on.

Use your words.

I think I painted them in a bad light with that, I’m very family orientated (hence why I’m upset), I want to be the one to support them and we’ve discussed eventually moving closer so that it’s easier to do that. They’re definitely not demanding I do it, but as it’s something that’s been spoken about for a while they now talk like that is the plan.

It’s a good idea to use that as a platform for conversation though

I bet your brother has felt like the 'lesser' one for about 20 years while your parents focused their attentions on the grandchildren via you.
Sounds a bit like you were the golden child for a long time and now the shoe is on the other foot.... You don't like it

The OP has made it very clear that while their parents were involved with her the brother was travelling and doing his own thing and didn't want to be involved with family. To the point the parents were upset that he didn't want much to do with them. They tried, he didn't respond.

A more accurate comparison would be did they ever cancel an arrangement with DB to favour OP? Did they ever tell him that they couldn't make arrangements with him in case OP needed them? And from what the OP's said I rather feel that the answer to both those questions is no.

I’m in the reverse situation. Sibling had kids young and my parents helped out quite a lot and did things with them during their childhood and into teen years. Fair enough. They are now adults. My DD is just reaching teen years and my parents have had very little do with her bar the occasional visit and annnua obligatory birthday/xmas gift. No babysitting in the last 8 years or more, no days out with her, or spending any time alone. They don’t ask after her, never did a school run, the list goes on. I’m also last on their list of priorities. Haven’t even seen them so far in 2026, had a big zero birthday not long ago and just had a card in the post but no call or present or offer to do anything to mark the occasion.

Not sure what the answer is. I just get on with my life and hope I don’t turn out the same way.

Let them enjoy time with the kids.
Yours are grown up now its down to them if they want to visit nan.

You have free time now op go use it.

Cheeky of me too quote myself @namechanger1980 , but given what you've just said about your costumes and plans for the future, I really do think that having that conversation would be positive. I reckon your parents are just being thoughtless rather than anything else, so I'd have thought that they'd be upset to find that they were hurting you.

But they’re coming to see the grandchildren mainly surely, not your brother!

Your children had the attention, and now they’re adult. Your parents are now, quite rightly, focusing on your DBs kids.

Its not a competition.

I don’t want it to be a competition. It doesn’t need to be one! I’m not expecting them to forgo the tiny bit of time they have with DB’s family to spend time with me or mine, I’m talking about long visits with an hour long tea with me at the end - multiple overnights. I don’t think it’s that unreasonable to ask that after 3-4 days visiting them, that they spend a bit more than an hour with me. Or that they cancel me because they’ve been invited there.

Hi OP. I'm leaving this now. I really dont understand you.

After 3-4 overnights with young babies or children, the fact they find the energy to call into you for 'a cup of tea' is amazing on them. They probably just want to slob and sleep!

Have you fed them on their homeward journey so they can just get home and rest? Instead of a nouritioning cup of tea. So they leave you, need to get home, sort something to eat, cook it etc

There are lots of ways you can enjoy your parents' company, and let them enjoy their relationship with your brother snd his family.

I've prepared a meal for my parents when either they've been out or visiting friends or a relative and either delivered as they got.hime home, or left in oven so they only need to cook the prepared veg which is in saucepans ready to go as they unpack bags and load washing machine.

Thank you
@Deerinflashlights

Yes it makes me angry, and sad and bewildered the way some families treat their children.

Do you know tbe Philip Larkin poem This be the verse? The one that starts They fuck you up your Mum and Dad. .
That's what my parents did to me and sadly thats the truth for a lot of people