Parents giving you money

[BestBefore2000]

Just curious to know if they still do?
My husband and I feel very differently about this. I'm 45 now but have always been raised to be self-sufficent. I've worked all of my life from the age of 16 (mat leaves only not working), three kids, years of being a single parent. Not wealthy by any stretch, privately renting still as can't afford a suitable mortgage. I do extra hours on Sundays to cover things as my job is term-time only. No benefits except CB. My car is over a decade old now but still works just about!!
Husband is 50 and works ft - earns more than me (around £2,400 net pm). However, his parents still give him a credit card that he is permitted to use for electricity for his car (they bought him a new electric car), bits and pieces of shopping etc. He contributes financially to our young shared daughter only as I have always been happy that my older children (shared care) I take financial responsibility for, along with my ex-husband. Other examples - husband had a nail in tyre the other day and so paid the £150 for a replacement. They also pay for his private dental care and give him extra money so he can pay for family holidays.
This is all alien to me but is it "normal"? I feel given his age it is not, but happy to be proved otherwise.
Edited to add - his parents are by no means well off. They are both in their 80s so have paid off their mortgage (modest 3 bed).

I'm not sure what you want from this thread @BestBefore2000?

You asked if it's normal. Clearly the answers have been that it's normal for some people, not for others.

You asked if your financial setup is reasonable. The overwhelming majority have said that it's not.

You complain about your husband's financial mismanagement and his lack of ambition and blame it on his parents instead of putting the blame where it belongs - on him.

You say self-sufficiency is very important to you, but seem to mostly want to complain about how difficult it is. You actually seem a bit self-pitying.

Your husband isn't contributing fairly. That's on him, not his parents. You're married and share a child. Throw all the money that comes in, including money from his parents, into the pot. Pay the expenses out of the blended pot. Then figure out together what to do with anything left after expenses. It's not difficult.

I don't know how much luck you'll have finding an independent expert to help you sort your budget. Most of them are wealth management types. You don't need someone to work out your budget. You need someone to tell your DH to grow up and contribute fairly. I actually think marriage counselling would be a better bet.

@user2255679541 Marriage counselling won't address the money issues. And exactly who is going to tell him that?
It is on him ultimately but absolutely not helped by his parents who have constantly bailed him out when he should have sorted his own finances out. He has always been given the easy option out of any difficulties which has meant he hasn't ever needed to stand on his own two feet; money management should be taught by parents and it never has been. There is a longstanding over-relliance.
His parents don't give us money - they buy him things for his own personal use.

Also, sharing all finances isn't prudent when he can't manage money. I am not going to be in a position where I am left with nothing at all.

i know a couple who went to marriage counselling- a big part of their difficulties was money and his inability to spend it - he preferred to save. It was complex and he acknowledged the money was a problem but he just couldn’t change, he tried but failed - counselling helped them both to recognise that. He still thought he could make her happy but she understood it was time for a divorce.

Thanks all for some really helpful advice. I'm going to try to look for some extra work/holiday work if I can in the interim and find ways to save. The only paid "hobby" I have is my choir so cancelled that off and immediately £30 a term saved which all helps 😀
Hopefully an independent person is the way to go re advice but time will tell x

But they aren't money issues. They're him issues. It's not really about what they did or didn't teach him or what they do or don't give him. It's about his choices, at the age of 50, in life and in the marriage that are creating the problems. You're big on personal responsibility, but you're not putting that expectation on him.

He could just as easily tell them that instead of paying for things, could they please put money into a joint marital fund that benefits the entire family. But he would have to make some choices that he doesn't want to, about how he works, what concerts he can't go to, etc.

He's being a dick about finances to you. That's not something a financial advisor is going to fix. And by the way, who's going to pay for this advice? Is he going to sting you for half?

@user2255679541 Agreed, but his relationship with money has stemmed from his parents never having the expectation on him, even as a young man, to manage money effectively. He knows he can get into debt, for example, and it will be sorted out for him.and he'll be put back in the clear.
Yes I will have to pay half for the advice. The only time he won't ask his parents for obvious reasons!!!

No doubt having the safety net of parent's money has made him more irresponsible, but it shouldn't have made him more selfish. Evidently his parents are quite generous so you can't blame them when he decides to not help you out, that's his job not theirs.

Regardless of whether they gift to him directly, you should still be seeing the benefits of this. A decent husband would be willing to help cover the costs of your car as his own car costs are covered for him. That is what teamwork is about. The disparity between you both within this marriage is abnormal, borderline financially abusive.

It's not difficult to work out combined income and essential outgoings. Why do you need an independent person to do this for you? You each put your fair share, depending on income, into a joint account. Then keep separate accounts for fun money if you don't want to pool resources fully if he can't be trusted.

Shifting the blame on to you PIL won't achieve anything. You've basically excused his atrocious behaviour as not being his own fault and by doing so you're enabling him as much as his parents have. Is anyone going to hold this man responsible for his own actions? It's not his parents preventing you from getting a haircut, he is. I mean who could enjoy going to a concert whilst their partner can't afford a coffee. Madness.

Draw a hard line in the sand with him pronto because talks of independent financial advisors being required to divvy up bills within a marriage is absurd, they'd laugh you both out of the office, but I'm sure you know that already.

@WelshSlate The problem I have is he is CONVINCED it is him who is in the right, and I am as equally convinced he is not.
Firstly, he believes that by paying into my bank account the money to cover the rent is more than generous. Secondly, he believes it is very easy for me to save a minimum of 25 - 30% of my earnings each month of a "full pay" month to cover all of the weeks I am not working and looking after our 5 yo (all school holidays). He says I should "cut my cloth."
This from the man who couldn't make ends meet last month and so was given money from his parents (around £200) in addition to his earnings which are more than mine!!
I honestly don't know how to make him see how unreasonable he is being, hence hoping someone independent can? He simply WILL NOT accept he is being anything short of generous. I also think he has lead his parents to believe he needs more money because he is paying me "so much." Am I being grabby here? After all, I don't work the school holidays (the nature of my job means the work isn't there non term time) but I do try to secure extra hours where at all possible e.g. evenings and weekends. I do look after our 5 yo obviously when school holidays, I don't just sit on my arse!!

Did you point out that he needed £200 after the cut your cloth comment. Is he really that tone deaf or on the wind up? That would make me see red.

It doesn't matter who is convinced or not, the numbers don't lie.
How much do you make pm? How much does he make pm? What are the outgoings? These things can't really be argued about, they are realties.

Have you explained you not being at work during the holidays means free childcare? I'm pissed off you, he sounds totally useless, immature and self centred.

They may feel they don't need it and their DS might as well have it. I've started giving my adult DD money so she can hopefully save more and I'm starting to think about inheritance tax and what I give her now may be worth 40% more than she will get later.

Say to him…

THESE ARE OUR MONTHLY OUTGOINGS.

THIS IS OUR MONTHLY INCOME.

HERE IS HOW WE ALLOCATE WHAT INCOME COVERS EACH EXPENSE.

HERE IS WHAT WE CAN SAVE.

HERE IS HOW MUCH FUN MONEY WE EACH GET PER MONTH.

End of.

@WelshSlate He says the reason he had to borrow is that he is paying me £1200 out of his £2400 income!!! He already thinks he is paying far too much!
This month I will be bringing in £1485 as it has been a week school holiday. Obviously less at easter and hardly anything over summer.

And that is bad why? He has a safety net I hope your children do too. I assume you would bale them out if you could afford to, or would you let them live on the street if they mucked up? I never understand these threads where having money or being given money is a bad thing. If you can help your children of whatever age, that's what you do be it financial or anything else. The same with your parents if they are the ones struggling.

And perhaps he was always feckless even as a lad so they know he may need help. Someone will come along saying neurodiverse soon.

@catipuss Because they are constantly "bailing him out" when he earns a decent wage in the first place!!!! He should not be in need.

Given you have decided to completely separate finances why are you not credited by him for 50% of what childcare would cost if you worked full time hours and through school holidays?

@time4anothername His answer to that is "Of course you're going to look after herself in the school holidays - you're off!"
I then asked what would happen if I worked the school holidays. He said we would "Have to both take AL to cover it but at different times." Like that would cover it!!! Any we couldn't cover he would ask my parents to have her for which I absolutely don't think would be reasonable as it would of course be long days.
There's an answer for everything but again, not one I see as reasonable.

I would not want to stay married to someone who was happy to see their spouse, and by default, child, struggle for money while they did not.

@user2255679541 He perceives himself to be struggling. He can't save but yet I have to!!

Ok so he's a complete wanker then.

What are your outgoings? Because he is clearly spending money in places you dont know about if he has £1200 spare after giving you money towards rent and he still needed an additional £200 from his parents. Like what the actual fuck is going on here?

Do you even like this man at this point. He's gaslighting you.

Right, but this isn't about money, really. This is about him lacking some kind of basic human trait that I'd want in my husband and the father of my child. Which is why I suggested relationship counselling over whatever kind of financial advice you think you're going to find. I don't even know who'd do that - they generally exist to talk to you about your investments and tax and estate planning. Not to tell your partner he's a walking dildo.

@user2255679541 Yeah don't think I need a man for that tbh!

@WelshSlate Paying off one loan and his overdraft for a start...

😂I wasn't actually thinking in a sexual context, but you know, if the glove fits...

This whole thread is pathetic. You make excuses for him by blaming his parents because you don’t want to confront him with his financial abuse. You are equally to blame because you enable it, not his parents. Leave him and be done with it. Do the thing you accuse him of not doing and be self reliant.