Parents giving you money

[BestBefore2000]

Just curious to know if they still do?
My husband and I feel very differently about this. I'm 45 now but have always been raised to be self-sufficent. I've worked all of my life from the age of 16 (mat leaves only not working), three kids, years of being a single parent. Not wealthy by any stretch, privately renting still as can't afford a suitable mortgage. I do extra hours on Sundays to cover things as my job is term-time only. No benefits except CB. My car is over a decade old now but still works just about!!
Husband is 50 and works ft - earns more than me (around £2,400 net pm). However, his parents still give him a credit card that he is permitted to use for electricity for his car (they bought him a new electric car), bits and pieces of shopping etc. He contributes financially to our young shared daughter only as I have always been happy that my older children (shared care) I take financial responsibility for, along with my ex-husband. Other examples - husband had a nail in tyre the other day and so paid the £150 for a replacement. They also pay for his private dental care and give him extra money so he can pay for family holidays.
This is all alien to me but is it "normal"? I feel given his age it is not, but happy to be proved otherwise.
Edited to add - his parents are by no means well off. They are both in their 80s so have paid off their mortgage (modest 3 bed).

what's the point in waiting and giving your kids inheritance when they're 60/70 and likely don't need it as much.
Isn't it better to help when they need it now if you want to and can.
If you had the means to get a mortgage maybe they would help with that, but if thats not an option right now they're giving the money in other ways.

helping with one off large expenses etc frees up his money for other things in his life. everyone has different relationships with money. my ups see it as both incentivising but also a tool to make life easier. who doesn't want to make their loved ones lives easier when they can. Mine are always offering, sometimes I take it sometimes I won't. I don't really NEED any of it, but who doesn't appreciate a holiday being paid for?

The £100k in 20s would enable a house purchase, set for life really! £200 a week in 40s is just covering the food bill and no tangible long term effect.

My parents don’t give us more than a few quid and would never pay for meals out with my brother and sister we are expected to pay for them. They ate totally in you will get it all when we die brigade. My in-laws are the complete opposite, they pay for our holidays and bought both our children’s first cars for them, they also give us money a couple of times a year. My husband is semi retired and I retired at 55 so it’s not that we need help we both had good jobs, they just are in a situation that they can help and are very generous. We put a lot of their money gifts in accounts to help the kids with a deposit for a house. And yes I will be as generous as they are to our kids when we fully retire.

My parents didn't support me financially once I had started working and I wouldn't have wanted them to. I valued being independent.

We supported our daughter financially through her childhood and as a student. She started work last September.

If I go up to visit her for a few days, I'll pay for meals out, cinema trips etc because she doesn't earn much but we don't give her money for day to day expenses.

Giving money regularly to an adult child who is middle aged and earning ok money seems very strange.

I think I agree with you on that. Day to day needs should be his responsibility at 50. And I think I'd think less of him at that age if he doesn't acknowledge that food and petrol/electricity are down to him.

The help that I give my kids is for the extra needs. Like nursery fees, funding a family UK holiday together (but there's a selfish element to that!), dental work, and helping with legal fees for house buying etc. And they're in their mid 30s

Yes - when my dad was alive he was very generous. He bought me a house, numerous cars, large cash gifts, etc. I didn't 'need' the money because I've had a successful career. He wanted to do it because it gave him pleasure. I'm an only child and his attitude was 'it's all going to be yours when I'm gone anyway'.

In my circle it’s normal for parents to hep out their adult children, but not really for day to day purchases. Most of my friends were give money towards house deposits from parents as was I, my parents will also sometimes give me money to help out for things like an unexpected car/ vet/ house etc bill and again, this is fairly normal in my circle. My parents wouldn’t expect me to pay something like that back although I would always offer. I don’t really know anyone whose parents pay for day to day expenses like petrol though and that seems especially odd when the adult child is still renting; your husbands parents could have put that money away each month and given him a lump sum towards a house deposit which would be far more helpful than paying for day to day expenses which he could budget for himself by adjusting his spending.

both honestly.

Totally normal for us, on both sides (my parents and in laws).

They're all comfortable (my parents more than so) and love to help.

Now that I have a child, I totally get it. I don't see money as insular. It goes from generation to generation.

I'll always happily help my son with anything, he's an extension of me. Of course if he doesnt want any help, I will also happily respect that.

My dad had trust funds set up for all of this grandchildren and is genuinely thrilled to do so. He always says nothing gives him more pleasure than thinking he is helping his children and grandchildren.

Wow I’m sorry to laugh but I read this as a sarcastic post and I don’t think it is now I reread! So different to my life.

I’m finding this thread interesting, it seems to be about family culture as well as family wealth. I’m like you op in that I’d find this strange, it’s not what happens in mine or DH side. I also wear my self sufficiency with pride and am not sure I’d want my kids to grow up used to big handouts, it doesn’t feel psychological healthy somehow. But that’s only because of what I am used to and I think maybe a bit dysfunctional as I don’t expect to be able to rely on my parents the way some people can. In my case, my parents don’t have very much money so it’s not an option, never has been.

I'm surprised how many people are given money, can I come live with you 🤣

My parents gave me nothing, zilch, even as a teen I would have to work out how to buy my clothes.
My husbands parents were generous but no big amounts because they couldn't afford it and usually it was a loan for a car repair etc
Its been about 7 years since we have had anything from anyone (were 41) but prior to that DHs mum would insist on paying for meals we went on, takeaways etc but no big amounts.

It sounds like the OPs husband has been essentially disincentised from working up/working more due to the regular cash he's getting so perhaps in this case it's a problem.

But would I be classed as the same @dayslikethese1? I work pt (both my dc are well into school) & I’m not sure I will ever go ft again. I earn a good salary for my pt work but could earn more in a more demanding environment but I don’t want that. A lot of this is because of when I got on the housing ladder.

If someone gets a regular allowance doesn't that affect their ability to budget though? And then what happens when it stops?

You sound resentful of them 'helping him out'.

Is it normal? Probably not
Is it over the top? Sound quite a nice arrangement to me
Is it any of your business? Nope not really

He contributes to the upbringing of his child and his parents extras are just that. Little/big gestures that they want to give.

I bet most would wish they could do similar if they could. Not everyone is so lucky. But to call it strange. Nah

Page 8 | Our son has spent £48k in a space of 18 months ?? This was a gift for him to save. Husband says it’s fine he’s young but I am so pissed off I’ve told him to move out in a month go find a place with his idle friends | Mumsnet

To me it's unusual and not how I was raised, my parents are frugal but have done well over the years because of it.

However I can see myself helping out my kids as they get older. I think people inherit too late If they inherit at all, in most cases you need money when your kids are little, not when they have left home.

I will help out as much as I can and pass on what I can to them, as my parents saved to pass on to me. But I will also try to instil in them a sense of being independent. I think giving too much money to children can stop them getting out and earning there own, there is something very satisfying about supporting yourself, even if it's in a share house with hardly any money.

I agree with this.

My parents are not wealthy but they have always helped me with things to the extent they can. Not because I am incapable of looking after myself (I do and have always worked) but because they have always wanted to make my life a bit easier if they can.

I am doing the same for me dd. She has just started uni and I have brought her up to take responsibility and be self reliant, BUT she knows that I would never leave her to struggle financially if I can help her.

My mum transfers me money every month. However its more for my kids than me. I have 2 uni aged children, 3rd in college. Im a single parent and have been for 10+ years with no financial support from their "dad". I no longer recieve UC due to my wage, only CB for the youngest. My 2 uni kids are at home still. So my mum contributes on their behalf so they can complete uni and earn their own money and not have to contribute to house hold costs currently. Its fairly recent, she didnt until my second started uni this time, but since all my UC support stopped, she send £100 per child per month for them. Its enough to make a differnce to my monthly budgets, and for them to keep all money they earn and get from student finance. They do still help out though, they will buy meals and cook for everyone, family take outs etc. Theres just no regular contribution by them.

Same! I don't thinks it's normal at all

Forgot to add that this notion of self-sufficiency is a bit of a misnomer because leaving aside inheritance, most people get some help from the state and that money doesn’t grow on trees!

Yeah my parents are like this. Bought me a washing machine recently when mine packed up; gave my brother some money towards his mortgage when he got caught out by interest rate rises etc. We are both adults with families. They love us and have the spare cash and enjoy helping us; I hope to be in a position to do the same when my dc are grown up.

I think it depends on situation....how much money your parents have, what you are using the money for etc. I still have a credit card from my parents as well. I don't use it often, but for example if traveling and my card does not work for whatever reason or to buy gifts for the grandkids or myself (for bdays and xmas). When I was younger I would use it more often for shopping here and there. Parents did it just to help me out a bit. I did not really need it, but it did make me live more comfortable. I was responsible. I don't see why not if parents can afford it and if the adult child is responsible.

I’ve been fully financially independent since around 23-24, except for a couple times my father gave me money as a gift (unprompted).

It depends on the families - my uncles have 3 children and 2 of them get a lot of financial support at 45 and 50. They give them money, pay for most of the groceries + things for the grandchildren. My SIL also still gets money (40) and her brother has his car insurance + electricity paid for.

I’m not necessarily against it, but I think it should only be done after your children have shown they can be self suficient.

One of my cousins relies on my uncles to prop up her lifestyle and we always wonder what’s going to happen once they pass away. That’s dangerous imo.

My parents pay a lot for me as they have a lot more money than I do

My parents keep offering to pay me to go part time ffs. They think i should be relaxing and not work so hard, i'm in my 30s! People are weird and can be extremely precious about their children.

I really don't think he is "relying" on them so much as appreciating the help and your rent is quite high, so maybe you need it more than you think you do.

Either way, you are overthinking it.