MIL not wanting to bother SIL!

[Nonworkchat]

DH calls his mum several times a week and she often comes over for a meal. Step father is less mobile so rarely comes out, so I pack up meals for her to take home- otherwise, they'll eat frozen supermarket meals daily.

MIL will often call DH to look at the batteries in her remote, close a window, drop off some milk or take her to an appointment. She can and does drive! We are both happy to help within reason- BUT:

-We both work full time and although fairly flexible, we need to make up the time if off during work hours
-We live over an 1hrs round trip to hers
-We are also helping another family member who has no other support
-SIL, BIL and their 2 teen/adult children live with MIL in her house
-SIL works 15hrs a week

IF DH suggests the teen could replace the batteries in her remote or SIL could collect milk en-route back from work, the reply is 'Oh, I don't want to bother them!'. 'Oh, but SIL/BIL are working!' 😡

I've pointed out that DH and I also work, but that is apparently different because we WFH! Sorry for the rant, but does anyone else have someone that doesn't want to bother anyone else- except you?

Op fuck that shit they live there they are just as responsible for their parents as your dh. Sorry but I would be fuming and if I was your dh I would be ringing his sister and telling her that she needs to pull her weight at home. They are cheeky fuckers if your dh turns up does the job required surely his sister should be saying we can do that why did do it then when he says mum doesn’t want to bother you she should be saying it’s not a problem and mum please ask us if you need anything we are here to help and the chances are they only pay a set amount of money to live there your have every right to be annoyed Im pissed off for you. Talking about favourites sil must be the golden one.

Besides the point but I think you and your DH are really lovely/kind.

Wtf kind of batshit craziness have I just read. THEY LIVE IN THE SAME FUCKING HOUSE!! If she doesn't want to "bother them" then your DH should be messaging them and saying "Mum/Nan needs help with the remote, can you take a look please?"
WTA bloody fuck! If you lived down the road it would be a bit more acceptable but not a bloody 1 hour round trip!

I had a call from my MIL asking me to get petrol for her lawn mower. I arrived to see SIL there ans when I asked I was told that she doesn’t do jobs like that. I didn’t realise until that point that neither MIL or SIL had ever put fuel in their own cars!

Do you - or more importantly your DH - have a read on the relationships in that house?

Is his mum ok? I hope that the family she lives with are treating her well and not refusing to help with little things or making her feel like shit for asking.

When I WFH I had this problem all the time, people equate it to not working/being constantly available all the time . I then realised I had made a rod for my own back because I was making myself available, out of guilt. I worked on this and started saying sorry I'm very busy today with meetings/calls, I could do x early next week if that helps? As time went on they stopped asking as much.

The random chores thing is a bit annoying but, mil lives with sil and to be honest, there's often a sense that she cant ask sil for anything else because if that. Like SIL is already doing a lot by having mil with her. Which frankly, dh and I agree with.

You also haven't said if sil is your dh sister? That might impact things.

It may be just that she wants contact.

My MIL sends huge rambling messages about well I’m not sure WTF I have read sometimes . It’s not dementia she has always been like this even when she was younger, I have known her since she was early fifties. Issue is she doesn’t have enough going on in her life. I have retired now and miss the structure and social aspect of work so have made the effort to have structure in my week and see people.

So do less. Make it clear each time thst SIL should do this because she is there and doesn't work and don't do the things. Don't make her wait for them, just say no.

You have to drop the rope. Stuff will either get done or it won't but it might highlight what you've done.

My DGM was like this. My cousin was her favourite. He was working so hard (as was I), busy with his DC (as was I only he had a wife to help him with his children and I was a single parent) so he couldn't help.

You have to spell out your situation constantly until it becomes real. When she rings, wait until after work to respond. When she asks for help, unfortunately you can’t as you will be at work.

I suspect that given they live with her, she wants to spend all the time with SiL and she has had to push back to carve any independence and personal privacy/family time with her partner and DC.

Keep spelling it out. It’s hard to remember and understand what you can’t see.

Is it because she just wants her son?

My DM was a bit like this - when she was late 70s plus I. went for weekly sleepovers with her (she was 60 miles away) and would offer to take her shopping or various other things, but she almost invariably say, ‘ No, I’ll wait for John (my brother) to come.’ (He lived half an hour’s drive away.).

Ditto if dh came with me and offered to do whatever job needed doing - ‘No, John’ll do it when he comes.’
It wasn’t DBro’s fault, but he’d always been the Golden Boy. (Only boy out of 4 of us.)

This is on your husband, his mother and his siblings to sort out. Something is going seriously wrong in a household if other people in the house are unable to change the batteries in a remote.

Maybe it’s not at all about your time being less valuable. Maybe she just wants to see her son or to reach out and doesn’t know how else other than asking for help to do it. She sees her daughter all the time so doesn’t need to do this with her.
But that doesn’t make it any less annoying!

WTF? I’d be tempted to message back ‘we both work 37 hours a week, SiL works 15. Once SIL has spent 22 hours helping you this week, then by all means contact us.’

I think you’ve summed up the problem when you said you don’t visit often. She obviously wants to see more of her som so is possibly hoping that asking him to do so
something for her will get him to go round . Could you , both of you or your partner make time for a regular visit- and stick to it? That might help her not feel so needy

I would suggest that your DH should phone her less - it's sending the message that he has time available, and anyway, it's not like he needs to check on her as her daughter and family are living with her.

I think you’ve summed up the problem when you said you don’t visit often

Thank everyone- some very good points. Sorry this will sound like a drip feed, I was trying to keep the OP brief. We are NC with the SIL, hence rarely visit there and invite MIL's to ours or a restaurant instead. Its very complex dynamics! MIL will often say that SIL isn't speaking to her this week or they are having other issues. They live in the same house but its very large, and seem to live completely separate lives. Apparently not seeing each other for days on end!

That is indeed quite the drip feed and very relevant.

Sounds like there's a horrible environment in the house and your MIL's odd requests are really a cry for help.

This is on your husband to be firm and say “Mum you have people who live with you who are more than capable of doing that for you, we live an hour away, we can’t be expected to come and do that.”

She's treating you & DH how you've allowed her to treat you.

SIL has boundaries and so MIL treats her how she's been allowed to.

Choices OP.

Who owns the house?

I wonder what SIL’s take is. Maybe she has already opened and shut the window 5 times that week and has told her mum she needs to wait, so Mum texts your DH.

I sometimes refuse to do things for DM that she is perfectly able to do herself (eg phone the window cleaner or whatever) because she’s only asking cos it’s dull for her to do it and she’d prefer someone else did. Unless DM has dexterity issues, changing batteries in the remote would seem to fall into this category!

It doesn't sound like SIL has boundaries just that she's always fallen out with someone!

OP, every time you help your MIL make a big point of how incredible you and DH are. Really belittle anyone who doesn't help. You'll find the requests decrease

Maybe @Ally886

And maybe MIL is hard to live with, with an endless list of tasks. Asking to be driven to appointments when she can drive (and drive well enough to come over to OP’s house sometimes).

She’s using it as an excuse to see her son but an hour’s round trip? That’s incredibly selfish. DH needs to step back.