DD14 hatred of PE is causing problems - what should I do?

[teaandtoastwouldbenice]

I know it’s fairly common and I certainly didn’t enjoy PE - but it didn’t really cause that much of an issue. Hoping other parents with similar age DC can advise.

DD14 year 9 was a sporty child, in all the school clubs, competitions and a girls football team.
Now she is obsessed with worry around PE, she begs for a day off each week (I don’t let her stay home) she’s tearful even thinking about it in the lead up to Thursdays lessons. She doesn’t want to get out of bed on Thursdays, sullen and unhappy - basically it’s becoming far too big an issue.

Main problem seems to be the communal changing, her hair getting messed up and her getting sweaty - all minor fixable issues I realise but it’s not minor to her. She doesn’t like it that it’s boys and girls, says the other girls hate sport so don’t join in, so it’s 2 hours of boredom and feeling depressed about how she used to be good at sport and now isn’t (she’s fine and does outside sports clubs)

Otherwise DD has been a really good student, excelling academically, great behaviour in school, good group of friends.

This has gone on for months and I don't know how to tackle it. It’s becoming a real barrier to school on the whole and her feelings about going in. She’s miserable when she comes home and ‘hates’ school - despite doing well.

I’ve spoken to staff twice. They are not seeing a issue as DD is well behaved, joins in etc

They put me in goal until they realised that my strategy was always to get out of the way of the ball. Then they shouted at me 😩Then they realised it was better for everyone if they just put me in defence and let me skulk at the side out fo the way.

DDs school rotates sports for the first 3 years, then for years 10 and 11 you can pick either team or single sports. Single sports are thinks like gymnastics and dance. She joins in with the team sports for now, but is looking forward to streaming into the 'single' sports side.

I left school in 2013 and can vividly remember from starting secondary, I refused to do pe. I forged my mum's signature in my planner, I would "forget my kit" and refuse to borrow, was on my period weekly too 😆. I was an absolute nightmare, for no reason. By year 9 I just would skip the lesson entirely and me and my friend would go sit at the bottom of the field hiding in a bush. 😂 I was a black belt and did karate 3x a week plus dancing during this time too. No advice for the op just sympathy.

Were you me? Your post made me laugh. I hated PE at school as I had to take my glasses off so I couldn't see the ball. I eventually leaned on the head of music to schedule my clarinet lesson in the middle of triple PE so I could stroll down slowly, stroll back to school without doing any thing and then head to the library afterwards on the grounds that my lesson "overran".

Before that the class agreed that the sporty girls would take one end of the lacrosse pitch and the unsporty girls the other so that we could stand around and chat whilst they got to run around.

Our star skiving moment was when we decided to get in to cross country and ran round the corner to my friends house where her mum gave us tea and biscuits and then we'd run back at the end of the session.

Team sports at school are hell. If you are not that competitive its hell. Changing with a load of other judgy girls is grim. I hated it, my DD's hated it. DD2 was bullied for being "fat". She just happened to have a more developed body than the rest of the tall thin cohort. She used to bunk off, and I don't blame her.

She now competes at national level in a niche sport, and is super light, fit and strong. Still not the tall thin aesthetic, but suited to her sport.

Schools need to do better.

Probably not an issue but worth checking in my opinion.

If not an issue, then I don't the hatred of PE is helped by others being excused from taking part.

A range of sport helps I think.

Practical solution to long hair , French plait, it's what my friend's daughter in yr 9 does. Solution for teacher, mix up the groups. That's really not difficult and has also been done at our school to diffuse a mean girl group situation.

Email head of year and PE teachers. It should be dealt with.

I used to bribe whoever sorted the hockey teams to put me in goal. By the time I'd put on those awful leg pads, the lesson was half over. Then I realised I could bunk off and no-one would notice.

I hated PE as a kid. I found the changing rooms stressful as I was little, scrawny, pale, no boobs etc and then getting changed afterward stressful because they never left us much time and I was worried about being late to lessons.

Unfortunately that’s just life and I remember my mum saying that I just had to suck it up and get on with it and it won’t last forever. Sometimes kids have got to accept there’s things they don’t much like doing and they can’t hide from everything they find hard or stressful.

If they are doing mixed sex, that is completely unacceptable.

I feel like I’ve taken the suck it up approach for ages now, she doesn’t get anywhere with crying for a day off or asking for a note/dentist appointment etc

But it’s not helping! She’s a good kid, resilient with so many things, so it’s painful to watch her so unhappy and it makes me cross that her whole school experience is being impacted.

She’s outgoing in lots of days, she’s doing a Duke of Edinburgh overnight hike, she’s going to Asia trekking through a jungle! - so she’s not precious about looks day to day, just something is going on with PE that is breaking her.

Love that so many of you are recalling how you bunked off.
I did exactly that but she wouldn’t dream of doing so, they get detentions and she wouldn’t know what to do or where to go! School has changed.

I’ll never forget at aged around 13 and getting changed after PE, someone undid my bra from the back. I was mortified. This led to a long time of me dreading PE and only wearing bras that did up at the front. I think there has been an incident in the changing room, possibly something really trivial to us but to a teen it’s massive.

That'll bit it. Only possible explanation for a 14 year old girl feeling uncomfortable. Well spotted.

It seems that she doesn't hate sports (like I did) but the whole thing around changing, getting sweaty and particularly being self conscious round the other girls and boys as well. School should definitely be separating the sexes for PE by this age. Are any of the others making fun of her?

I agree with the PP suggesting french braids - pretty well all the team GB women with long hair sported them in Paris and there'll be loads in evidence at the Marathon later this spring.

If she feels really sweaty then bedbath wipes would be worth considering - I have been known to use them when I have to go from a long run to dinner with no time to go home and shower plenty to choose from on Amazon https://www.amazon.co.uk/bed-bath-wipes/s?k=bed+bath+wipes plus a good deodorant in the morning and afterwards - triple dry is pretty bombproof.

As a PE phobic myself, my heart went out to your girl on reading this. Completely recognise the fear, tears etc. and she sounds like a lovely girl

BUT ..I still dont think you should withdraw her or let her bunk off. The thing is there isn’t actually anything wrong here ( that you know of). These are things that she has to learn coping mechanisms for. And there will be a little bit of teenage tunnel vision here ( e.g. nobody else sweats as much as me , etc)

I think the answer lies in an honest conversation with the right person how can support her whether thats a PE teacher , her form teacher etc. you, and your daughter . That way the school can see theres a student in distress and your daughter can see you want to help but not doing PE isn’t the answer. If she says she doesnt want to do that, then ask her what other solutions she wants to explore with you because, again , not doing PE isn’t the answer.

It is - obviously - a possible explanation. That’s all anyone else is doing - suggesting possible explanations.
Appallingly, this school does mixed sex sports anyway, so it doesn’t matter anyway.

I worked cover in school fir 20 years so did my fair share of people covers and my dd went through the same school. There's 2 separate issues-first is the age old "i hate pe" which comes from girls and boys. This combined with.peer pressure from the "too cool fir pe" girls who hate taking iff earrings, tying hir back, and looking less than insta worthy puts quite a few girls iff. Then there's the mixed sex pe. Unless there's a rare mixed event (like is missing down, and the only free place is the gym, so we play a tournament of bench ball, then pe should at that age be segregated.

In all honesty, unless she wants to do PE for GCSE or anything (which I doubt, but it’s a shame as she sounds like she would enjoy if other girls got stuck in) I would speak to the school about withdrawing her from it. Really labour the affect it’s having on her mental health and attitude to school and say you’d rather her be allowed to go to the library and do her homework or other studies. It’s things like this that we should be able to tailor a little for our kids, adults have the right to choose their careers and what they do with their day, something affecting her this much should be allowed to be dropped.

Are totally sure she isn't being bullied?

My DD went from county Netball, XC and 1500m runner to not doing PE because of one girl bullying her was online too, which is how i found out.

We tried addressing it, got no where, changed schools, DD went back to sport and in her 20s, still a very keen runner.

Sorry for ll typos, I can't actually see what I am typing.

Well I suppose anything is a possible explanation in that case, you're right. She could be worried about the building collapsing while changing, she could be worried about being pooed on by a seagull while she's doing cross country or she could be panicking about a gust of wind blowing her clothes off into the distance. All valid thoughts I guess.

Not sure why mixed sex sport is appalling. Mixed sex changing would be appalling but if you want total sex segregation aren't you better off at a single sex school?

I had this OP and I withdrew her from PE. She went into an additional maths or English, dependant on whether it was week A or week B. The only negotiation school asked for was that it be towards the end on year 9 when it was clear she wouldn’t be picking sports science as an option. So we struggled on (basically refused) until Easter time and then she withdrew. Up until then she just had to suck up the punishment for not doing PE, which was usually a 20min lunch detention.