Parents giving you money

[BestBefore2000]

Just curious to know if they still do?
My husband and I feel very differently about this. I'm 45 now but have always been raised to be self-sufficent. I've worked all of my life from the age of 16 (mat leaves only not working), three kids, years of being a single parent. Not wealthy by any stretch, privately renting still as can't afford a suitable mortgage. I do extra hours on Sundays to cover things as my job is term-time only. No benefits except CB. My car is over a decade old now but still works just about!!
Husband is 50 and works ft - earns more than me (around £2,400 net pm). However, his parents still give him a credit card that he is permitted to use for electricity for his car (they bought him a new electric car), bits and pieces of shopping etc. He contributes financially to our young shared daughter only as I have always been happy that my older children (shared care) I take financial responsibility for, along with my ex-husband. Other examples - husband had a nail in tyre the other day and so paid the £150 for a replacement. They also pay for his private dental care and give him extra money so he can pay for family holidays.
This is all alien to me but is it "normal"? I feel given his age it is not, but happy to be proved otherwise.
Edited to add - his parents are by no means well off. They are both in their 80s so have paid off their mortgage (modest 3 bed).

Personally I think no one is better than the other.
No harm in teaching independence and no harm in helping your offspring out.

{mention:Manthide}@GertiePye They're both in their 70s so couldn't really have her ft in holidays. They do help out with her a lot after school for a short while (while I'm working); but not on a ft basis understandably in school hols. And of course my husband's parents can't help with any of the childcare unfortunately (again, totally understandably).

@goz No, what I meant was mature adults should be able to afford the necessities without parental help.

I think this is a very judgemental thing to say.
You don't know why any mature adult may not have good finances and need help.

@MusicMakesItAllBetter Ok then - mature adults who are capable of working.
If not capable they will be in receipt of benefits and further support that way eg with housing.
But this isn't what we are talking about here. My husband can work. As can I.

Are your older children able to help out with watching the little one during the holidays? How much do you need to cover the financial shortfall from now until September?

Well sometimes they can’t. For example, if they are only working term time or are a bad relationship where their DP is not pulling his weight. Sometimes people make bad decisions in life, or they become ill or whatever, and a little parental help would not be amiss (if the parents can afford it).

@GertiePye But again, not up to a 50 yo adults's elderly parents. Up to parents of the child. My daughter has two parents who should BOTH be providing for her - no excuses. It works for my two older children.

Yes, but your husband is clearly not doing that. What are you going to do about it? Hold a gun to his head and make him? You can’t make him, so you’ll have to effect change yourself.

My parents have never given me money. Even for pocket money. My aunt did that because I helped her nurse my grandparents. I wasn't even given money when my dad died. It all went to my mum instead.

How quickly would you have to pay the money back? Can you pay it back slowly over a couple of years?

@GertiePye They'd lend him the money- they'd not lend it me. Then the issue comes because he'd never pay it back (they'd say to keep it).

@GertiePye Indeed. I'm already looking into seeing if I can get some extra hours over evenings and weekends (I do some already).

I meant your parents . . .

@GertiePye Thank you for your support ❤️
That's not an option because they say (quite rightly) it is up to myself and husband to sort - not them. If neither of us were working due to illness or something then that would be different, but between us we are bringing in enough to be able to manage on (e.g. this month's joint net wages will be about £3885).

You said they’ve lent you money in the past that you’ve repaid, so that’s why I thought it might be an option now? Anyway, it’s seems that between the both of you, you’ve got things sorted out now. That’s great.

You’re scrimping to save enough money for a haircut. You’ve said that you’re stressed and anxious over having no money to cover the weeks of the year that you’re not working. Your husband is financially abusing you by not pooling financial resources together as a family should. How much more in need do you have to be for them to help out? Being self-sufficient is great, but recognising when you’re not, and need some help, is nothing to be ashamed of.

Thanks all. I've said hes got a fortnight to come back to me with a "magic appt" re finances (someone independent) 😀

My parents never supported me but they have my brother (new oven, car etc). I don't mind, we are in different places financially.

Separate finances is perfectly reasonable, but it needs to be fair.

My advice would be taking your total take-home pay for the year and divide by 12. This is your average monthly pay. Add that to his monthly take-home pay.

Then add all of the monthly expenses that the two of you have—don’t include what his parents pay for. So food, rent, bills, your car expenses (fuel, tyre replacement, etc)…

Agree which expenses you will each pay and how much you will each have leftover for yourselves/fun/coffees/etc.

I neither want nor need treats, I’m sure they’d all pay for coffee if we went out, but my point was that they don’t need my financial help. They’ve all worked hard and saved hard and their successes are entirely their own. I’m very proud of them.

This isn't about your PIL giving your husband money, it is about your husband not sharing that money with his family. You scrimping for a haircut whilst he goes to concerts? Totally unacceptable. I'd be considering divorce, that selfish attitude isn't likely to change at 50.

@WelshSlate But I think his attitude with money has come about because his parents have never expected him to take financial responsibility. Every time he has not managed his money his parents have bailed him out. So hes reliant on this still at 50.
And furthermore, his parents continue to exacerbate the issue by not giving money to the family, but solely to him. They know he is terrible with money.

Is it chicken or egg? Does he not have the financial skills because he never had to develop them or are they bailing him out because they see he doesn't have any financial skills?

What is odd here is that this financial support is directed only to him not to his family. This is what seems to be grating for you.

@Sooose He's incredibly academically intelligent but has never had any ambition because well, he's not really needed to.
Yes I do wonder that. For example, my car is an old banger and needs a lot of work. I need to find money for new tyres plus a load of other things. I use my car for work as I travel to various locations daily and to transport our 5 yo daughter to and from school. There is an expectation I find this money myself and sort.
On the other hand his parents gifted him a snazzy new ev car, pay for his electricity and all maintenance including tyres, MOT and service. He could easily bus into work and works from home at least one day a week.
But he is their son I suppose so probably reasonable?