Am I an alcoholic?

[fartasapissed2]

Bravely posting in the Chat function! Starting to worry about my alcohol consumption I’m 24 with one year old, over the past month and a half I’ve been drinking very regularly.

I’ve drunk more in the last month than I have in the last year. Over the last 2 months I’ve averaged a bottle of wine, and the rest , probably 3-4 times a week. It’s come to a head with DP because I’d like to go to AA or NA, he isn’t in agreement that I have a problem.

I enjoy getting home and opening a bottle of wine, DP can work 20 hour shifts so I’m home alone a lot. I’d probably average on my drinking nights, 1 bottle of red and 50cl of spirits. Is this a problem? I’m never hungover and my
child is the deil incarnate.

thanks

Labelling it with regard to alcoholism is unhelpful. You are drinking far too much. You will hurt yourself before long at that rate.

I used to drink a lot and had to totally change my entire life routines in order to delete it from my life.

Was I am alcoholic? I have no idea. It doesn't matter. One day I had a word with myself and stopped.

this is a bit of a slap in the face. I don’t think that he’s nefarious in his reasoning. Although he’s aware of the extent so🤷🏼‍♀️ he’s very much against me returning to work, the men he works with are the sole providers, it’s a tight knight company and I know the wives’, I wonder if it’s a masculine thing.

My mother is an alcoholic, I barely remember her being sober throughout my childhood. I know addiction can be genetic. I know I have a problem but DF is very much sweep it under the carpet type. I live in DP’s house, he owns it. He has a DC from a previous relationship. I’m not on the deeds. This is screaming instability isn’t it

Can I ask how? If it’s not triggering for you?

Do you need something from him in order to go to a meeting?

Yes, I need him to be available. He regularly works 20 hours a day. I have to plan an hour free in for him to have the baby

There are courses available online.

I’ve seen this on AA. It’s camera on isn’t it? Am I able to have a baby in my care for a meeting?

Having alcohol free days doesn’t mean there isn’t an issue. Looks like there maybe a pattern of binge drinking. This is also ‘alcoholic’ but if you don’t like that word (very definitive and loaded) use ‘problematic’.

For me, it seems you are seeking help but seem to require validation and permission from your DH and randoms
on the internet.

Do you know why you need this - have you lost your agency?

What do you want? What is your goal? What do you want to avoid and how do
you want to get there. AA is not the only route.

Your biggest concern is your DM status. This might mean you are more vulnerable. My husband’s family are alcoholics through the generations - we have been really open with our DCs re their likely increased propensity- all that it means is that they either need to abstain or if in trouble to seek professional intervention - same as you would if you knew you had diabetes.

You have a lot on your plate. Have a look at Adult Children of Alcoholics website especially the laundry list - you will need to reparent yourself and have some compassion and have an intentional and well informed approach for the emotional deficits your inadequate / neglectful (abusive?) left you with.

Dont white knuckle this because you will be preoccupied doing so and then not emotionally available to your young child so repeating the intergenerational cycle of poor attunement. You are young, you are seeking change, you don’t want to be your Mum - please don’t try to do this alone - get shored up with the experts, could just be counselling for now.

I don't know about the rules for online, you would have to ask them. That would be the first step.

If this is what you want to do then you can find a way. You've done really well to recognise the problem so focus now on finding a solution.

Husband and I started getting a bit like this and we did what others have suggested and stopped buying it

we never have booze in so can’t be tempted

if we do want something on a Friday we literally buy why we want - so I’d get 2 cans of moth cocktails

and he gets 6 beers.

then it’s gone and that’s it there can’t be one more

its really worked for us

No, it's not triggering. My employer at the time was a drinker. We would have coffee with whiskey in it in the mornings, go to pub at lunch and more whiskey in the afternoon. I would go home at 7pm, have a bath and a G & T and drive into town and meet my mates and I would drink in the pubs with them. The weekends were worse. I was probably not sober for three years then one winter, one of our number decided to walk home. It was minus figures and he was shitfaced. He sat down on a bench in a graveyard and died of the cold. A woman out walking her dog found him the following morning.

I won't describe him as it's outing (it was in the press because of his position) but this man was very highly educated and in a high position and only 44 and this shook me to the point I was able to reassess my life, realise I was not the person I wanted to be and I stopped. I went out and dug the garden and created a veg garden, cleaned my house and made sure I was kept busy all the time for months until I no longer wanted to drink and totally changed the person I was and all my habits.

I drink rarely now. I've become a bit of a health freak if anything.

Your partner's attitude is very concerning. He is strongly in denial either because the reality of having an alcoholic partner makes him feel guilty, and suggests he doesn't do a good job of supporting you emotionally. Because he likes you being drunk, or because he has control/power issues, and you having a problem with alcohol gives him more control. Only you can guess which is most likely, but the pre-nup and him not wanting to work are massive red flags, particularly considering he doesn't want you to work which leaves you with no pension, and he can't work and pay into his pension and pay his mortgage without you caring for your joint child. Please tell me you are claiming child benefit, and he is paying the tax back? Otherwise you won't be getting pension credits.

I think you drink far more than is good fo you, particularly when you are in sole charge of a small child. I also think you are bored, lonely, stressed, and are experiencing a level of abuse. You are a bright, educated, young woman who has enjoyed a career and earning your own money and your change of circumstances must be very hard for you. It is always worth you going back to work, even if it’s part time since it helps with your pension, keeping your skills up to date, building connections, etc. Would you like to go home? How would that feel?

So many red flags here from OP's excessive drinking to her partner controlling her.
OP must stop drinking entirely - not cut down.
And, she should not marry a man that seems to want her to become a helpless drunk.

Middle class children that eat blueberry’s and avocado while they prance about at ballet can still be neglected. If you drink that much while in charge of your children you have a problem.

Mate... Respectfully, you are faarked!
You have a child with him.
You are not married.
He owns the house you live in.
You don't have a job and he doesn't want you to go back to work.
His work makes it almost impossible for you to get a job.
He wants a pre-nup if you get married.
You have a drinking problem (and a family history of alcoholism) and he won't support you to get help.

He is literally holding all the cards.

I'm assuming you're in the UK. I don't live in the UK so I don't know the details but from what I read on here you've got no rights to claim against his assets if you're not married. If that's correct I really cannot comprehend having a child without the protection of marriage. I live in Australia where after 2 years of living together, you are a defacto and have the same rights as married.

Sort out your alcohol problems and get yourself some financial protection. If it comes to a pre-nup, make sure you get a damn hot lawyer and put in clauses to protect/benefit you. Don't let it be all about protecting his assets.

You sound far too laid back about this situation. None of it is going to end well for you.

Honestly, at this point I hope you're a troll just trying to get a reaction because that would be better than this being your reality.

Perhaps I’m naive but I didn't think a pre nuptial agreement worked here? We’re marrying next year, it’s booked

Although you a right, his work makes it impossible for me to return to work

You’ve ignored every single person who’s said that you shouldn’t drink that much and be in charge of a 1 year old. What if they need you in the night time and you’re out cold? What if something happened and you needed quick reactions like choking? What if you fall down the stairs holding them? What if they become really unwell and you needed to take them to A&E and you’re hammered?

It was tongue in cheek. Manus and Tarquin are fed from Iceland

When he's working and you've drunk a bottle of wine and half a bottle of gin, who's there to be completely 'with it' to tend to your baby? You really need to take stock this sooner rather than later. Get rid of all booze and don't buy any- if you can do that for a few weeks and be fine with it, you may have nipped a serious problem in the bud.

If you marry him you will regret it. You have nothing of your own and he plans on keeping it that way.

Sorry OP, there's a lot going on here but if you can get your drinking problem sorted, you might be able to tackle the relationship problems.

At the moment you are in no fit state to deal with him. You need to get sober, check with your GP or health visitor regarding possible PND and go back to work so that you have your own income and independence.

He is blocking you getting help for drinking. Will he block you getting help from your GP or health visitor do you think? You should tell them that you want help with your drinking but that your partner is not supportive. They will be able to advise you.

I was drinking half a bottle of vodka a night after a serious trauma last March, sometimes I’d drink wine or premixed gin and tonics as well and convince myself I’d just stick to them but then I’d still open the vodka.

I asked for help from my GP and drug and alcohol services but because the amount stayed the same and I only drank for a few hours at night I struggled to get them to see I had a serious problem. My key worker in the drug and alcohol service (I had a history with drug addiction but been in recovery for 10 years so was already having regular appointments) even told me there was no point trying to stop at the end of august because I had a holiday booked in October.
There was a discussion about rehab after my holiday a few times but despite begging it never got further than a mention at appointments.

Things escalated which is what was worrying me and I ended up drinking all night some nights until the 28th of December last year.
I drank a bottle of port and a bottle of Prosecco and was so drunk I couldn’t stand up. I was terrified because I actually didn’t feel drunk in my head but had no control of my body and fell over banging my head and cutting my face and giving myself a black eye, my DP had to carry me to bed.
I was so embarrassed but couldn’t even get him to understand me because my voice was so slurred.

The next morning I stopped and haven’t had a drink since and my life has changed beyond belief.

I had dry skin and a constant red face, psoriasis on my scalp, my hands shook, I forgot conversations and had gained 2 stone in a year. I spent so much money on alcohol and panicked about running out, I was sneaky about how much I drank and played it down whilst panicking inside.

Since December I’ve lost over a stone (despite sugar cravings the first few weeks and eating a LOT of chocolate and sweets!) I go to the gym most days and mostly drink water, my skin is glowing and I’ve so much energy and sleep better. I’ve gone from waking up with a sinking feeling trying to remember if I’d said/done anything wrong to waking up rested and relaxed.

I haven’t been tempted but I have kept up my appointments with addiction services and the changes to my physical and mental health gave me the incentive to stay sober.
I use the NHS drink free days app and love seeing my stars mount up and the calories and money saved.

I tried AA but I didn’t find it for me, I felt like I was managing without it but I wouldn’t rule it out in the future if I struggle and people were incredibly supportive.

I know I was on a very slippery slope and all I wanted to do was drink and I was counting down the hours.
I could never stop at just one drink and if I bought a half bottle of vodka I’d finish it and couldn’t leave any, my tolerance increased so then I was buying litre bottles to “last a week” but finishing them in 2 days.

I have started socialising and found alcohol free alternative drinks great, I feel like I’m doing the same as before without the calories or stress - unfortunately it costs the same as alcoholic drinks!

I bought some fancy soft drinks and used the same glass and drank them at the same time as I’d drink alcohol to keep up the ritual and hot chocolate, marshmallows and squirty cream as a treat for when I missed having a nice drink in my hand.
I had no serious withdrawal symptoms except I struggled with sleep for a few weeks and the incredible sugar cravings!

You definitely have a problem OP and it will escalate faster than you can imagine, please try to stop before you get physically addicted and would be looking at a detox.
There is so much support if you look in the right places and are honest, you can do this and will be so much happier, try to get support for the reasons you feel you need to drink rather then just numbing them with alcohol.
You have a child which is a much bigger incentive then all the reasons I had put together x

So was I. You judge your neighbour’s kids for not being well turned out, or whatever the phrase was you used, and think because you (your partner) has money and your kids are smartly turned out and are resoundingly middle class that they are not neglected. If you drink as much as you say, you’re neglecting your kid.

Sympathies OP, PND is really difficult. Your life changes so massively when you have a baby and nobody can prepare you for it! Reduce/stop the drinking and spend the money on perinatal therapy. It would help to talk to someone, sounds like DP may not be around much.