Parents giving you money

[BestBefore2000]

Just curious to know if they still do?
My husband and I feel very differently about this. I'm 45 now but have always been raised to be self-sufficent. I've worked all of my life from the age of 16 (mat leaves only not working), three kids, years of being a single parent. Not wealthy by any stretch, privately renting still as can't afford a suitable mortgage. I do extra hours on Sundays to cover things as my job is term-time only. No benefits except CB. My car is over a decade old now but still works just about!!
Husband is 50 and works ft - earns more than me (around £2,400 net pm). However, his parents still give him a credit card that he is permitted to use for electricity for his car (they bought him a new electric car), bits and pieces of shopping etc. He contributes financially to our young shared daughter only as I have always been happy that my older children (shared care) I take financial responsibility for, along with my ex-husband. Other examples - husband had a nail in tyre the other day and so paid the £150 for a replacement. They also pay for his private dental care and give him extra money so he can pay for family holidays.
This is all alien to me but is it "normal"? I feel given his age it is not, but happy to be proved otherwise.
Edited to add - his parents are by no means well off. They are both in their 80s so have paid off their mortgage (modest 3 bed).

if they stop though it sounds like he will not step up and that will be worse for you.

@lemonts Yes I absolutely have the better work ethic. I studied hard at school and uni which meant a degree and now allows me to be flexible in my hours. My husband is far more intelligent than me, had better opportunities, but yet has never really progressed in his job (despite being offered some fantastic opportunities).

Nope, ever since I became and adult I was expected to stand on my own two feet. Would have been amazing to get support every now and then but wouldn't have dreamed of asking for it, we were just expected to make our own way.

But you don't maximise your earnings and take state handouts so how is that better? You work very short hours and are subsidised by the taxpayer, how is that a good work ethic? I don't blame you and I personally don't think you are doing anything wrong but I don't really have the old protestant work ethic or consider that it is something to be proud of!

@lemonts I really don't think CB for two kids is "being subsidised by the taxpayer." Are you suggesting I don't take it and struggle to pay the rent? We get nothing else whatsoever.
I also don't work very short hours. I have a 5 yo so have to consider her - getting her to and from school etc. I average about 8 hrs per day and then extras in evenings and weekends whenever I can secure work. Is that short working hours?!!!

I am suggesting that your moral superiority about subsidies and work ethic is misplaced and that in many peoples opinion it is far more moral to be supported by your own family than it is to expect taxpayers to subsidise you. By your own admission CB allows you to pay your rent, so pretty much the definition of being subsidised by the state.

Dp earns 32k and I'm on minimum wage and get between 19k and 20k a year depending on if I can get overtime
We average a take-home of 3.4k a month together
Mortgage is 1k we have 14k of debt due to needing house repairs eg roof that have only come up in the last year we pay about 400 a month for that
Our gas and electric is 250 a month
We have no parking near the house as we live in the centre of a town so have to pay for monthly use of a local car park which is 100 per month for both cars
Council tax is 200 but reportedly going up again soon
We can't manage to go down to one car for 3 more years until both kids are in secondary and catching the bus

We manage ok but are not rolling in spare money we have £250 in savings but if we had to pay for those things as well it would wipe us out

My parents don't give me any money - dh's don't either. We give very little money to our kids - even though we have plenty. We'll pay for dinner when they come out with us (which is quite often) and we'll partially pay for holidays if they come with us. They are in good financial shape - they manage to save about £1000 a month. Money is not love - time is love.

@lemonts Do you receive CB?

This thread isn't about me :)

But no!

I've never asked or been offered any money from my parents. They both had a hard start in life, particularly df, and were never given anything for nothing. They are now in their 80s gallivanting the world. Occasionally if I've mentioned something eg dd3 going on a camp dm offers to pay but I feel it's my responsibility so never accept. Also dm can be very controlling if she does pay for something as a gift eg for a birthday so I'd rather not go there. I'm partially sighted, work part time and am on UC so I can't afford to give money to my dc. One is still at school but the other 3 are earning much more than me.

I give mine both time and money, as I say love seeing them benefit from it!

Richest person in the graveyard I won’t be.

@Throwawaynamechange9876 Similar, although our CT is £75 pm more than yours currently and rent over the £1k mark - it's really difficult isn't it? Do you receive any other support? One of my friends is adamant we would on our wages but Isure we don't qualify!!!

@lemonts Relatively wealthy then. Of course you are.

Dd1's dh still gets money from his parents though he earns very well. They pay for his mobile, sky and the cost of a 5 star holiday every year. I recently asked ds (22) to send me the £10 monthly cost of his mobile phone contract as its still in my name - he only moved out last month and started a permanent job.

You have no idea of my circumstances whatsoever and this thread is not about me. But I have clearly touched a nerve by pointing out the inconsistencies in your position. Maybe reflect on that rather than trying to make this about me. You clearly assign a lot of importance to your identity as self sufficient and as I said attach a level of moral superiority to that. Objectively you are no better or worse that your husband you just have different situations and experiences but you are unabale to accept that and feel compelled to consider him 'less than' on the basis that he doesn't think exactly like you. That is far more of an issue than his parents subbing him occasionally.

My parents gave me money, then afterwards made it clear they wanted certain things in return so I gave it back.

I think there is a difference in him blatantly relying on them for day to day living - (to me thats not normal once you are working full time but especially at his age) to accepting a lump sum in order to afford a holiday of a life time or household renovations for example.
My parents are quite well off and I have had a lot of help over the years from my parents in terms of financial "gifts" like a large deposit put down on our first home, wedding paid for and then various other items/situations through the years. We emigrated and then a few years later decided to come back to the UK. They helped us financially by buying us a car as we didn't have jobs to come back to. The difference was, they offered to help/insisted which was accepted. But we were completely expecting to manage on our own.
However relying on pensionable age parents for day to day stuff like fuel, dental bills etc is strange to me. I was made redundant a good few years ago and never had any financial help during that time. They probably would have done if we had asked for it, but we dont like to ask, and preferred to see sticky situations through ourselves. From time to time my Dad will treat the family to money if he has cashed an ISA in, or had a win on the premium bonds etc. At age 53, there's no way I would go cap in hand to my Dad and ask for money for day to day things. I'm a grown working woman and responsible for my own finances.
I have a 23yr old DS who has a full time job. He pays his own bills, own dental care, petrol etc. He never asks for money and I dont pay for anything day to day wise. I am glad he isn't relying on us financially. However I do treat/gift him from time to time as I see fit/want.

Varies in our family, my dad regularly treats us to things like dinner out, days out, weekends away. He also often buys us gifts of things we wouldn’t splash out on ourselves (like if I mentioned my straighters were on the way out, a set of GHDs might turn up). He is very much in the camp of enjoy your money while you can.

My mum helped us out with practical things when the kids were small and money was very tight, like treat foods, nice home cooked dinners etc but wouldn’t give us money as such and definitely less so as we’ve become more financially secure.

DH parents never give / spend anything on us beyond token birthday & Christmas gifts.

I think I’d like to be able to offer the extras / treats to my children once they are adults. And would never see them short if they are genuinely struggling but wouldn’t want to be paying for their petrol at 40/50 year old.

DS is in his 30s, works extremely hard and earns a good wage. He bought a property last year with his fiancée after years of renting and have quite a large mortgage. We weren't in a position to give him a large lump sum for the deposit but paid for various things like the conveyancing and the survey to help out.
We have just given him a much larger than usual amount for his birthday so they could have a holiday. He is an only child so it's easier.
He is very good with money and has never, ever asked for financial help. Even as a child he rarely asked for anything which is why we are probably happy to gift him money when we can.

“All ends up with tax man anyways”

No it really doesn’t. For more modest estates including the home, there can be £0 tax to pay due to thresholds and exemptions. Even on larger estates, it’s 40% on part of the estate over the threshold and after allowances.

Completely agree with spending it earlier and that it’s a bonus if it saves inheritance tax but your statement is wrong!

My parents give me and sister money at Xmas and bd (more than probably normally would happen as neither of us have kids) and might help us if struggling but we'd pay them back if they gave us money for anything other than other than a gift, if your hubby is expecting handouts he's a bit of a flake if you ask me.

My Mam didn't have much but she gave me money for coal for my fire,paid my girls bus money and if I fancied bingo paid for that,give my girls pocket money weekly,why ? Because she had the money to do so then but didn't years ago,she didn't have much when she died suddenly but what she did have she left to me in cash and i have 5 other siblings alive..they never minded as they all have great jobs,I came back from the UK to spend time with her as she got older and helped her out alot,funnily some of our parents love us and want to help us while they are still alive

Exactly this.
DH and I are comfortable. We have one child in their early 30s. We take them and their partner away for weekends, out for meals or days out and pick up the tab. The way we see it is he will benefit when we die but we won’t see him enjoying our money. If he has children we are likely to give a fixed amount towards household expenses whilst his partner is on maternity leave.
DH and I don’t need all the money we have at the moment, what’s the point of watching our child struggle whilst we wave from our posh car (so to speak)?