Parents giving you money

[BestBefore2000]

Just curious to know if they still do?
My husband and I feel very differently about this. I'm 45 now but have always been raised to be self-sufficent. I've worked all of my life from the age of 16 (mat leaves only not working), three kids, years of being a single parent. Not wealthy by any stretch, privately renting still as can't afford a suitable mortgage. I do extra hours on Sundays to cover things as my job is term-time only. No benefits except CB. My car is over a decade old now but still works just about!!
Husband is 50 and works ft - earns more than me (around £2,400 net pm). However, his parents still give him a credit card that he is permitted to use for electricity for his car (they bought him a new electric car), bits and pieces of shopping etc. He contributes financially to our young shared daughter only as I have always been happy that my older children (shared care) I take financial responsibility for, along with my ex-husband. Other examples - husband had a nail in tyre the other day and so paid the £150 for a replacement. They also pay for his private dental care and give him extra money so he can pay for family holidays.
This is all alien to me but is it "normal"? I feel given his age it is not, but happy to be proved otherwise.
Edited to add - his parents are by no means well off. They are both in their 80s so have paid off their mortgage (modest 3 bed).

This was unusual for me too. My husband’s parents have more money than my parents. When we first met, they bailed him out of so many situations. I taught him the value of money and it got to a point where they didn’t need to help anymore.

Now that we are all older, they give us the max annual tax free sum each year (dependent on our dependents), because it works better tax wise. I have come around to the fact that this helps with temporary additional costs (childcare) so am honestly happy to accept. It means there will be less taxable inheritance once they pass. My MIL mentioned once that they are happy to help while they are alive so why not capitalise on it

There is only a problem here if the older people are short of money. If this is money they don’t need for anything else then why not give it to their son. Better to give it to him now than give it to the taxman when they die.
My DH and I inherited some money from our parents and we have always considered this family money. If we go out as a family we pick up the bill, if the grandchildren need new shoes we pay for them.
it is often pointed out that we “boomers” have done quite well financially and yet we can’t seem to do right for doing wrong if we spend the money on ourselves we are being selfish, if we give it away we are indulging our children.

it is often pointed out that we “boomers” have done quite well financially and yet we can’t seem to do right for doing wrong if we spend the money on ourselves we are being selfish, if we give it away we are indulging our children.

👏👏👏

I am so sick of our generation being being constantly in the wrong.

no, i would say that this is not normal.

I’ve just read your posts: I’m not sure why you decided to have a third child when your financial situation is so dire that you can’t even afford money for a haircut? Your housing situation doesn’t sound very stable; you’ve been a single parent for many years; you’ve had to take time out (work part-time) of the workforce to look after the 5 year old, and that has affected you financially. On top of that your current husband is a selfish bum. Why didnt you just stick with the two you had? Life would have been so much easier.

@GertiePye Your comment comes across as remarkably sexist tbh. What about the role a father should play? Or is it always just on the mother?

Having a credit card I would say is unusual.
My mum bungs me £100 here and there. I don’t need it but I know my DB takes a substantially higher amount of help from them. I’m the same as you OP, always tried my best to be self sufficient.
My DH and I are currently thinking of ways to help our own DCs out now rather than them having to wait for us to die.

It’s unusual however I’d guess many men wouldn’t admit to financial help from their parents due to pride maybe?

I think it’s good his parents help out like this and shows they’re caring, loving parents. Does he have siblings they help too?

I love treating my grown up dc’s when I can but sadly aren’t well off enough to help them regularly. I do intend on sharing any inheritance I may receive in the future with my dc’s as like a previous poster has said, why wait until you’re dead to pass it on.

You are married so surely you are both benefitting from this. Money given by his parents is saving you money as a couple.

I think you're being precious and a bit 'holier than thou.'

As long as he isn't grovelling to his parents and asking for money, so what if they want to give him money/gifts every now and then. It probably brings them pleasure to see him enjoy it. And I'd say its more common than you think.

Wow this thread is an eye opener.

No help from my mum for at least 25 years until recently she gave me a bit towards a big school trip for my eldest. Dad...never opens his wallet for anything! Retired in his 50s, good pension, just incredibly tight and sees his and his wife's money as for them and their children. I am a single parent, no help whatsoever.

Sensible tax plannng helps avoid inheritance tax

Did he push for that 50/50?

Does it matter? Her ex husband cares for his children an equal amount of the time. He’s not the issue here.

This thread is interesting. As a family we gave things to our parents - bought them a car, new kitchen, renewed all their floors for them, always paid for dinner when we took them out. My sister recalls spending her first pay cheque on an expensive gift for my mother to say thank you for all the hard work she had gone through parenting us.

When I met dh (in the 90's) he had a standing order for years to pay his parents £250/month, his dad retired early due to poor health - he continued that for a good few years until it was decided that they had enough of a nest egg and he should stop. We continued to pay for every outing/meal we took them on.

I guess we had all been really proud of making our own way in life - having gained financial security and independence, enough to pay mum & dad back a bit for all the stuff they'd done for us. There would have been a real shame attached to taking hand outs as an adult - like you had failed and we'd have definitely had been referred to as a sponge. I hear friend's refer to some of their siblings this way - that they are still taking money off their parents and it causes a lot of tension.

In one generation it seems to have all flipped the other way - it feels like parents are now expected to fund their offspring till they hit the grave and beyond.

It's their money. They obviously have more than you thought. Let them do what they want with it.

We moved 80 miles away for my ex-H’s work and each time I visited my mother after that, she’d give me £20 towards the fuel, as well as giving each of the children a £5 or £10 note. It was really a bribe to visit.

When I worked on checkouts in Waitrose a regular customer probably in her mid-40s did small shops (£20-£30) and always used a John Lewis gift card . One day the card didn’t have enough balance left and she said her parents always loaded £250 a month onto her JL card and her sister’s card, and clearly they were “getting dotty and forgetting”. A friend my age used to get £250 a month from her parents too, she said they “had to” gift £3k a year to each of their children, presumably a tax thing?

My AC are all high earners, I’m a hard-up pensioner and I don’t give them money.

@LetsMakeLemonade Unfortunately it's not. It solely benefits him.

I think your dh's suggestion of independent financial advice is actually a good one. I don't know if they usually deal with your situation as I think it's more normally investments etc but your finances do need a reset. We've always had a joint account so all money went in there with the priority that all bills were met. Dd1 pays monies into a household account (agreed amount) for mortgage, utilities etc but her and her dh pay for food alternatively and divy up purchases for dc. I think that's a bit complicated but it seems to be working as they both earn a similar amount. Dd2 has a joint account where all monies go and they each then take out an amount for personal spends, savings etc. Dd2 is the higher earner. I don't think any of them would let their partner go short though.

If your dcs are high earners do they treat you?

@Manthide Oh I think it's a brilliant idea - if such a person even exists.
Because they will be pointing out to him that keeping payments exactly the same over the weeks I am mot working (school holidays) is totally unfair!!
I have tried to explain that he also has Bank of Mum and Dad in addition to this (they pay for his car, electricity for the car, service, MOT, new tyres as just one example) so he's saving huge amounts of money right there which could be used to help support over such periods but it is all just falling on deaf ears.

My mum will help me out with something if it's too expensive for me to get.
Sometimes she'll accept me paying her back, other times she won't.

I thought it was part of being a good parent 🤷🏼‍♂️

@MusicMakesItAllBetter I think a better parent is one who encourages financial independence so their offspring can afford the necessities themselves?

Absolutely not and why would they? We are adults, responsible for our own financial situation. If push same to shove and I was in trouble financially having lost a job and in danger of losing our house, I’m sure they would help if asked. But I would have to ask and it would be a loan with agreed repayment terms up front.

100% agree. His parents have enabled his total selfishness. It's a lesson in how not to bring up your children.