Parents giving you money

[BestBefore2000]

Just curious to know if they still do?
My husband and I feel very differently about this. I'm 45 now but have always been raised to be self-sufficent. I've worked all of my life from the age of 16 (mat leaves only not working), three kids, years of being a single parent. Not wealthy by any stretch, privately renting still as can't afford a suitable mortgage. I do extra hours on Sundays to cover things as my job is term-time only. No benefits except CB. My car is over a decade old now but still works just about!!
Husband is 50 and works ft - earns more than me (around £2,400 net pm). However, his parents still give him a credit card that he is permitted to use for electricity for his car (they bought him a new electric car), bits and pieces of shopping etc. He contributes financially to our young shared daughter only as I have always been happy that my older children (shared care) I take financial responsibility for, along with my ex-husband. Other examples - husband had a nail in tyre the other day and so paid the £150 for a replacement. They also pay for his private dental care and give him extra money so he can pay for family holidays.
This is all alien to me but is it "normal"? I feel given his age it is not, but happy to be proved otherwise.
Edited to add - his parents are by no means well off. They are both in their 80s so have paid off their mortgage (modest 3 bed).

My parents have helped me out a lot over the years - for frivolous and more serious reasons. But I'm an only child and we have no other family to speak of, so I have been the only one providing support for them as they've aged, including taking 2.5 years to care for my dad on end of life and be there for mum in the aftermath.

I'm fortunate that they have been very generous but I do feel beholden sometimes and struggle with that.

I rarely ask...the offer has always come from
them.

My parents never did anything like this, unless was genuine need. Like when my brother got cancer, dad paid his rent because he didn't want him to worry about anything other than getting better. Dad did buy me my first car, a poop-brown coloured 15 year old banger but I couldn't have been happier with it, I loved that car. No help with general day to day though, if couldn't afford it ourselves we didn't have it.

I think a lot of people are of the mindset that they want to see their children enjoying the money now. Like a lot of 80 year olds we feel very lucky with the money we have acquired in later years of life.

We were extremely poor when our children were young, but as they grew and I was able to work things changed. Our generation lived through a time of very high stock markets, right to buy, and final salary pension. I also had a staff mortgage and share save scheme.

We manage to save lots out of our pension. I also did not need my inheritance so I gave it to my children. They are all in their 50s and are mortgage free.

My parents have helped me loads - my house deposit, wedding and uni fees all covered by them, and they continue to do little things like buying lunches out.

Obviously I am very lucky that they are in a position to do this.

I will do the same for my children to the ability that I am able to.

I still work hard and have a good job and expect my children to work hard too, but hopefully with some worries alleviated.

Guess the parents are entitling this behaviour by giving him the money, but I also can’t understand why he isn’t embarrassed by this.

Parents volunteering money for holidays, at Christmas, for doing errands is different, as the child isn’t requesting the money, the parents are gifting it.

DP is 34 and his parents and grandma are very generous. His grandma especially, she hands him an envelope of cash for practically any occasion. She gave him $1,000 for his first holiday with me. I think it’s very sweet.

But it sounds like despite your superior (in your view) work ethic you are still earning less than him despite doing extra hours, so i fail to see how his parents 'bailing him out' as you put it has n't done him any favours and your parents giving you nothing is somehow better. You seem to place great importance on the fact that you are so independent of your parents but you don't really seem to be in a great position yet somehow seem to think you are morally superior to your husband.

It was our normal until my remaining parent died when I was 49. I’d occasionally be “treated” to new specs or give a backhander for holiday spends.
My grandparents did it for my parents, my parents did it for us, we do it for our kids.
Its just how our family is-if we can share, we do.

What I would say though, we didn’t expect it or look for it, always self sufficient, and that’s why we got it, and our kids are the same

@Silverbirchleaf He isn't embarrassed at all - he says his parents like giving him money. Even for basics like food and fuel.

But then the grandma is volunteering the money. She’s deciding to give it out. Your dp isn’t asking her for it. That’s the subtle difference.

I agree with you @Doteycat I am exactly the same. I do all the things you do for my DS. My parents were never really in a position to help me financially at all. I know what it is like to really struggle financially. It doesn’t make you some sort of better person We are luckily now in a position to be able to afford to help out and would rather see the benefits of our gifts to our DS and DIL while we are alive. He and our DIL work hard in good jobs but it makes us very happy that our contributions give them an easier and more enjoyable life.

Intrigued to know which thread this is please?!

I’m 45 and no generally our parents don’t give us anything. I am NC with my family now, but certainly when I was younger they gave me money and I had two lots of inheritance, one of which was added to our already sizeable deposit to buy our house.

My mum did help financially with childcare when dc were younger (no funded hours or tax free childcare back then), but her parents (my grandparents) provided childcare for her FT 9-5 until I started school and every school run and school holiday until I was in secondary school. So in contrast to previous generations, I had a little bit of help, but not as much.

Similarly, MIL is about to loan us some funds for emergency building works that our home insurance is refusing to pay for. But that’s because rustling up £50k with a few weeks notice is tricky. We have some investments we’ve sold, but will take a few months for the money to come through, so she’s lending us the money for now and we’ll pay it back in the next few months.

Definitely no regular funds coming from anyone. That said, I think it’s fine if they have the money to spend. I certainly would hope to be able to help our dc when they’re adults. I’d like them to stand on their own two feet, but it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t want to make life easier for them when possible, assuming I had the money to do so.

I don't think it's 'normal' to be giving a 50-year-old man an allowance, but if they're happy to do it and don't use it as a means of controlling him, I wouldn't be complaining about it.

I’m 45 and no generally our parents don’t give us anything. I am NC with my family now, but certainly when I was younger they gave me money and I had two lots of inheritance, one of which was added to our already sizeable deposit to buy our house

So no help or help?

Yes, I still pay for my adult DC dentist bills, new passports, insurance, holidays, stuff they need ad hoc, big shopping deliveries.

I can afford to treat them and they really appreciate it.

You're repeating yourself a little bit here OP. If you read through the posters, there are plenty who say their parents help them out. Surely basics like food and fuel are exactly what they want to be helping out with rather than say gambling or strippers?!

Honestly, you have (by default) benefitted from his parents generosity so if I were you I would just accept that he's lucky that they are able to help and be grateful that you'll probably never be in a bad financial position as they would see to it that you weren't.

I'd expect my middle aged kids to be able to support themselves. Im 40. Ive never asked my parents for anything. They might treat me to a meal. I'd never rely on them to pay my monthly bills.

My parents have gifted me things but more as one offs, eg when my oven broke my parents insisted on paying, meals out, spending money for holidays. I don't know any adults that have ongoing costs covered like dentist and fuel. What does he do with all the spare money he has from being subsidised and earning more than you?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5493040-our-son-has-spent-ps48k-in-a-space-of-18-months-this-was-a-gift-for-him-to-save-husband-says-its-fine-hes-young-but-i-am-so-pissed-off-ive-told-him-to-move-out-in-a-month-go-find-a-place-with-his-idle-friends?page=27&reply=150647710

The deposit money was generous, we didn't expect it at all. FIL insisted on getting us under a LTV ratio. We were and are grateful.

The childcare isn't free 😂i give my parents £100 for the week for additional costs (eg food, cinema, trips out) but the higher cost is being reminded of how helpful they are with looking after the DC. I am being tongue in cheek here, but 3/52 weeks isn't exactly regular. Plus they often return the kids early (last year it was 2 days early).

I had to pay my own uni fees, rent and student loan (used to pay said fees). I chose to move out, though, and have been self sufficient (apart from help with house deposit, over two separate purchases and supplemented what DH and I saved up) since then.

I haven't expected financial or other help from parents, because they told us not to expect it and because once I moved out of home I was treated as separate from the family unit.

The playing at being grown ups is more than I know my friends have the expectation that if they get into trouble, a grown up (their parents) will take over and take charge. I don't.

That isnt normal at all in my world but your husband doesn't earn much and his parents clearly have spare cash.

I'm in my 50s and financially fine, but my DPs like to support me and their DGC in having a few luxuries. Their reasoning is that they could never afford to do it when I was younger. I worked full time from 16, put myself through uni in my early 30's, bought my own house. I've never relied on them for help as they weren't able to back then, they are now and want to.

The other day my mum gave me money for a new coat. I’m 45. My dad used to say sometime I’ll be gone or our money might be gone on medical bills. I hope someday I can slip my kids payments when they’re on their knees. Nothing against you but you can be raised to be self sufficient and still need help every so often, life can throw stuff at you!

I had to pay my own uni fees, rent and student loan (used to pay said fees)

Same, I still wouldn’t be where I am without the deposit help.

The playing at being grown ups is more than I know my friends have the expectation that if they get into trouble, a grown up (their parents) will take over and take charge. I don't.

My parents would definitely help with anything medical, a bereavement, etc I would always have a roof over my head.