Please be kind.
I'm in my late 20s and have always been shy. I have tried everything to fix it (medication, therapy, mindfulness). I've managed to find a career where I barely have any meetings and when we do have meetings, I will worry and over-prepare for them, but most of the time I'm ok.
Yesterday I had a meeting that was designed to be a social 'fun' meeting. There was an icebreaker question. I had been thinking up my answer for it for a week since the invite was sent. I prepared for this meeting as much as I could. I wrote my answer down in my notebook in front of me, I typed it out on my screen too in case I didn't want to look down at my notebook. I even asked ChatGPT whether my answer was ok. I was dreading the meeting all day. I went to the gym at lunch to try and burn off the anxious energy. I did everything I could think of to mentally prepare for this meeting that other colleagues wouldn't give a second thought. I get in the meeting and there's around 30 of us in the call. The colleague leading the meeting goes around in a random order and asks everyone their answer for the icebreaker one by one. I sit there for 20 minutes or so, waiting. Until I just find the anxiety of waiting for my turn unbearable and before I know it I've clicked the button to leave the meeting.
I'm really conscientious and would never do something like this. It was a 'fun' meeting but was also an important one that was compulsory to attend. I can cope ok in work meetings but when there's anything that's meant to be more casual/fun/relaxed I can't cope. I will even save annual leave up to use for situations like this if I get advanced notice of something like this coming up.
I just don't know what's wrong with me. I've spent so long thinking I must be neurodivergent or have a personality disorder to suffer so excessively from social anxiety. It must be more than just 'shyness'.
Does anyone have any advice?