MIL not wanting to bother SIL!

[Nonworkchat]

DH calls his mum several times a week and she often comes over for a meal. Step father is less mobile so rarely comes out, so I pack up meals for her to take home- otherwise, they'll eat frozen supermarket meals daily.

MIL will often call DH to look at the batteries in her remote, close a window, drop off some milk or take her to an appointment. She can and does drive! We are both happy to help within reason- BUT:

-We both work full time and although fairly flexible, we need to make up the time if off during work hours
-We live over an 1hrs round trip to hers
-We are also helping another family member who has no other support
-SIL, BIL and their 2 teen/adult children live with MIL in her house
-SIL works 15hrs a week

IF DH suggests the teen could replace the batteries in her remote or SIL could collect milk en-route back from work, the reply is 'Oh, I don't want to bother them!'. 'Oh, but SIL/BIL are working!' 😡

I've pointed out that DH and I also work, but that is apparently different because we WFH! Sorry for the rant, but does anyone else have someone that doesn't want to bother anyone else- except you?

I would stop being so available.....let your mil ask someone else!!

Why on earth are you doing this? It’s madness! Just say no!

Wtf have i read? They live in the same house but you have to go over there to shut a window??

is your MiL scared of them?

Agree it's craziness. Why on earth are you enabling this nonsense. they live AN HOUR away. and they have sil living in the SAME HOUSE. This has to be the most ridiculous thing I've read on here.

It's happening because you're allowing it to happen.

Either put in boundaries or accept this is how your life will be.

This is one of the most ridiculous things I’ve read on here. Your DH is doing an hour long round trip to drop off milk and close a window when she has 4 adults/teens living in the house??

Say no, because this is insane

This, you’re not honestly going an hour round trip to shut a window?! Did mil open the window?

My MIL was like this. Drove me absolute batshit.
Stop doing it, you’re allowing it. Be less available.

Every time she requests something minor, message the ILs and point out that DM needs batteries/milk/a lift, and that you expect them to oblige. Especially as you live an hour away and they are IN THE SAME HOUSE.
Have they never expressed surprise as to the reason for your visit?
Sorry for the shorty capitals, but this can’t continue. 💐

Sorry, to clarify that NO- we don't go rushing around to drop off milk or close a window! She either get things sorted or has to wait until the next time we visit- which isn't often. Its more that our time is perceived as less important than those living with her that I can't stand.

Because they’ve set boundaries, reasonable or not. You need to do the same.

It could be that she’s already tried her luck with them and they’ve said absolutely no way - wait till they get home. So she calls your DH.

Insanity. I would be saying 'no, can't fit it in today, I'm sure SIL won't mind for the two minutes it'll take her' (including travel time...)

Who opens the windows that need shutting? Are they super heavy??

My mum & dad are like this with my sister. She’s the Golden Child. They won’t even text her as “oh, she’s so busy! So is BIL” I have to contact her to make any family arrangements… They’ll be like “oh, we think they’re coming on Sunday” But won’t ask!

This is very likely it.
Why can't she change the batteries in a remote control though? Is she really that helpless? Or has she developed a habit of getting people to run to do all these little things when she calls, and she likes the attention?

Wow, just no. Your dh needs to be much more clear- ‘it’s not bothering her to ask her to open a window in the house she lives in. You’re asking me to drive 2 hours so you don’t have to ask her to open a window. why are you treating me like my time doesn’t matter at all? It’s really upsetting. I’m going back to work now, ask x’

If they are working out of the home is it partly because she is bored and lonely and knows you are home …. And if you are working from home are you really working at all 😉

My DH’s Grandmother lives with her adult son (who is ill but still does some stuff) and her two able adult grandsons who live with her for free, in zone 2 London. Who takes her to appointments, food shopping, deals with emergencies etc.? None of them! Women of the family and their partners go to her aid. I do not get involved and thankfully we don’t live close enough to be expected to go.

If I say to MIL “Why doesn’t Bob do that?” She just says “exactly!” but when pressed won’t answer if anyone has actually asked Bob. There’s a lot of dancing around issues on DH’s side of the family. It’s infuriating!

You don’t say how old she is, but my experience with my elderly dm is that as she’s got older her ability to conceive of things outside of her own experience has reduced / vanished. My dm has no real concept of what it means that I have a full time job, because she doesn’t see it. She didn’t have a full time job when she worked. My brother works freelance and so arguably, depending on the day/ week may have more or less ‘outside of work’ time than me, but she’s used to the concept of men working full time and being out of the house 9-6, so in her mind, he’s busy ‘working’. The fact that he has a wife who doesn’t work, and one child to my two children and full time working husband, does not mean that she has figured that he is any less busy than me. Because that is not her experience, and she can’t see it. And, to be fair, probably because I haven’t spelled it out. I have started saying ‘oh it might be tricky for me to do that hospital appointment because I am working that day, but ask if db is working or not and we’ll figure out who can make it work’, and well, sometimes it works.

I’d bet your MIL sees your SIL and family rushing around ‘being busy’, but she can’t see her son and you being busy, ergo, you’re not. You need to just keep saying no and pushing back.

It might be time to invent a boss who calls you at random times to check you are at your desk, or claim your work has installed a keystroke logger which alerts boss if you are away longer than a lunch break

It may also be a way of trying to see her son more. Mums work in mysterious ways sometimes. It must be infuriating for you both and your husband will have to start saying No. If she was on her own, different story, but we all know this is completely bonkers. People will often do what you let them get away with.

As so often, the only behaviour you can change here is your own.

I'd lay it out to her that WFH doesn't mean the boss isn't able to see if you are on line and working, and that you are expected to be able to answer work calls and emails very quickly as well as doing at least as much as people in the office. Tell her bluntly that you aren't prepared to lose your job over running minor errands for her when there are others placed better to do it.

An ex of mine didn't seem to understand this until I fibbed a bit and told him I'd been pulled up by my boss for not responding to something urgent right away, and did he really want me to lose my job over him wanting to ask me something insignificant? (Note I said EX for a number of reasons including this).

If SIL only works 15 hours a week, she must be home at least some of the times your MIL needs a hand, surely?

Your H needs a reality check as does your MIL - get H to sort it once and for all.