Would you date a bisexual man?

[Seymorbutts]

Just that really. A man who you believed to be genuinely bisexual, not a gay man on his way out of the closet. Someone who’d had long-term relationships with both men and women and who you’ve never known to sleep around with either men or women. If not, why would it bother you?

I’m going to be shot down in flames for this, but l wish people would stop linking bi people, lesbians and gay men with trans people. That is akin to comparing a coastal village with a big city.

There was no comparison made. The poster that this poster responded to said they wouldn't date such and such man, such and such man and anyone Trans.

That's not a comparison, that's a list.

I don't see what the problem is with listing trans people along with bisexuals, cat haters or any other type of person that someone doesn't want to have sex with.

I presume they have been generally linked as in LBQT because many trans people are simply homosexual but don't want to admit it and pretend to themselves that they are actually the opposite sex( which of course they are not).

They’re not linking it. It’s being talked about along with other things.

Most mumsnetters know that trans women are men though, so it’s awful when anyone is told they must consider them as women for dating purposes if they don’t consider them to be women.

You can’t compare what someone is naturally attracted to, to what someone refuses to accept in someone else’s life. The first you don’t have any control over, the second you do. Of course people can choose to narrow their options down to no kids, no pets, must hate football, must love cats, must never wear a fluffy dressing gown etc but, if you’re a woman in your late 30s/early 40s with a bunch of kids yourself, you’re going to be severely limiting your options. And that’s not me saying a woman should settle - settling in my mind, is staying with someone you know you’re not really in love with. If you actually want a partner, you need to grow up and learn to compromise. I’m a single parent and have been for years. I would like a partner but I just never find anyone I fancy. It’s annoying but there’s nothing I can do about it. I’ll go on dates with anyone I think is physically attractive that I know I get along well with initially. I don’t care what their circumstances & baggage is, because that doesn’t define who they are. If I find someone who I truly want to be with, I’ll make it work (as long as that isn’t at the expense of my kids of course).

If you actually want a partner, you need to grow up and learn to compromise.

This does sound like 'settling' though, to me. I'm currently happily married, but if my DH died and I ever wanted to date again (unlikely), I wouldn't want a partner I don't mesh incredibly well with. There are minor things a person can compromise on, but if you compromise too much then that's literally just settling.

I could be madly attracted to a man, but if he despises cats, or has ever used prostitutes, or isn't a present, attentive father to any children he has..then my attraction would die a doomed death, I'm afraid.

People's baggage does define them, because people are the sum of their experiences.

Somehow missed this thread til now but I see it's full of the usual biphobia.

To be clear, "biphobia" doesn't refer to anyone's individual dating preferences, but to how they're expressed - the vocal disgust, repulsion and insinuations that it makes men less manly.

We all have preferences and that's OK. I'm not attracted to overweight men or ginger men. I even have a racial preference in terms of pure sexual attraction. I keep all those to myself, I certainly don't frame any of them in terms of disgust, and I choose my partners accordingly.

Biphobia also refers to the scenario in which discovering your partner's bisexuality would be enough to undo many years of loving them and being in a relationship with them. The idea that it's so disgusting that it overrides everything you love about them as a person. And it's illogical, because bisexuality is not something that's evident in either someone's appearance or their behaviour towards you.

In many cases the biphobia isn't even about bisexuality but bicuriosity and the idea that a straight man might have experimented with another man in the past (much more commonplace than you think it is).

Personally I'm happy to date bisexual men, am attracted to the idea of two men together, and in my experience have found that the kind of man who's secure in either his bisexuality or his openness to experimentation is also the kind of man who's free from a lot of bullshit hang-ups about masculinity. Win-win.

I agree with you.

If you are attracted to idea of 2 men being together that's fine by me. I'm not attracted to the idea at all. Is that OK? Could I decide, if I were ever to date again, that as it doesn't, that I would exclude bisexual men?
There are lots of sexual activities that either completely repel me, or just don't interest me, therefore I would avoid men who made it plain that they did.
It's not phobic, it's accepting that the relationship would either make me unhappy or cause issues.

Very well put

Full of biphobia?? While there have been some 'ew' responses, I feel like they've been the minority?

I know some comments not in favour of dating bi men have been heated, but in fairness, some commenters are saying that to refuse to date bisexual men is prejudiced and bigoted no matter what your reasoning.

Either way, I genuinely think that most people on this thread who wouldn't date a bi man are coming at it from a personal sexual preference 'that turns me off' angle, not an 'ew, all bisexual men are just generally gross' angle.

Very well put by you two, who seem to be in agreement.
For everyone else who has voiced an opposing opinion, it wouldn't work.

Oh the joy of having free will to choose.

I did say earlier on, that I don't care what people do in their romantic/ sex lives providing it's between consenting adults. Because it's not my business.
I would just expect others to afford me the same, and allow me to make choices based on my preferences.

Quoted wrong post.

And it's illogical, because bisexuality is not something that's evident in either someone's appearance or their behaviour towards you.

My mind is boggled by this idea (and you’re not the first in this thread to expound it) that attraction cannot be related to people’s minds as well as their bodies and actions. Wild.

I was answering this...

"My mind is boggled by this idea (and you’re not the first in this thread to expound it) that attraction cannot be related to people’s minds as well as their bodies and actions. Wild."

100%, the most powerful sexual organ we have is the brain, which also controls feelings.
If my feelings are, I don't want a mans penis inside me that enjoys being up another mans anus, that is reason enough to not be attracted to a bisexual man.

I feel absolutely no "ewww" at all about men having sex with men. Homoerotica can be erotic. I should bloody know, most of my friends were gay for many years (lived in Brighton!).

But the thought of having sex with a MSM does make me feel "ewww" and I have no explanation for this. It's not rooted in homophobia and I don't think I should apologise for it, any more than a gay man should feel bad about not being attracted to bi men.

Of course I understand that people can be attracted because of someone's values, personality, morals, intelligence etc. What does bisexuality have to do with any of that? It's a value-neutral trait.

This kind of lurid language is exactly what biphobia is. You've reduced sexuality down to its most base, biological description because you want to make it very clear to us that you find it disgusting.

I don’t follow your logic. Why does a trait have to be “value-neutral” to be part of attraction?

And in any case, personality, intelligence and many other aspects of a persons mind can be “value-neutral”. Some people might prefer extroverts, some introverts. There’s no “value” difference there. (As an aside are you suggesting higher intelligence is higher value than lower intelligence? If so, I strongly disagree with you.)

Why are you the arbiter of which traits we are allowed to consider important parts of who we find attractive?

It's rooted in your social conditioning that gay men are less masculine than straight men - not real men, in fact. It's not that hard to work out.

No one should apologise for what they're attracted to but being curious about it is usually worthwhile, I've found. Helps with self-knowledge and helps to be aware of social conditioning.

I've never met a gay man who is not attracted to bisexual men, or indeed a straight man who is not attracted to bisexual women. And while I'm aware that the concept of gold star lesbians exists, I've never heard a lesbian talk in disgusted terms about other lesbians who have previously slept with men, or bisexual women.

I'm not trying to make myself the arbiter of anything and I'm not sure why you think I am. I'm simply asking questions about a line of thinking that I don't personally understand.

Are you saying that if you discovered your husband had an experimental fumble with another man back in university, you'd instantly lose all attraction to him? That's what I can't really comprehend.

@gannett i don't understand why some people enjoy BDSM, or role playing, or have open marriages, or anal sex. I don't tell other people that they can't do any of that, providing both, (all) parties agree and are adults. It seems that some cannot accept that, for some of us, we just do not want a bisexual partner. I don't dislike gay men, or bisexual men. I just don't want a sexual relationship with them. In the same way I don't fancy blond men. It feels very much like the conversations I had with boyfriends when I was young, not wanting to have sex with them often brought the response ' are you frigid?'. As though only a frigid woman could be immune to their charms! I wasn't going to have sex with them to disprove that theory then. And I'm not going to do likewise in respect of the question here.

Before you date a straight man, would you check in advance whether his penis has ever enjoyed, or could ever enjoy, being up a woman's anus'?

Because right now it very much sounds like your issue is that you just think sex between men is disgusting.

If it's just the notion that men might like anuses (ani?) that's the dealbreaker, that's fine (although any man who says he could never enjoy that with anyone is almost certainly lying to you, so good luck with that). But it would certainly appear that your argument is just that men are simply disgusting if they're attracted to the same sex.

And you do know that being bisexual doesn't necessarily mean a man has ever had anal sex with another man, or even wants to? There are plenty of other things men do in bed, you know. Plenty of gay men rarely, or even never, have anal sex. Why fixate on one sex act like that? It's weird to obsess about it.