DD14 hatred of PE is causing problems - what should I do?

[teaandtoastwouldbenice]

I know it’s fairly common and I certainly didn’t enjoy PE - but it didn’t really cause that much of an issue. Hoping other parents with similar age DC can advise.

DD14 year 9 was a sporty child, in all the school clubs, competitions and a girls football team.
Now she is obsessed with worry around PE, she begs for a day off each week (I don’t let her stay home) she’s tearful even thinking about it in the lead up to Thursdays lessons. She doesn’t want to get out of bed on Thursdays, sullen and unhappy - basically it’s becoming far too big an issue.

Main problem seems to be the communal changing, her hair getting messed up and her getting sweaty - all minor fixable issues I realise but it’s not minor to her. She doesn’t like it that it’s boys and girls, says the other girls hate sport so don’t join in, so it’s 2 hours of boredom and feeling depressed about how she used to be good at sport and now isn’t (she’s fine and does outside sports clubs)

Otherwise DD has been a really good student, excelling academically, great behaviour in school, good group of friends.

This has gone on for months and I don't know how to tackle it. It’s becoming a real barrier to school on the whole and her feelings about going in. She’s miserable when she comes home and ‘hates’ school - despite doing well.

I’ve spoken to staff twice. They are not seeing a issue as DD is well behaved, joins in etc

That sounds hard for her and you. Assuming she’s already chosen her favourite hair ties deodorant sports underwear and bra etc to wear, maybe can she take extra food/snacks on that day or something ? For Some reason her confidence is low now yet she previously was having fun- something else may have changed her attitude towards PE ? Or she just feels vulnerable if hair is out of place and sweaty? Maybe some other parents will be along soon able to suggest something? How are her friends doing with the PE?

Thank you - she’s got all the stuff you mentioned, she’s very worried about being smelly, she does sweat more than others I think. Her hair is really long and I imagine she doesn’t get the time to faff around with it as she does at home.

Her friends ‘hate’ exercise and sport, they bunk off PE or get notes from their mums excusing them, if they do it, they see it as a social and chat and don’t join in - this is the bit DD really struggles with because she’d rather being doing the activity. Teachers suggested her asking to join other kids groups, suggesting she plays with the boys - but in reality, this isn’t going to happen, friendship groups are quite fixed and she wouldn’t dream of asking a group of boys to play.

Did something bad happen in the PE changing rooms? You say boys and girls play sport together….are they changing separately? You can’t be sure of that in today’s schools. Also, I’d say it’s very unfair for boys and girls to compete as obviously there is a physical difference which is why we have men’s and women’s sports.

It’s the influence of her friends that makes all the difference unfortunately. It’s a shame the teachers can’t mix up the groups a bit so she’s not stressed out always trying to fit in with her friends who are not keen on joining in activities

If course they're changing separately. They're 14!

Any trans girls in there?

I'd take this higher, actually.
The PE teacher needs to be more proactive, it's not good practice to allow children to choose their own groups all the time, there will always be people feeling left out or uncomfortable. And if all the rest of the girls in the class are being allowed to hang around and chat and not take part in the lesson, there is a serious problem that needs to be addressed by SLT.
As for the hygiene aspects that are worrying DD, presumably she could take spare underwear to change into as well as her PE kit, and either use wipes or ( less likely in a school, I know, ) find somewhere to wash. It's so difficult, showers are not the thing in schools anymore, but you can see why they were deemed necessary. But there are wetwipes and cooling sprays and anti-perspirants, and small packable microtowels.
I found DS's school paid more attention when I explained that I could not get him into school on PE days because he was so anxious, and so he would be staying at home unless they dealt with the issues. He was also a child who was well-behaved in school. Your DD's concerns sound minimal but they are impacting her mental health, and it is not good enough for the school to leave her to struggle.
You need to speak to someone at school with some authority, someone who can remind the PE teacher of best practice, and ask for a review in say, a months time. Maybe Head of Year or Deputy head rather than form teacher. And ask DD what she would like to happen in terms of the hygeine issues - what would make it work for her? Is there anything she thinks the school could do to help with this?

It’s a bit odd 14 year olds boys and girls together at PE. Do you know any other mums in the year group to discuss with?

Kids have hated PE for decades but yeah, let's make this another trans thread.

Wow that was a leap. Loads of girls hate PE. This is exactly the age that children - particularly girls - really start struggling with peer pressure and body issues.

I am sorry she’s struggling. My daughter is in a class with 20 boys and 6 girls and she hated PE for ages - until she got intensely angry and now she really loves beating the boys at any game. And she can. I unfortunately went in a different direction and just stopped doing physical activity altogether and now I am overweight and unfit to this day.

No advice really as I have no idea how to navigate it - my daughter is a dancer so just used her competitive nature to her benefit but that doesn’t work for everyone.

Tbh, I’d just let her bunk off it, as she’s going to sports she enjoys anyway.

Never going to change if she’s in that sort of girl friend group at school

14 year old should not be doing sport in mixed groups. I would excuse her until the school changes this ridiculous arrangement. I am sure a lot of other women with daughters at the school would agree

I hated PE at that age because I got really sweaty and red faced doing the smallest amount of exercise (still do 30 years later, no medical reason despite lots of investigation!) and it made me feel so different from everyone else when all I wanted to do was blend in.
Others would frequently comment, not necessarily in a mean/bullying way but being noticed was mortifying enough. I ended up skiving PE until I could drop it!
Not sure how to tackle it with her, I’d be tempted to give her a note tbh especially if she’s involved in regular sport outside school

Yep and unfortunately even mixing up the groups wouldn't help. Her friends - the people whose approval she wants - think sport is uncool. It's sad, both in a specific sense and in the general sense that girls are conditioned away from exercise and athleticism, but logic isn't going to undo that.

From the sound of it though, she isn't in any of the school's sport teams, if she's doing PE lessons alongside unsporty kids? I've always thought PE is one of the worst-taught subjects in schools, in that all the teaching and training is geared towards the kids on school teams and the others are left to their own devices.

Also, what sports are meant to be happening in these PE lessons? If she was a keen footballer she might not necessarily be a keen cross-country runner. The key to enjoying exercise at any age is to find one that suits your skillset and temperament. When I was at school the PE teacher couldn't believe how much more enthusiastic I was about tennis than hockey. It was as simple as enjoying one and hating the other.

Anyway, I would suggest that if there's a specific sport she does or did enjoy (football?), and for whatever reason she can't do it at the same level at school, try to find a club outside of school where she can play it. She'll hopefully end up playing with other kids who like it, away from the girls who think it's uncool, and that could reignite her passion for it.

Or a more long-term suggestion is merely to wait for the "sport is uncool" phase to pass. I was a tremendously unsporty girl at school, apart from tennis. Discovered exercise in my 20s and have never looked back. A few teenage years where she's gone off sport won't stop her rediscovering it in her own time.

If she is this upset over PE to the point that she isn't focusing on classes she has that day/missing school often then it may be better to withdraw her.

My parents pulled me out of PE and I'd spend that hour each week in the school library working on homework or reading instead. My PE teachers kept insisting I join in with everything when I had a spinal injury from a car accident and certain movements caused me severe pain. I was willing to join in on anything that didn't hurt but I was told I had to do everything or accept detention for disobedience.

Your daughter's pain may not be physical but it's no less distressing and it may not be worth such a massive impact on her other classes for a simple 40 mins a week exercise that she could do outside of school hours.

She hasn’t said anything has happened in the changing room but I think the pressure to look a certain way comes more from the girls.

Yes there is a trans child but no they haven’t assaulted her - female to male, unsure where they get changed.

I can’t see it changing with her group of friends either which is why I feel a bit hopeless. I wouldn’t mind her hating PE except it’s having an impact on her whole wellbeing.

Truthfully I’d happily let her never do it again but that isn’t an option and she can’t miss a day off school each week.

@DelphiniumBlueI think you’re right but I’m not sure what the answer is, if I knew exactly what was needed I would say. I feel like I’ve raised it and it’s been ignored. I would like someone in school to be talking to DD but I also know she would be mortified, say everything is fine and politely decline any suggestions.

Oh, and as for the sweat thing - as a runner, I think sweating is GREAT. Nothing better than a long summer run which ends with me absolutely pouring sweat. But PE at school is such a public display of it - in front of both the girls and boys you want to impress with how you look.

To be honest, I got into exercise because running was a solo endeavour and I could do it without seeing anyone I knew. It wasn't just the sweat, it was being embarrassed by how shit and unfit I was. Now, I'm good at it and embrace the sweat, and wouldn't mind bumping into anyone, but that mindset didn't happen overnight.

That's why it might be best for her to pursue whatever sport she enjoys outside of school.

Can I withdraw her from PE?? She’d be delighted but I’m sure it’s not that simple.

Oh and outside school sports is not a problem, she does sporty stuff she enjoys.

My worry is her extreme distress impacting her whole school experience, her sullenness at home and her feeling of ‘hating school’.

Nobody wants to get like that and then not be able to shower immediately afterwards though, do they?

Oh God, now I'm getting flashbacks to the hell that was group showers at school 😖

School PE seems designed to put people off sport for life. A lot is ritual humiliation. I was always the chubby one who was picked last for teams or put in goal because I couldn’t do all the running. I also always loved swimming but this was only an option in the summer. Now 40plus years later I swim three times a week and I’m fitter than I was as a teenager. Nobody ever has to pick me for a team and I have always avoided any exercise classes because they are too PE-like! Just an observation, not sure how to help.

What is the actual sport they are doing? Does it change every term so could this get better if she moves to a less sweaty set of activities in the summer? Or is it athletics in prep for much hated sports days?

I would go and see the games teacher and pastoral support. Co-opt some other parents if you can.
Realistically this is not going to chance unless the "cool girls" who hate "sport" somehow get on board. Realistically you just want them to continue to be active and in your case, happy to go to school.

My daughters couldn't be more opposite, one is in all the teams and the other loathes organised games. She's not alone. The school have set up alternatives to hockey and netball etc and they can choose from Year 10 to do yoga/dance/badminton/other which runs at the same time. The alternative stuff is co-ed and remarkably for a self conscious child, what sounds like zumba but to pretty current music is this terms hit.

Honestly I would probably withdraw her from PE if that was at all possible. She's getting exercise elsewhere and enjoying it. What is the point of making her do PE?

Important to remember that "PE lessons in school" are a completely different beast to "learning how to do a sport or exercise properly". As someone who came to sport as an adult, I think they're just about the worst way to teach kids sport, and almost certainly put more of them off exercise than introduce it to them. She's not the first and won't be the last to have all those anxieties around it. The way it's taught is not fit for purpose.

In my day we used to find very creative ways to either skive PE or not take it seriously. The amount of times I "forgot my kit" was implausible but the teachers couldn't do anything about it. On the rare occasion I remembered it, it turned out the best effort I could give at the 100m was a medium-paced walk. I took a book to rounders and when I was meant to be fielding, went as far away as possible and just sat and read it.

Can't quite believe I do 15km runs regularly now.

Also from year 10 onwards my DCs’ school offered other PE options which involved travelling outside the school but were not traditional sport - bowling, ice skating, golf. A chance for the non-sporty to have fun. Will that be on the horizon at all?

I can remember a lot of unpleasant aspects of school PE but I'd genuinely blocked out the changing rooms and group showers, they were so traumatic. Actually just physically shuddered.