Am I an alcoholic?

[fartasapissed2]

Bravely posting in the Chat function! Starting to worry about my alcohol consumption I’m 24 with one year old, over the past month and a half I’ve been drinking very regularly.

I’ve drunk more in the last month than I have in the last year. Over the last 2 months I’ve averaged a bottle of wine, and the rest , probably 3-4 times a week. It’s come to a head with DP because I’d like to go to AA or NA, he isn’t in agreement that I have a problem.

I enjoy getting home and opening a bottle of wine, DP can work 20 hour shifts so I’m home alone a lot. I’d probably average on my drinking nights, 1 bottle of red and 50cl of spirits. Is this a problem? I’m never hungover and my
child is the deil incarnate.

thanks

You're drinking too much but you're not in alcoholic territory - not unless you're sneaking in drinks during the day and covering it all up. The fact you're worried about it suggests you're probably not an alcoholic. That said, you're not wrong to want to nip it in the bud, and AA meetings may help - they might not though as having been before, the fact that so many people were so much worse can make your own drinking seem non-problematic. Can you not just cut down yourself? Ditch the gin and just have half a bottle instead of a full bottle? Or are you one of those people (like me) that has no brakes when they start drinking, so is best just not to even think 'I'll just have one glass of wine' because it's never just one?

ETA - I have childhood trauma and ADHD so used alcohol (and drugs) to self-medicate/regulate my emotions in my 20s. Also thought I was alcoholic and went to AA. That didn't help as although I was abusing alcohol, I wasn't an alcoholic. In the end, seeing my GP and getting referred for counselling, as well as anti-depressants, helped me totally sort my life out.

Op, yes you have a drink problem. At least you recognise that which is the first step as most people deny.

'Edited to add, my child is far from neglected. Firmly WC to MC, I grew up council, my child enjoys ballet, avocados and blueberries'

Kindly, with a dm drinking the amount that you do your child is neglected. Ballet and avocados are no substitute for an emotionally present parent.

Good luck.

What are you on about?

A bottle of.wine plus a glass of spirits 3 times a week is nowhere near 75 -100 units a week??!!

As others have said you are drinking heavily with a history of alcoholism so you are absolutely playing with fire. You have identified that you need help and your partner has laughed it off. This may be because he doesn't want to admit there is a problem, or it may be more controlling. Given the other information you have given about him not wanting you to return to work, and wanting pre-nup he does not sound like he do not have your best interests at heart. Going back to work is far more than just whether you forgo child benefit or not. Pension contributions, career progression, these are all things that you are giving up. Plus child care should always be considered a shared household cost, so don't fall into thinking that using nursery is a negative on the household. You can of course get a job regardless of his hours (he should be helping but that's not the point).
Good luck and well done for realising you are struggling.

He's against you returning to work and wants a pre nup?

RUN FOR THE FUCKING HILLS.

He doesn't want you to go to AA because he rejects the label of "an alcoholic wife" he does not have YOUR interests at heart.

Your posts sound dissociated with the gravity of the situation. Tell GP everything you have said here. They should guide you to best action for your health and security.

Stop drinking and start making sure your future is secure for yourself and your child.

You are an alcoholic.
Get help.
Get dry, safely.
Never touch it again.
Find another crutch to lean on.
Good luck x

500mls of spirits plus a bottle of wine ain't great.

The spirits are the thing that will fuck you up. You don't realise how drunk you are. You could end up on a litre of spirits a day if you keep going as you tolerance increases. Then you'll get liver disease.

How would you feel if you tripped and fell and injured yourself and your baby while drunk?

Speaking as someone who attended AA for 15 years noone can tell you whether you are an alcoholic. You know yourself you just have to reconcile with it. FWIW I always liked a drink, still do, but at a period in my life that was very stressful I coped by drinking very heavily and was unable to stop so went to AA. I attend for 15 years and stopped going at the beginning of 2022. I no longer drink like I used to. A lot of people believe if you are alcoholic you are never safe with a drink so I think that during that stressful period I was dependant on it but now I'm not.

Drinking heavily isn't the same as being an alcoholic. Do you feel like you need the alcohol? Can you go without it? You don't need to go to AA to cut down. There are lots of sober motivation accounts out there. It sounds like you feel like it's a problem though. Maybe because you feel out of control?

It must be costing a fair bit too. I wonder if it's come from a place of having 1 to wind down or as a "I deserve this after a hard day now the baby's sleeping" and then it spirals. What happens if you have a cup of tea or a hot chocolate in the evening instead?

Does your partner drink with you? Did I read that he works long shifts or away or something? Would you leave your child with anyone else who had a bottle of wine?

Are you dependent on the alcohol or do you just think you're drinking more than you should on a weeknight? Have you tried drinking less or not drinking at all at home?

Half a bottle of spirits at a time.

A whole bottle of wine.
Four times a week.

That's 96 units a week.

I don't think volumes are the issue with addiction - it's how your brain works. Are you waking up thinking about 6pm so you can have a drink? on days off are you applauding yourself but knowing tomorrow you will drink loads?

Why don't you try an AA meeting online.

Your DP does not sound supportive at all.
You need to get some help to nip that drinking in the bud ASAP for you and your child.
It also sounds like you would hugely benefit from going back to work, even if PT around nursery. It will help you mentally, emotionally, financially.

If your DP is working 20-hour days, then you can go to meetings whilst he is out.
I would also plan for the long-term: 42% of marriages end in divorce in the UK. Not to mention the small chance of accidents, illness, disability or death.

Secure your future, look after your pension and give yourself a reason to get out of the house. It's been estimated that every year spent out of work reduces your future earnings by 10%. Of course, it does not help that the system is weighted against you with expensive childcare and the higher-rate withdrawal of free hours and child benefit. Start researching the finances now and put together a career game plan for when your child is older and less dependent.

You will thank yourself.
I've been there. Two kids, made redundant when pregnant with the second and childcare costs made it almost impossible to get back into the workplace. I started my own online business. It's not for everyone (some days I think I'm insane), but 10 years on, the kids are happy at school, and I have employees, clients and a regular income. If something happened to DH, I could financially support my family.

Think about where you want to be in 10 years time. Because that time is going to fly by.

The last line says it all.
You're in sole charge of a child whose childhood will be ruined if you carry on.
I drank 7-10 bottles of wine weekly for 18 years. I'm lucky to be alive. My younger brother and my friend are not.
Smart recovery can be done online.

OP, ignore your husband and seek help. I am not teetotal. I love some good red wine. My husband doesn´t drink. So a bottle will last me Friday evening, Saturday lunch and Sunday lunch. I don´t drink spirits almost never, certainly not at home.
I once got home midweek and thought about pouring myself a glass while I watched some tv. That´s when the angel on my shoulder said, watch it.

Your angel is desperately trying to get your attention, heed it.

Well yes you are probably heading towards alcoholism, even by my relaxed standards.

The good news is that you're only 24, have probably not been drinking this much for that long and can probably pull out of it relatively quickly if you do something about it now.

Probably the best thing to do is to start rationing. A bottle of wine and gin on top in the evening is a lot. I would start by cutting out the gin, then move back to perhaps a 1/2 bottle of wine allowance per night (3-4 bottles a week). This is still probably more than is recommended but a more reasonable intake.

You can also think about lower alcohol wine that is available or diluting the wine with some lemonade. The key is to move towards drinking lower and lower amounts of alcohol over time. You might be surprised how you get used to the taste of a mixer. Bit like going from full fat to skimmed milk. At first you notice but after a while its fine.

AA is probably great for moral support. But ultimately the only way to stop yourself becoming an alcoholic is to reduce the amount of alcohol you drink.

AA can be a bit dismissive of people who don’t fit the classic definition of alcoholism.

I'm sorry, but that's simply not true.

If you think this is moderate and not problematic, I urge you to seek help for your own drinking habits.

I think the first thing you need to do is go to your GP and tell them everything re your drinking and how your MIL think you have PND, you are struggling.

That's 119 units a week on the weeks when you have four drinking days.

You must be very very drunk on those days and that means your child may as well be on their own. Is this not a worry?

A bottle of wine several times a week is far too much for a 7ft fit and solid man. OP is female, and her body is either still recovering from, or has not long finished recovering from giving birth. She is very likely sleep deprived as she is sole carer to a 1 year old. She is drinking way too much.

Alcohol consumption guidance from the NHS is based on scientific evidence.

I copied and pasted some of the things you have written across different posts here, OP. maybe reading them grouped together (preferably while you don't have any alcohol in your system) will help you to process some of it.

"I drink maybe 3-4 times a week. On the days that I drink I will probably have an bottle of wine and maybe half a bottle of gin. I’m aware that the ‘safe’ units pw is about 15.

I’m 24 and falling into my mother’s drinking patterns which quite frankly, terrify me.

My mother is an alcoholic, I barely remember her being sober throughout my childhood.

I know addiction can be genetic.

I’m absolutely forming a habit.

I know I have a problem.

DP works ridiculous hours; He regularly works 20 hours a day. I’m struggling to cope with it.

He’s very much against me returning to work. I live in DP’s house, he owns it. He has a DC from a previous relationship. I’m not on the deeds. He’s controlling in that he’s against me returning to work. He pays the bills and gives me an allowance. We're getting married. He’s keen on a pre-nup.

I’ve moved hours away, both from mine and his support network. I’m struggling with the demands of motherhood.

I have zero help for both emotional support, and hands on deck.

MIL seems to think I’m suffering from PND.

I’m definitely feeling a little vulnerable and numbing it.

I know I have a problem. "

You're aware that you're genetically predisposed to alcoholism.

You're aware of the guidance that men and women should not drink more than 15 (it's actually 14) units a week. The guidance also states that if you are regularly drinking that much, it should be spread over 3-4 days. You are currently drinking approximately your whole weekly allowance in one night, and repeating that amount 3-4 times a week. You are drinking 3-4 times the maximum advised amount.

You're aware that you're using alcohol as a prop for coping with a challenging set of circumstances.

You're aware of the damage that alcohol overconsumption does to your health.

You've also witnessed first hand what it's like growing up as the child of somebody who did that.

So sorry you are having a tough time. Regarding your relationship with alcohol, the amount you are drinking is almost irrelevant (aside from the health implications etc you know about). The key for me is that you are clearly not comfortable with the amount you are drinking, you don't seem to feel fully in control of it, and you are drinking to mask/compensate for other issues. I think others have already mentioned, it could also be the start of a steep slope down. If you think you want help to stop, do it. Don't let him persuade you otherwise. If you ask for support again with childcare in order to enable you to attend meetings, and he doesn't help (but could with notice), he is not being a supportive partner.

Aside from the alcohol, I have concerns about his request for you not to work without splitting finances equally. This leaves you very vulnerable and can be an early sign of financial control or abuse. It can also be fine in time, just want to you keep your eyes open. Particularly with his talk of a pre nup (what are his reasons for this?). Try not to let yourself become isolated, not working and living away from family can restrict your circle of support. You need friends aside from him. Also consider your future, you aren't making pension contributions, don't have savings etc. I know you have a date booked for the wedding, but you are still in a difficult position, fully reliant on him. If you can, I would try and get a part time job at least. Keeps you in the work place and gives you some financial independence. Even if after the cost of childcare, you don't have much more, it gives you experience, colleagues, outside parenting experiences. It might also help you feel more secure and able to deal with the alcohol better.

Best of luck x x

OP, even if you aren't an alcoholic, you are drinking to dangerous levels. Your partner may be responsible for how you are living and how you feel - but you need to use your own agency to stop.

If you stop, you will feel better very soon!