Parents giving you money

[BestBefore2000]

Just curious to know if they still do?
My husband and I feel very differently about this. I'm 45 now but have always been raised to be self-sufficent. I've worked all of my life from the age of 16 (mat leaves only not working), three kids, years of being a single parent. Not wealthy by any stretch, privately renting still as can't afford a suitable mortgage. I do extra hours on Sundays to cover things as my job is term-time only. No benefits except CB. My car is over a decade old now but still works just about!!
Husband is 50 and works ft - earns more than me (around £2,400 net pm). However, his parents still give him a credit card that he is permitted to use for electricity for his car (they bought him a new electric car), bits and pieces of shopping etc. He contributes financially to our young shared daughter only as I have always been happy that my older children (shared care) I take financial responsibility for, along with my ex-husband. Other examples - husband had a nail in tyre the other day and so paid the £150 for a replacement. They also pay for his private dental care and give him extra money so he can pay for family holidays.
This is all alien to me but is it "normal"? I feel given his age it is not, but happy to be proved otherwise.
Edited to add - his parents are by no means well off. They are both in their 80s so have paid off their mortgage (modest 3 bed).

If financially comfortable, better to pass on as many liquid assets/cash while still alive, rather than the government taking an outrageous 40% in inheritance tax.

Why?

Regular, monthly payments from parents is an alien concept for me

If your estate is likely to be subject to IHT, then giving regular payments to your kids from your income is actually a very tax efficient thing to do. I intend to do this for my kids if I am in a position to do so, even if they are financially independent. I will also help with house deposits if I can.

My mum and dad used to give occasional larger sums at Christmas, anything up to £5000, I think this happened about three times over the years. Although we are financially independent, this was very much appreciated, and allowed us to get a better car, or take our kids to Disney. Mum also used to take me and my sister away on holiday most years. She was very generous. I hope to be with my adult kids too.

You’re right…we go by the saying ‘no pockets in a shroud’.
My DC have an excellent work ethic and are doing well professionally.
DH and I come pretty much from nothing, however we have done very well financially through professional careers and love sharing both our time and money with our DC. Who else are we going to give it to.

My experience has shown me that constantly subsidising one's offspring tends to lead to young people who cannot budget or save. These offspring are also being robbed of the satisfaction that comes from working hard, achieving and doing well in life. As the OP describes, you can end up with a 50 year old man who depends on his geriatric parents to cover everyday expenses.

If one is in the fortunate position of being able to financially help offspring, then one-off assistance eg to help with a down payment on a home or to pay for education or a loft extension when a grandchild is born (just examples) makes sense, as it is far less likely to turn offspring into unmotivated and dependent adults.

I agree with you, there's a difference between giving money to avoid taxes and a 50 year old man dependent on his 80 year old parents for basic little stuff.

Having said that you still married him and had a child with him knowing he is a 50 year old man who can't manage his finances enough to be independent and needs mummy and Daddy's credit cards to survive so I'm not sure why it's upsetting you now.

He comes across as a childish immature man child. It's not even help for his kids or family it's money from his elderly parents for beer, fox his tyre and somehow you found him attractive enough to marry.

It's not that outrageous, the nil rate is pretty generous for married couples. For most of those paying IT it will be through unearned wealth , the massive increase in house prices.

If you have the money it’s entirely common and sensible.

DH has received 1.5k a month for years from his parent. His parent is borderline wealthy in a considerable estate that frankly would only be eaten up by inheritance tax. It’s much better for his children’s lives to be made easier when they have young families than have a bigger lump sum when they’re older and have already funded their own lives.

A spoilt lazy child will be a spoilt lazy adult regardless of their parents income, having more wealth doesnt automatically mean your children will be unmotivated lazy adults.

My parents helped me when they could, they would give me money randomly. My dad used to ask me if I had enough money I’d say yes I’m fine but he would send me some into my bank.
Dhs parents haven’t given him a penny even if they had it they wouldn’t.
We help our children as much as we can and will continue to do so for as long as we are able. We can’t take it with us and I’d never see them struggle. If they need extra pounds to buy some shopping then I’ll make sure they have it

Is he flighty/laissez faire in other areas of his life as well? As a dad/husband/ contributing to bills/household? Does he actually have a lot more disposable income than you due to his parents giving him money? Are his wants and needs met , while you and your kids are scrimping and saving? Is this where your resentment is coming from?

I’m mid 50’s and help my 37 year old DS, I can’t imagine not helping if I’m an able.
I’ve always been the helper rather than the helped.

I don't intend to be the parent who insists my kids do all the caring when I'm elderly - I will have the money to pay someone else to do that. So if I pass away quickly they'll be very well off, with time and money - and if we take my own sweet time and need a few years of care, there will be enough provision for that well before everyone gets exhausted - they will own their own time. I don't intend to burden my kids as I age.
We all have our priorities, but I firmly believe in not burdening my kids with my old age care - other people help their kids in other ways.

My experience is that you are incorrect.

Mine work hard, know how to budget, save, manage money. Comes from being at the kitchen table of self employed parents who worked and worked and worked. Who taught them the value of hard work paying off, of not owing anyone, of paying your way and doing an honest days work.

Now, those self employed parents are reaping the rewards of that work and are treating their offspring. To holidays, concert tickets, money for feck all, money for making life bloody easier. Said offfspring have immense personal satisfaction from their degrees, their work ethic, their career, their happy adult relationships with their loving and present parents.

And the parents (us) enjoy many many holidays a year, nice cars, nice house, treating their adult kids, helping out their adult kids, giving generously to the community and charity.

Not everything has to be a bloody chore.

Thanks all - it has been an eye-opener to discover that lots of parents seem to be giving money to their adult children (including already wealthy ones). It is something I've not seen in my own marriages and so unusual to me.
I think for me the biggest issue it that my husband has always depended financially on his parents and this has meant a lack of self-motivation if you see what I mean? Why work to move up the ladder at work if you know you will get a shiny new car and holidays paid for by someone else? As I've said before, he is a very intelligent man but never really made the most of that intelligence. He didn't finish uni despite more than enough ability to do so and this has absolutely held him back careerwise. If someone offered me the chance to do further education funded by my work there is absolutely no way I would be turning it down!
But he has - several times.
In fact, I have wanted desperately to do my Masters in years - even went as far as the (very intense) interview process and being offered a place - but had to turn it down as I simply couldn't afford the time off to do it (plus another student loan - I'm still paying off my first one!!) But it's not through want of trying.

See now i would hate the thought that you got a place on the masters and had to turn it down cos of money.
If I knew you, and i knew that you could thrive if only you got the cash, Id probably offer to pay for it.
I do not understand having the money in the bank and watching others being held back for the want of it. Not people i know and love and care about.

@Doteycat But as I've said, my concern is my husband hasn't aspired to fulfil his potential.

I understand that, but on that note, if hes been so subsidised, why does he not have the funds to put you through the masters?

@Doteycat It would have meant me going part-time which I couldn't have afforded to do without any extra support from anyone. I cried when the uni called to offer me the place as I never for one second thought I'd be smart enough to be accepted but I knew I'd have to turn it down once I'd worked out the cost. It was a lifelong dream, it really was.
My husband would say he can't afford that level of extra money. When I get extra hours he reduces what he pays me as is.

I understand, and thank you for taking the time to reply.
I do think you are in a difficult situation tbh, your dh getting funds from his folks notwithstanding.
Reducing his contribution when you get extra hours is shitty behaviour.

I have never had any financial support from dm no house deposit or anything i didn’t ask but if i needed it i am sure she would of lent me money

dsis on the other hand has been a financial nightmare all her adult life and has borrowed tens of thousands of pounds from dm and never paid it back. Its done her no favours as she never learnt to save for things or to budget

we are nc now when it came to light she was helping herself to dm account and i refused to do an equity release on dm house and she then made it incredibly difficult for me to see dm

dm is now in a care home and her house was being rented out. Dsis house has just gone up for sale as i presume the interest only mortgage is due to be repaid and she has no way of repaying it as was relying on her inheritance from dm. Ironically most of her financial problems the debt she got into constantly was doing her house up and holidays. She will be moving into dm house i have no idea if dm is self funded or not but not sure what dsis will do when dm dies if the care home needs paying and the equity release mortgage needs paying back she won’t of thought that far ahead she never does. Depends on how much longer dm lives there may be enough for a deposit on another house especially as she convinced dm to remove me as poa i presume she’s also had her cut me out of the will

I am in a terrible financial situation, working a zero hours contract, house basically falling down around my ears. My parents like to go away on cruises, all inclusives, guided tours almost every month. Dm is always buying clothes, had to buy new diamonds for their 60th etc. It's their money and it is fine, I'm an adult and not their responsibility. Dm does sometimes offer to buy something or pay for something but tbh I'd rather she just gave me a lump sum so I could chose where to spend it but she likes to pull the strings. Just feels easier to decline.

Op I'm half way through your comments
What are your finances with him ?.they sound sperate because if you had the same pot you maybe happy they are helping out.

I think it's great and something to be thankful for.

As long as it doesn't come with strings or control.

In my experience this is pretty normal. I wouldn’t say my parents “support” me financially and I’m definitely fairly self sufficient but they are very generous and would definitely never see me in a bind financially. They usually pay for a holiday for us yearly, they help with nursery cost and pay for my kids clubs, I’ve tried telling them we don’t need all this and I’d rather they treat themselves but my father is adamant that this is what he wants to spend his money on and making sure his grandchildren are supported is his biggest joy. I genuinely believe they are proud that now in their later years being able to provide for their grandchildren is all they want.

a friend of mine recently had to sell her car to pay for private medical treatment for her child, obviously I’m not privy to her parents finances but having known the family for 25 years I find it hard to believe this was the only option (an opinion I keep to myself!) I have absolutely no doubt that if I was in the same position, there would be no discussion required and my parents would pay without question.

They sound like lovely supportive parents who want to support their son. I think its nice they want to help. Also they may think let's give him some money now when it will come in handy, instead of him paying loads of inheritance tax when they die.

My only sibling died 2 years ago after being unable to see a gp and being given antibiotics by practice nurses as if they were smarties (it was cancer). Dm wonders now whether they should have paid for a private consultation for him (db was disabled through an accident but found fit to work and was on benefits). They trusted the NHS and db might have declined anyway but I know dm was upset by what ifs.