Parents giving you money

[BestBefore2000]

Just curious to know if they still do?
My husband and I feel very differently about this. I'm 45 now but have always been raised to be self-sufficent. I've worked all of my life from the age of 16 (mat leaves only not working), three kids, years of being a single parent. Not wealthy by any stretch, privately renting still as can't afford a suitable mortgage. I do extra hours on Sundays to cover things as my job is term-time only. No benefits except CB. My car is over a decade old now but still works just about!!
Husband is 50 and works ft - earns more than me (around £2,400 net pm). However, his parents still give him a credit card that he is permitted to use for electricity for his car (they bought him a new electric car), bits and pieces of shopping etc. He contributes financially to our young shared daughter only as I have always been happy that my older children (shared care) I take financial responsibility for, along with my ex-husband. Other examples - husband had a nail in tyre the other day and so paid the £150 for a replacement. They also pay for his private dental care and give him extra money so he can pay for family holidays.
This is all alien to me but is it "normal"? I feel given his age it is not, but happy to be proved otherwise.
Edited to add - his parents are by no means well off. They are both in their 80s so have paid off their mortgage (modest 3 bed).

@Existentialistic But they will quite rightly say I am off work in the school holidays so childcare is my duty?

My husbands family and upbringing are hugely different to mine.

Mine were never in the position to help financially due to alcoholism. We lived on emergency credit on the electric always and were thrown out of every home due to unpaid rent. They were very neglectful. I cut them off a very long time ago.

Husbands parents are the opposite, pretty wealthy and sensible about it.

They bought us a house outright.
we’ve never paid rent or utilities since we met..
Theyve paid for our holidays the last 2 years, the most recent inc every meal, and the holiday purchases.

We only pay council tax, fuel, our own mobile and internet bills. That’s it.

He gets their cars when they hit 3 yr old. They almost bought me a car but I got there first - I intentionally don’t tell them! And I could afford it only because they have paid for everything else.

I struggle with this all a lot, which I’m sure sounds batshit, but how can I ever repay these people? I feel guilty because my nature is to give and give back. It’s SO normal to DH and them, and yet mind blowingly generous to me.

i understand why they do it though. They love us and the kids, and it’s probably better to benefit now.

@Horrorchicksocks Do you work? I personally wouldn't be comfortable accepting all of this but we are all different.

Ok then so maybe not childcare but other bills you talk about? I wonder if his parents are aware how he treats you financially. What keeps you in the relationship (apart from your DD)?

Yeah we both do, both employed full time. We’ve juggled childcare alone for 16 years and I’m also self employed on top of it all. DH parents respect our work ethic and wouldn’t be impressed if we didn’t 🤣

@Existentialistic He is a very supportive husband in all other areas - genuinely can't remember the last time I cooked a meal! He brings me a coffee every morning, makes lunches, helps with taking my older child to school etc, helps out with my parents. He does a lot around the house and I never feel like it's not teamwork here. There is so much more he does to make our lives easier.
I don't think he is fully to blame for his relationship with money - I think the world of his mum and dad but bailing him out all of the time (since a child up until now - 50) has done him no favours. I know they mean well but they just don't see how it leaves me struggling.

DH has been given nothing, they were very wealthy till he was around 17. I had 1k given to me by my Mother when I was a teen.

Of the people I know who have ever shared anything about monetary gifts received I do have one friend who has been given at least 250k over her life by her parents. These were the big chunks added up.She was also given regular smaller amounts like £50 here and there.

We got DS his first car and we will help with money towards a house deposit, amount to be decided but DH is feeling far less generous than me.

When DH Mum inherited 80k she took us out for dinner, it was £100 bill. Good few years ago now.

DH and I recently retired in a very good financial position, and we’ve helped our DC out quite a bit. We paid all of their uni fees in the U.S. and gave each a good car when they graduated. We paid for our daughter’s wedding and helped our son furnish and move into his own flat after living with us for three years after uni.

They both have well paid professional jobs and work hard, so why not help them now when they need it.

No that’s not the norm. My parents are kind and generous but by that I mean they would treat me to a meal out and still buy me too much at Christmas. Husbands parents have more money and also very generous but again they would pay for a meal. They have taken us on holiday before for a special treat - but we’ve gone with them, they wouldn’t pay for just us to go.

No you’re misunderstanding, your DH is the 3rd child, unable to deal with basic adult realities, running out of money and unable to reasonably add to the household finances, expecting you to save in order to cover bills while doing the holiday childcare is not normal.

Yes my mam and dad bought my house and gave me some money. Apprciate them so much.

Well two sayings spring to mind, you can't take it with you and there's no point being the richer person in the grave yard. If I am in a financial position to give money away by paying for things for my son then I will. My parents don't for me as such bit did give me some money to go towards a house deposit.l some years ago now

I would say I had a middle class upbringing. Never poor, both parents had good jobs, we went on holidays etc but there was never a lot of money to be spared. Now as they’ve got older, and have more money due to no mortgage, pensions etc they are in a position to help myself and my brother financially. I would never allow my parents to just hand me money but that’s just my mentality, I wouldn’t feel right taking anyone’s money with no intention of paying it back no matter how much they try to give me it. If iv asked for money which has maybe been once or twice in my life I have paid it back.

My brother however uses my parents like a bank machine and has zero morales when it comes to asking for money. He just expects it to be handed to him which is very frustrating to watch as I feel my parents are very easy manipulated by him.

Now I have a daughter, I would never hesitate to give her money when she’s older. We’ve been saving since she was born so when she is older we can buy her a car, help with a house deposit etc. My parents never really saved or planned for that with us but I would never have expected them to just hand me money for these things.

I can see it from all angles and I don’t think there’s a right or a wrong answer. If they have the money and are willing to help and it’s them that are offering without any pressure and it makes them happy then I don’t see anything wrong with it.

Big drip feed here. No! He’s financially abusing you both. He’s not contributing to basic bills, food etc, and doesn’t even cover the rent. How much money does he keep for personal spending?

I’ll say it again - this is not about the parents’ gifts. You need to restructure your family finances to make you feel more supported and secure. I wouldn’t care how many meals he made if I was awake at night over bills and it was my sole responsibility.

Work out a plan and present it to him. Then work out a Plan B (a second/ different job, selling stuff, increasing mortgage etc) and tell him if he can’t support you more, this is what’s going to happen.

You’re allowing yourself to be distracted from the real issues here.

@Silverbirchleaf He says that the just over £1k he gives me per month IS enough - it pretty much covers all the rent.
But this doesn't increase when I'm not working.
I can't get sick as I don't get paid - have had one half day off in 1.5 years

@theresnolimits Thanks. I already work a second job. We don't have a mortgage as we privately rent.
I will try to have abother word with him but he will just say the same thing. He thinks what he pays me is more than enough!

What!!! This blows my mind. I've not asked my parents for money since I left home. I'm a single mum and have been for 6 years. I'm proud to say in all that time I've never asked them for money. Not even when I was buying my own house and on my absolute knees, or when my car was written off two weeks ago and I needed to buy a new car unexpectedly.

However I am aware this happens. My ex's parents do this with him all the time. They didn't galive money to him when we were together, but did give him cars. However since we separated they have given him loads. They gave him £40k when we separated so he could buy a house. Have given him numerous cars when his break after he's not cared for them. Baled him out financially lots of times. His Mum even still does his washing and provides free childcare wrap for our child when they are with him. Unfortunately some people have more support from parents than others, but I'd personally be mortified to go to my parents cap in hand.

It is unlikely that he would have fulfilled his potential in any case. More to do with his character and laziness than any financial support from parents making him ‘too comfortable’.

This is so true. Our own two grown up children benefit hugely from our now cash rich status having liquidised all assets. They have worked really hard to get to where they are in their professional careers and do so I believe because they grew up watching their parents do this and seeing the ultimate rewards. Us gifting them a house deposit etc has not demotivated them in the least. They have a work ethic and gain fulfillment in doing a good job.

He’s poncing off a pair of pensioners. I’d be ashamed of him and would lose all respect for him. Sod the tax man; he should be encouraging them to splash out on themselves and enjoy their retirement.

Also, the fact that you can’t afford to take a day off sick if you need to, while he’s having his mum and dad put food in your cupboard, is fucking disgusting. This is not a man I would have married. Don’t you feel uncared for? If the situation were reversed, would you let him go off to work when he really needed to be in bed?

@WilfredsPies I get that, but I literally can't afford to take time off poorly as it is unpaid. I am just hoping the menopause is kind to me as already peri 🙏
I have spoken to his parents but they won't listen - they like to give him money and he has no qualms with taking it

@Silverbirchleaf Tbf I would never had the expectation that it was down to just him to pay the rent.

My exdh is Greek and all the time we lived in Greece (about 10 years) his parents used to give him a monthly allowance. They also used to send us food. Exdh used that to mean his job was just his hobby (self employed) and he didn't care he couldn't make a profit. Unfortunately he used this money mostly on himself meaning we were constantly having our electric cut off and the telephone - the water was even cut off once. In the end I said we had to go to UK and get proper jobs. The money from his parents stopped when we left Greece. Perhaps if they'd been wealthy enough to give a large lump sum (though they had given dh lots of money for his business equipment) but I felt that it was keeping us there but we were still desperate. He never went to their funerals.

You are probably working at a loss financially as the cost of living has gone up so much in the last couple of years. He is being selfish by not taking this into consideration. I would be sitting down together and working out all outgoings. Does he realise how tight this is for you? Why should you struggle while he spoils himself. You are married he should be sharing with you. It’s great that he can be a good dad/step dad. But it sounds financially controlling to an extent. The issue isn’t really his lack of ambition or relying on his parents it is that he is burying his head and letting you deal with it.