Left a work meeting due to anxiety

[shyshyshyshy]

Please be kind.

I'm in my late 20s and have always been shy. I have tried everything to fix it (medication, therapy, mindfulness). I've managed to find a career where I barely have any meetings and when we do have meetings, I will worry and over-prepare for them, but most of the time I'm ok.

Yesterday I had a meeting that was designed to be a social 'fun' meeting. There was an icebreaker question. I had been thinking up my answer for it for a week since the invite was sent. I prepared for this meeting as much as I could. I wrote my answer down in my notebook in front of me, I typed it out on my screen too in case I didn't want to look down at my notebook. I even asked ChatGPT whether my answer was ok. I was dreading the meeting all day. I went to the gym at lunch to try and burn off the anxious energy. I did everything I could think of to mentally prepare for this meeting that other colleagues wouldn't give a second thought. I get in the meeting and there's around 30 of us in the call. The colleague leading the meeting goes around in a random order and asks everyone their answer for the icebreaker one by one. I sit there for 20 minutes or so, waiting. Until I just find the anxiety of waiting for my turn unbearable and before I know it I've clicked the button to leave the meeting.

I'm really conscientious and would never do something like this. It was a 'fun' meeting but was also an important one that was compulsory to attend. I can cope ok in work meetings but when there's anything that's meant to be more casual/fun/relaxed I can't cope. I will even save annual leave up to use for situations like this if I get advanced notice of something like this coming up.

I just don't know what's wrong with me. I've spent so long thinking I must be neurodivergent or have a personality disorder to suffer so excessively from social anxiety. It must be more than just 'shyness'.

Does anyone have any advice?

DSC is like this as an adult; they were diagnosed with Level 1 autism as a late teen. The anxiety seems to have reduced slightly since they started telling friends and colleagues of their diagnosis. It was kept quiet for years.

Kindly, I’m not sure if it is self-care, or if it’s just avoidant ? I don’t think most people do struggle with ice breakers. They can be awkward and dull but I think OP has quite an extreme response to the scenario.

have you tried CBT, OP?

Big hugs, I’m sorry this happened to you

Have you tried beta blockers OP? I have a jt of social anxiety and take propranolol when I know I will have to do this kind of thing. It really helps me.

Apologies 70sGreenGoblin I'm sorry you felt you had to go to such extremes.
I was concerned OP or others feeling the same way might think a couple of drinks beforehand, or popping some tranquilisers might actually help.

Can you take some propranolol for these situations?

Nevermind. Drinking to cope is no laughing matter, yet the tone of the post as I read it made it seem that way.
I can tell the poster was serious, I just didn't want OP or anyone else to think it actually an idea, nor taking tranquilisers.

This is me too, well used to be as I’ve seemed to have sorted out medication to help now. I avoided meetings as much as possible, hated hated when I had to introduce myself. Not even ice breaker, just saying my name and job title. I left meetings before as I couldn’t bare it when they were going around randomly picking people to say their name. I nearly quit my job because I couldn’t stand the constant anxiety (I have so many meetings!). So you are not alone with this. I now take Sertraline daily and propanolol before meetings and it seems to have worked, I talk in calls now and I’m happy to introduce myself!
Could this really be an autistic trait? Reading some of the comments, I’ve never thought of that but my son does have an ASD diagnosis.

My first thought is what an absolute waste of what could have been productive time! Ridiculous to spend that long doing icebreakers. I used to be like you OP but as I've got older and more senior it massively improved. Quite enjoy a good icebreaker now. It's really far more acceptable than it was twenty years ago though to just say, I can't think of anything, please move on. And nobody is listening anyway as they're only thinking of their own answer.

Don’t try cbt. I’d put money on highly masked autism

I experienced crippling social anxiety early on in my career. I found it almost impossible to make small talk with anyone. Id rehearse all the work calls I had to make, writing out scripts for myself but then avoided making any calls when I might be overheard by others so I'd do all my calls during lunch hour when everyone was out of the office, but that meant I skipped lunch.

Before that at uni I missed all catered meals because of social anxiety going into dining hall so I bought a slow cooker and made all my meals alone. I am probably neurodivergent but I don't want a label or medication.

I think it took around 10 years of workplace social situations that I finally got the hang of it. I would be wary of avoidance because you will close down lots of options in your career and may end up limiting yourself in all kinds of ways. It's good to meet your fears. Public speaking training definitely helped me, and just practice. People might call that masking. I don't care. I like the achievement of being able to handle most situations now even though I still sometimes worry tremendously. Good luck.

@ChirpyAmberLion thanks for being so kind. I'm fine and dandy. This was in the 90s. I kept the job for 17 years, and I'm now taking its pension! I did have an awful anxiety disorder later in life but I've overcome that now too. The meetings became more manageable the older I got.
@Throwntothewolves it was true. I did. Crippling anxiety is torture, but I was bloody good at hiding it AND my inebriation.

@Throwntothewolves aw thanks, I'm just glad I'm a v young retiree and I don't intend setting foot in another office as long as I'm alive. I still like a drink though, after 8pm🤣

Sorry for not replying sooner, I was scared to read the replies in case you were all telling me how unprofessional I'd been. Thank you for being so kind and empathetic.

I have used my employee assistance programme before to access CBT but they were really unhelpful and brushed it off, I don't think they understood the severity of it. I might give it another go though.

I've struggled through everything else in life. I gave presentations all throughout university, gave presentations for job interviews. I would blush and stutter and lose my train of thought but I'd still do it. I know I can push myself through things but for some reason a silly icebreaker is apparently my limit...

I might speak to my manager about it. I think it's probably obvious to them that I struggle as during our normal meetings I really stumble over my words and speak really quickly. I opened up in a previous job to a manager and I ended up regretting it though. My actual line manager was lovely, but a member of the senior leadership team decided to invite me for a 'casual catch-up' in the office, but she just spent the whole time talking about my shyness and how I'll grow out of it and how I need to have more confidence in myself. I think it was well-intentioned but it made me really uncomfortable, especially when we could be overheard.

I'll also speak to my GP. I've tried sertraline and citalopram before but they didn't help. I think I asked about propanolol before and was told no but I can't remember why, so I could ask about it again.

OP I would have felt the same. I am neurodivergent and find meetings, public speaking and events in general exhausting and stress inducing. I hate ice breakers too. In fact reading your post has given me the courage to either leave a business event I am due to attend thie evening early or I might not even turn up at all. I am done with forced "fun" too.

Ah @shyshyshyshy I had to present tutorial papers at uni, and dreaded them, but oddly,like you say, icebreakers are a step too far! I became aware that everyone at work loathed them, even the seemingly confident people. Very best wishes to you.

That was rotten of the senior leadership team member. Why point out someone’s shyness like that. So unhelpful and unprofessional to do this when it can be overheard by others. Surely something like that can be discussed in supervision if necessary. All that really matters is that you’re doing your job. I fecking hate icebreakers and “team away days”. What a load of shite and complete waste of time. I would rather get on with a days work than endure that crap.

Theres a few posts recommending medication. It can help but why the fuck do people have to medicate themselves. Why can’t they have a choice about participating in stupid icebreakers etc.

I think traditional CBT has a new twist which I understand may be helpful for social anxiety. Do seek help now to give you strategies as with the passing of time and change in hormones, feelings may exacerbate.

I think your icebreaker may be someone else's eating alone/presenting/going to a party/driving etc...

Well done for asking for help here. I think you can definitely make progress with support. Good luck

I understand how you feel, it's crippling at times. I do find though that waiting for my turn in things is the worst, so I go first. Then I can relax.

This!!!!
🏅

Have you considered some sessions with a careers coach?

Might help boost confidence. Someone on here can probably recommend a good one.

I really sympathise about what happened with the senior manager. They sound thick, no emotional intelligence at all. So patronising and would probably only make things worse.

I have so much sympathy for you. I'd be exactly the same. I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder aged 18 and then autism aged 28. I've done CBT and all the different ssri medication but nothing has helped. I only work two days a week now, but I spend most of the week dreading them.

I don't think it's helpful to lie to the OP. Most people don't like icebreakers, true, but that's more along the lines of eye rolling, what a waste of time, or slight nervousness, ugh, wish I didn't have to do this, rather than the overwhelming anxiety she describes. I appreciate it might be coming from a good place but it's completely inaccurate to give her a false understanding of what's a 'normal' level of anxiety, or to congratulate her for 'self care' by leaving, when it was the complete opposite, because she now feels much worse than she would have had she been able to do the icebreaker and move on.

By all means people should take themselves out of situations that actually have the potential to cause them harm - but this was not one. Nothing bad would have happened to her had she given her icebreaker. She was not in any danger.

I've suffered from anxiety myself - its well known that the absolute worst thing you can do is completely avoid the thing that scares you, because that re-enforces in your head that it is something to be scared of! So next time you have to do it it will become even bigger and more scary, to the point it's impossible to get over.

OP has done a really brave thing in firstly trying her best to go ahead with something that scares her, and then coming on here admitting that she knows she has a problem and asking for advice. Pretending there's nothing wrong and her reaction is understandable and normal is doing her a disservice.

Other posters (and you yourself OP) have already suggested most of the things I would suggest - cbt, medication, etc. It's hard to say for definite because different things work for different people. For me, although I tried the other stuff, the only 'real' cure was just forcing myself to do the things I was scared of, until they were okay. But it is hard.

For your 'thing' in particular, as you've said that you've managed (although still dislike) more professional social scenarios, like delivering presentations - do you think perhaps that the anxiety is worse when you think your being judged as yourself, rather than as a 'version' of you? If so, maybe next time completely make up the icebreaker, and pretend to yourself that it's not actually you who is doing it, it's a character who just happens to have the same name as you who is the sort of person who has run a marathon or is planning a trip to Japan!

Ideally don't make it too interesting so people don't ask about it after (don't introduce a fake cat you then have to remember every time a colleague enquires about them for the next 5 years!) - but even then - looking back now do you remember any of the icebreakers the people before you said? I'll hazard a guess very few, if any - because honestly nobody is really listening, let alone judging you - they're all just waiting for their own turn to talk!

I do think exploring autism assessment might be an idea. Rehearsing for social situations is an indicator, as is the fact you have struggled with this stuff despite continued exposure and a range of other strategies. (And the fact you were scared to come back to read the replies.)

If you've always struggled with this to some extent then it can't be a personality disorder (and it doesn't sound like one anyway), but it certainly could be autism.

There's no medication for autism and a diagnosis doesn't just mean opting out and never growing or challenging yourself again. What it could mean is equipping you with better knowledge about the root cause of your difficulties and how to manage them well. That can make a massive difference.

Have you done the AQ10?