Left a work meeting due to anxiety

[shyshyshyshy]

Please be kind.

I'm in my late 20s and have always been shy. I have tried everything to fix it (medication, therapy, mindfulness). I've managed to find a career where I barely have any meetings and when we do have meetings, I will worry and over-prepare for them, but most of the time I'm ok.

Yesterday I had a meeting that was designed to be a social 'fun' meeting. There was an icebreaker question. I had been thinking up my answer for it for a week since the invite was sent. I prepared for this meeting as much as I could. I wrote my answer down in my notebook in front of me, I typed it out on my screen too in case I didn't want to look down at my notebook. I even asked ChatGPT whether my answer was ok. I was dreading the meeting all day. I went to the gym at lunch to try and burn off the anxious energy. I did everything I could think of to mentally prepare for this meeting that other colleagues wouldn't give a second thought. I get in the meeting and there's around 30 of us in the call. The colleague leading the meeting goes around in a random order and asks everyone their answer for the icebreaker one by one. I sit there for 20 minutes or so, waiting. Until I just find the anxiety of waiting for my turn unbearable and before I know it I've clicked the button to leave the meeting.

I'm really conscientious and would never do something like this. It was a 'fun' meeting but was also an important one that was compulsory to attend. I can cope ok in work meetings but when there's anything that's meant to be more casual/fun/relaxed I can't cope. I will even save annual leave up to use for situations like this if I get advanced notice of something like this coming up.

I just don't know what's wrong with me. I've spent so long thinking I must be neurodivergent or have a personality disorder to suffer so excessively from social anxiety. It must be more than just 'shyness'.

Does anyone have any advice?

Good for you that you were able to identify that this activity was damaging for you so you left! That’s proper self care! Ice breakers are bloody shite especially when there’s the element of uncertainty too. The scenario you described would give most people hives even on a good day.

My husband has suffered with this really badly, kept having to fake poor internet connection. He bought a nurosym device and it’s completely cured it! Not cheap but worth researching. Good luck, it’s so tough

Ice breakers are shite and everyone hates but not to your level OP. Havd you sought any help for your anxiety. Is your manager approachable enough that you could speak to them about what happened? You can't go through your life avoiding meetings.

I actually thought I'd written this. I once had to get drunk at 8am in order to attend a meeting at an 'away' location and accidentally got in 1st class on the train.

The icebreaker was my biggest fear.

I'm actually a very sociable person.

I left my job last year after working 30 years and although I was okay towards the end of my working life, I wished I'd had the guts to just refuse to do it when I was young.

I'm afraid I have little advice except maybe CBT or a mild tranq if your doctor is on board- don't do what I did. Although I did get a free copy of The Times!

God you poor thing you must be exhausted.

Whilst I agree ice breakers are shite they shouldn't be this intolerable.
Have you spoken to your gp? Your anxiety is really interfering with your life so it would be great to see what could be done about it. Xx

Check if you have some kind of Employee assistance Program. I previously accessed CBT through mine and it was life changing.

OP that meeting sounds hellish. However based on the little bit of info this does sound a lot like social anxiety, for which CBT has been proven can be extremely helpful. You can yourself to your local nhs talking therapies services. Good luck

This sounds like social anxiety. I have it a bit as well and I absolutely cannot abide ice breakers . There is just something about it that makes me so uncomfortable. I hate public speaking as well. For me it has improved with age and experience and I became more confident in my 30s. The reality is that no one gives a shit about your icebreaker answer and some others at the meeting are probably anxious about their own not just you. You could try therapy again.

Have you spoken to your manager about this? There is more awareness of differences like this,and I wonder if your manager could skip the icebreaker for you, or call you to do it first so you don't spend time getting more anxious. It's not good practice to force everyone to speak up in meetings when there's other ways to collaborate and share e.g putting your "fun fact" (urgh) in the Teams meeting chat.

Over 20 minutes for an ice breaker, WT actual F! I'd have probably clicked off to at the immense waste of time.

That aside, I agree you should speak to your EAP if you have one. Everyone hates ice breakers, but you need to learn to get through them. Could you take control by volunteering (perhaps jointly with a more outgoing colleague) to do the next one? Takes away the uncertainty and your bit is really only quite small on meeting day.

From the manager's perspective @shyshyshyshy just tell me. I'd arrange for you to join after the ice-breakers, or not, because I'm dry and no nonsense and I never do them. You do need to tell your manager though - write it down if you can't say it but not in an email.

And get yiurself some CBT, therapy or what it takes.

Good luck.

Bless you - this is me only I’m 20 years older, you are not alone. There is this perception that loud and confident is good and shy is bad, but that’s not the case - it takes all types. Ice breakers are designed by confident wankers who have no idea that they aren’t making people more comfortable! Have you tried propanolol? It doesn’t cure my nerves by any stretch, but it does reduce your heart rate. I agree I’d tell your manager - as long as you are a hard worker and do well in other aspects of your role I’m sure they will be fine. Good luck and don’t let the loudmouths get you down! X

While I sympathise with anyone suffering from anxiety, getting drunk (I hope you're joking) or taking tranquilisers is not the answer. It's completely unprofessional and in most roles could lose you your job.

Op, I would feel the same as you, only I've a couple of decades on you and have somewhat got used to it. I can participate in meetings, but only spontaneously. I cannot feel OK about a meeting where I have to present. I'm neurodivergent too. I echo the pp who congratulated you on knowing what you needed in the moment. If it's "just shyness", then cbt for social anxiety, but if it's ND-based then knowing your window of tolerance and how to look after yourself is a better approach. I hope you don't give yourself a harder time than it already is for you.

Ice breakers are dreadful! They should be banned.
Having said that, avoidance is not helping your anxiety. In fact it's making it worse.
You need to find a way to break yourself in gently to meetings. I'm a lecturer and we have students doing presentations next week. Some of them have a diagnosis of anxiety or something similar. Some of these are presenting to just the lecturers. That's their next step from where they are now. I'm going to suggest they try with a small audience next.
So, find your next step - which is unlikely to be a large meeting with ice breakers! - and try that next. Then a bit more, or the same again.

I agree with pp here. Just tell your manager, you can either agree to go first or agree to skip it, it won't be a big deal. If they knew, they wouldn't want you to go through that.
I think in the example you've given i would've rejoined the meeting once I'd given enough time for the icebreaker to be over, and if anyone said anything I'd have said that the pc crashed or WiFi went down or something.

Urgh lose your job? What a condescending judgemental thing to say, without knowing the full story.

@70sGreenGoblin I hope you’re doing ok now?

@shyshyshyshy please let your manager know, either verbally or in writing.

I’ve been in the dark place you’ve described. My manager was/is male and I’m the only female in the team, and I was scared to tell him of my ‘shame’ and fears. So glad I did. Whilst he has to follow HR protocol (arduous at times) and state my ‘cause’ without going into detail with his manager (female with zero empathy for anything), he’s been 💯 supportive.

Yes, HR policies are fundamentally there to protect the business at all costs, duty of care is/should be a given and you should get the support you need.

Absolutely look into therapy as well as self care options available online. Do not be ashamed or embarrassed of who you are. X

Everyone has different strengths. You are obviously well aware that this sort of thing is not yours. That’s ok.

You could try CBT. Speaking from experience it can be really helpful.
or
You could “offer to go first” to get it out of the way
or
You could speak to / send email to the organiser to ask to be excused
or
You could have a set response
or
you could blame IT and type “Sorry, can hear you all but not speak”

Don’t beat yourself up over this.

I sympathise. I’m quite senior at work now but still my voice sometimes betrays my inner nerves and goes a bit wobbly, particularly the first time I speak in a meeting.

I’m sure they realise that, and it was probably some time ago. Why would they be joking ??

I'd have left before that. 20 minutes plus of introductions before they'd even got to you. That's not a meeting, that's torture. Good on you for leaving ✋️

You poor thing. That sounds absolutely horrible. If you reported to me, I’d hope you would talk to me about your anxiety and I’d make sure I didn’t put you through such unnecessary agony. I’d make discreet allowances for you.

Hello, this is me too OP. I’m autistic, sounds like you might be too.

@shyshyshyshy I hate icebreaker forced fun. To the point I've not given a response part from just said pass (even when holding board positions in £1bn companies).

I am also late 20s and feel like this too (though maybe not quite as extreme) - I have very recently been diagnosed with autism - might that be worth considering exploring further?