Can we give up one of our children?

[pinkstargaze]

I don’t know where else to turn, this is about my 8 year old.
We have 3 Children the eldest and youngest are lovely but the middle child is making life so hard with her violence towards us.

She comes home from school and shouts and screams and hits me and her siblings, she calls me names, swears at me and won’t listen to a word I say just says shut up and covers her ears if I speak to her.
Her siblings are frightened of her, I’m frightened of her I know as soon as I say anything I will be hurt, she hits me in the back and it takes my breath away, she kicks me and tells me to kill myself, slams doors throws things, screams at the top of her voice by which time the other children are crying and I just can’t do this anymore.

I don’t want this for my other children who are so well behaved, we don’t swear or raise voices, we are just a nice family who all get along and respect each other apart from her, she makes everyone miserable, destroys our home and everyone’s belongings.
It is embarrassing, friends won’t have her around their children and even our own family don’t want her near her cousins because it always ends in tears.
I don’t want to live in a home where I’m scared to tell my child off because she’ll hit me, I don’t want to share my home with someone who laughs and points at me with delight when anything goes wrong, or revels in her siblings misfortune and I don’t want to be called names and be sworn at in my own home or have my things ruined by someone who doesn’t care about me or my things.
I don’t want this to be my life and I definitely don’t want it for her siblings.
I feel strongly that for sake of the family’s safety she needs to go into care but I don’t want to lose all my children.
Is it even a thing to put one child into foster care and not the others?

She is waiting to be assessed but the waiting time is long, the school doesn’t see this as she’s masking all day until she gets home but it’s every day.
I have a lovely family, a lovely husband and we have 2 other children who are lovely but she is making our lives hell and our home uncomfortable and I know I just don’t have what it takes to live with her, I am burnt out and feel so guilty to the other children.
Dh does his best when he’s home but we are all so worn down and miserable, we just can’t carry on like this.
It has broken us both and the others are suffering. I genuinely can’t do this but I so love being a mum to the others who I carry on for.

And what have you done to try to get to the bottom of why she is like this? To help her?

Sounds really tough. I dont know the practicalities but I would hope if you suggest this to relevant authorities they may at least escalate any assesment/support.

No of course you can't. Have you pursued right to choose? Sought support from early help? She's your child and your responsibility and you can't just put her in care.

You might get a more sympathetic response on the SEN board
What you have written sounds incredibly tough x

Contact social services and explain what you said here and that for the safety of the family you would like for her to go into care. They won’t take her, it may give them the kick they need to prioritise her to get help to support the family though this.

She sounds like she is neurodivergent at the very least and hasn't had the right support. I had to fight every step of the way to get my son with ASD and DCD a diagnosis and support, where are you at with it all? What avenues have you explored? It sounds utterly horrific but no i wouldn't be considering giving my child up. Even without a diagnosis there could be ways to get support even if you have to pay for it and go without in other areas. What have you tried so far? Psychologist? Therapy?

Presumably, the OP has taken steps to address this since her daughter is waiting for an assessment.

((HUG))

You must be at the end of your tether to be considering this & I don't blame you.

people who have never met kids like this will not understand.

if I were you I'd ask MN to move this out of chat to the SEN board.

Do you want to tell us who you have approached for help & maybe someone can suggest another avenue?!

have you spoken to the school? They don't see if, but they'll be familiar with masking & may have some contacts to start getting some help for you all xx

Yes but I wondered what measures they are trying in the meantime - since the waiting list is so long unfortunately.

We have tried but the school don’t see any of this and I don’t think anyone believes it’s as bad as it is because it’s only at home, she’s on her best behaviour at school so there’s no evidence of this behaviour.

Sorry to hear this OP. I have a violent child and can relate. I agree with PP that you might get more useful advice on the SEN board. There are some fairly entrenched views on MN about poor parenting causing this type of behaviour, so when you have two “typical” children and one challenging one, raised identically, it tends to boggle their brains.

You can of course give up your child and it’s something I have also considered. A SEN barrister once said that only parents willing to carry out a threat to leave their child on the town hall steps actually got any meaningful support from the LA.

I would film the behaviour. Before she gets home, set up a phone/camera in advance in the room you'll be in so she doesn't know it's there. Even five minutes of this behaviour on film would be useful.

Approach social services to request they provide help whilst you wait for assessment, and say you are desperate enough to be considering giving up your own child. Also ask if the assessment can be prioritised as other children are in physical danger (video evidence). Photographs of injuries etc?

We opted for right to choose but there is still a long wait. I know she is our daughter but living this for 8 years is destroying our MH and I don’t think I have the strength emotionally or physically.

Hi @pinkstargazeI’m a mum to a 7 year DS with AudHD who is prone to lashing out when dysregulated, hits, kicks, punches, throws things, so I understand how difficult it can be.

Firstly, you need to admit to all relevant parties how much you are struggling, request a social worker to be allocated to your daughter, this may lead to an offer of services, maybe respite care.
If your daughter is lashing out after school, her needs are not being met in school, and she is holding all her feelings in until she gets home, to her safe place where she explodes. Is she better during the school holidays?

If your daughter is ND which it sounds very likely, she likely will not respond to your parent in the way your other children do. You will need to parent her in a slightly different way. With my child he will fight against what he sees as someone trying to control him, he must have choices, you must talk in a calm tone. Even him sensing annoyance in my tone amis enough to set him off.

Feel free to pop me a message

Can you set up some cameras and film the behaviour so you can get some help?
It sounds so hard x

Social services have no influence over neurodiversity assessments. They also don't have any particular help available for parents of ND children. Early help is the better option for support than childrens social work services.

Is this your opinion or the law, IYSWIM? If a child is terrorising their family, are the parents able to put that child into care?

Waiting for an assessment isn't enough though is it?

What do you do when she tries to hit you? What are consequences?

Early help from who??? If we had not gone private 12 years ago we would still be waiting for an assessment…

Sounds strange, can you video her?

What about contacting social services and telling them you can't cope and asking for their help.

No you can't give her up. For one thing you'd beat yourself up forever.
I agree you need more intervention and support. The camera idea is a good one because you'd then have evidence to take to various agencies.
I hope you'll find a workable solution.

Unfortunately this is the risk you take when you have children. They aren’t all lovely & perfect. They can make your life hell. I really feel for you but you can’t just give her up. That will really destroy her. Could you try a private child psychologist for help specific to your child & family?

This sounds so bloody hard and I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Do you have any family members who would possibly have her stay over for a couple of nights to give you and your other children a break? It's completely crap how long waiting lists for assessment are. I know because my 3.5 year old is waiting for assessment. I really hope someone can give you ideas for support that you haven't tried yet.