Am I an alcoholic?

[fartasapissed2]

Bravely posting in the Chat function! Starting to worry about my alcohol consumption I’m 24 with one year old, over the past month and a half I’ve been drinking very regularly.

I’ve drunk more in the last month than I have in the last year. Over the last 2 months I’ve averaged a bottle of wine, and the rest , probably 3-4 times a week. It’s come to a head with DP because I’d like to go to AA or NA, he isn’t in agreement that I have a problem.

I enjoy getting home and opening a bottle of wine, DP can work 20 hour shifts so I’m home alone a lot. I’d probably average on my drinking nights, 1 bottle of red and 50cl of spirits. Is this a problem? I’m never hungover and my
child is the deil incarnate.

thanks

@fartasapissed2 I married a man who tried to take away my career in order to gain full control. Luckily I managed to fight against it (somehow) and every day since I thank God I made that decision, even over a decade on. It was literally.the only.thing I was left with. The only thing. Things ended horrifically and without the ability to earn, myself and my children would have been completely destroyed.
Go back to work and don't let him tell you otherwise.

Are you confusing units with percentage alcohol?

A unit of acohol is 10ml of pure alcohol

I've never seen a bottle of St Emilion (one of my favourite for a posh night out) whose declared alcohol content would take it anywhere near 14 units, which would be nearly 20% alcohol for a 75cl bottle, fortified wine territory.

I have read that many bottles of red under declare their alcohol content because social drinkers don't like buying really strong reds that they can only drink a thimblefull of, so there's that to consider.

Gin is easy as is usually sold by the litre at 40% alcohol, so there 40 units in a bottle. Anything sold by the litre has the same number of units as its percentage alcohol number.

The OP has a serious alcohol abuse problem, the question is why.

If you even have to ask if you’re drinking too much then you most certainly are.

Stopping buying the alcohol is a good place to start, if it’s not in the house then the temptation is removed. Set yourself easy targets and only have a drink during social occasions, that way you’re not using it as a crutch…..drinking alone is a slippery slope. During those social occasions limit yourself to one alcoholic drink followed by a soft drink, drink slowly and enjoy the company treat her than the alcohol.

Identify the times when you reach for the bottle and just do things differently, it’s surprising how distraction can help overcome an established habit.

Do have respect for your liver, alcohol can damage it without displaying early symptoms, fuck up your liver and fuck up your life.

This is a really helpful post.

@fartasapissed2 you have had significant life changes - redundancy and a new baby - all within a year. You are still vulnerable to developing post natal depression, so you can easily access support without detailing precisely how much you are drinking when you do. Your HV and GP should be able to support you if you flag the way you are feeling, that you feel a drink takes the edge off etc.

Those red flags re your DP are significant and remind me just how vulnerable unmarried women are when they leave work to raise a baby (there is another post where a women was a supported SAHM, unmarried, only for her DP to leave her after 30 years… with no rights.) I sense, without a job, increasingly isolated, you are aware of your vulnerability - but I would start taking steps to protect yourself. Whether that means taking the money you are spending on spirits and popping it in a F.O fund that he doesn’t need to know about or exploring back to work opportunities for returning mothers.

If he is not happy for you to return to work, but a good provider, could you do a PT/online masters/professional qualification over a couple of years - this would enable you to connect with other people, network, potentially meet people from time to time and shore up your ability to return to work in a few years time… and give you the power to leave if the suspicion of many of us here is that he is coercively controlling and deliberately isolating you.

@PrizedPickledPopcorn - great post. 100% agree. Get that £45 per week into a pension for your child OP-they'll thank you later in life.

I was very much similar in my earlier years, thankfully pre kids, I drank far too much but for me it was normal (alcoholic father) I got to the point where it was carry on and end up like my father or stop. I stopped, cold turkey and never looked back. I haven't had a drink in 26 years.

I appreciate not everyone can just stop, but that's the only way things work for me, I make my mind up and commit.

It's a slippery slope... I think the fact you feel you need some help, you need to explore it and do it for you and your child. I can only imagine it gets worse if you carry on this way ..

You need to change this situation OP.
You were obviously drinking when you wrote this although you are very articulate.
Can you move back closer to family and friends? You are not getting any support from your "D" P .
You are being controlled by your partner. You are going to end up with no money of your own. The wedding can be cancelled.
Yes alcoholism can be genetic, I've seen it in my extended family.
How old is his other child? Why did he split up with their mother?
It's so hard having a baby/ toddler especially when you don't get any support.
You need to change this.

Who makes up these allowances and boundaries? Just out of interest. I guess a lot depends on your size and height as I’m sure what you’re drinking would have different effects on different people. I’d be inclined to try and cut down or give up and if you find that too hard for whatever reason then yes in yourself you’ve highlighted you think your consumption is on the higher side of average.

Have you tried to cut down on your drinking and failed? If so you are an alcoholic. If not you're a problem drinker who is likely to become an alcoholic soon.

You can take a baby to an AA meeting. https://www.aa.org/faq/can-i-bring-my-family-aa-meeting I wouldnt take a child old enough to understand what is being said, so you have a short window. Would MIL help you attend by minding the children?

Yes you are very vulnerable financially and even if it doesnt make financial sense you should be looking to return to work. Protect yourself and your child. Having more of a purpose in life might also reduce your desire to drink.

No I am reading the labels in the bottles which state how many units they contain. People very often assume wine is the same regardless of strength and colour - a higher alcohol bottle of red wine, the better the wine is presumed to be per Tanners and Laithwaites so a 14.5% 75cl bottle can be about 11-12; white wine is generally lower at 9-10 units. Spirits have a bloody picture on the label stating how many units the bottle contains.

No idea why people are being such dicks about this - whether she is drinking 25 or 30 units IT IS STILL TOO MUCH.

And yes… the issue is WHY is she feeling the need to drink do much. Post like yours nit-picking unit calculations do eff all to help her, do they?

I say this very kindly, because I recognise myself several years ago in this situation. I do think you have a problem. I know how hard it is with a very young child and it's easy to let things get out of hand because sometimes a few drinks is the only way you can relax. What really helped me was to download an app to log my drinking. Seeing it recorded in black and white really made me face what I was doing. I still drink but nowhere near as much as I used to. Good luck OP.

I probably drank about the same (possibly more) in my 20s but I didn’t have children until my mid-30s. That’s more of an issue for me. It’s a lot of booze around a baby.

OP you have an alcohol and dp problem. You don't seem to recognise how negative this whole situation is for you.

Your dp controls everything and works constantly leaving you on your own, doing all the childcare and I imagine cooking and cleaning. You cant work because he says so which isolates you more. He wants you to sign a prenup because it suits him which means you get nothing potentially. He doesn't believe you have a drink problem because he isnt around enough to see it and it doesnt suit him to have to be home more ti support you. What does this man actually bring that's positive to your life? You dont seem him, he doesn't support you anyway but financially which you can do yourself but he wont let you, he doesn't spend time with you and your daughter..

Also you say your dd isnt neglected and she possibly isnt physically but I can promise you as someone who grew up in a well off family with an alcoholic parent and another who worked very long hours she is going to be neglected. She will be emotionally neglected. She will be embarrassed because her mum is drunk again. There will be days you wont be fit to take her anywhere or do anything with her because the drinking will only increase if you dont get it under control now. You will miss shows, trips, days out or be there in presence only.

You said AA and NA. Can I ask what else you're taking too?

I think there are online support groups if that could make it easier for you to attend one. Would your MIL be willing to watch the kids for you if she suspects you may have PND; you could just say it's a support group if you don't want to say AA?

I think if you're worried about your alcohol consumption, then that should be your cue to look for some support to change. I was drinking a similar amount at your age for a while after my Dad died. All alcohol does is numb the noise, the feelings and problems are still there when you put the glass down for the night and often you also have to contend with the hangover anxiety the next day.

Well I'm sorry but you quoted a bottle of St Emilion as 14 units, which is nearly 20% alcohol and the highest rated bottle I can find on sale is 15% alcohol, which is just over 11 units.

So perhaps if you don't want people commenting or telling others exactly how to work out how many units in a bottle, you could not write things which are incorrect?

A bottle of wine typically has 9 units, and half a bottle of gin has about 20 if it’s a litre bottle.

You have a serious drink problem, sorry OP.

If you PM I can send you a link to a wonderful online AA meeting where babies are very welcome.

Many meetings only request camera
on at the beginning to avoid Zoom
bombers.

Please PM me and I will send you the details.

Yes. And stop with the grinning faces - it's not remotely funny.

Do you feel you're dependent on alcohol, or that opening a bottle of wine is an important bit of your evening wind down routine?

If so, try substituting a cup of herbal tea instead of a glass of wine when you sit down in the evening. Or something that signals comfort & relaxation.

See if you can substitute other evening routines instead of the bottle of wine.

And try limiting drinking alcohol to one night a week.

OP did something happen/change at the start of the year that led you to start drinking more? It seems like you are lonely, unsupported & struggling & using the alcohol as a blanket

lot of disingenuous people judging you so far. From what you have said you aren’t an alcoholic but you are definitely drinking too much.

Being an alcoholic as you will know from your parent is the need/addiction to having a drink & it doesn’t sound like you are there but if you carry on as you are its definitely where you will end up.

I think you need to fix the other problems in your life which is probably causng you more pain than you realise. Getting support to cut down your drinking again wouldn’t go amiss. At least reach out to a friend or relative whilst your partner is at work & tell them what you are struggling with, I bet they will be happy to help/support you

There's an easy way to tell if you're an addict. Stop drinking, a week isn't long enough. Try a month. If you cant do it, then you're probably dependent.

Women get can get addicted to alcohol very easily.

Even if you are borderline you could try the meeting. Might help it stop it getting worse.

Also, you mentioned NA - what else are you on?

Can’t edit my post so I’ll add to it here. Just seen you’ve only been doing this since the start of the year so I would say no you’re not an alcoholic. To be an alcoholic it needs to be deeply entrenched behaviour. You’ve only been doing this 2 months, so you can stop. If you want to. If you don’t want to, or think you can’t, then you’re veering towards alcoholism.

Give up the gin first and see how you get on.

That is a huge amount.

But what I've learnt from AA-sober friends (not my own experience - just forwarding what friends who go to AA say) - if you are worried about your drinking, then its a drinking problem, no matter. how much you're drinking.

For example, I found myself looking forward to a glass of wine at about 8pm most evenings as a signal I'd stopped working for that day. I realised I was associating wine with reward and relaxation. So I substituted a cup of herbal tea. Just to break that association. I now only drink wine maybe once a week, and sometimes I'll go for several weeks without drinking any alcohol whatsoever.

But use the AA ideas: one day at a time. Just don't drink tonight.

And the other AA idea I find useful for when I want to stuff my face with chocolate: think the drink through.