Parents giving you money

[BestBefore2000]

Just curious to know if they still do?
My husband and I feel very differently about this. I'm 45 now but have always been raised to be self-sufficent. I've worked all of my life from the age of 16 (mat leaves only not working), three kids, years of being a single parent. Not wealthy by any stretch, privately renting still as can't afford a suitable mortgage. I do extra hours on Sundays to cover things as my job is term-time only. No benefits except CB. My car is over a decade old now but still works just about!!
Husband is 50 and works ft - earns more than me (around £2,400 net pm). However, his parents still give him a credit card that he is permitted to use for electricity for his car (they bought him a new electric car), bits and pieces of shopping etc. He contributes financially to our young shared daughter only as I have always been happy that my older children (shared care) I take financial responsibility for, along with my ex-husband. Other examples - husband had a nail in tyre the other day and so paid the £150 for a replacement. They also pay for his private dental care and give him extra money so he can pay for family holidays.
This is all alien to me but is it "normal"? I feel given his age it is not, but happy to be proved otherwise.
Edited to add - his parents are by no means well off. They are both in their 80s so have paid off their mortgage (modest 3 bed).

@Poptartz Yes as I'm term-time only I have our little one ft over the holidays.

I can see why it's making you feel uncomfortable. I'm all for helping out my kids, I didn't take rent from my eldest when she first started working as she was saving for a car. If either of them had a big expense and were short then I'd help them out without a doubt. I pay for meals and pay for them to come on holiday if they want to come with us. They are both generous and will pay for treats / coffees/lunches for us within their budgets too so it's not all one way.

But I wouldn't want them being dependant on me paying for all their day to day basic expenses. I'd worry how they'd be able to manage if I wasn't able to keep paying.

Not normal; slightly strange imho - a bit controlling too, almost defining him primarily as their son because he is financially dependent on them, rather than an adult & your husband.
In comparison, my parents are well off and rarely give anyone in the family anything!
Mine are naive from a tax planning perspective, and DF won’t talk about it - although they do give some money to charities.

Edit - like other posters, we help our adult DC with (what we think are) appropriate sums when significant things happen, ie property purchases (2/4 done so far) Not massive amounts but something to help out at challenging times. Also like other PPs we wouldn’t want them to be reliant on us for daily living costs. It’s a privilege to be able to help them, really.

Yes it’s normal. My friend’s parents have gifted her two houses.

Excellent approach. We like seeing our children of any age happy and having a better life than us. Also might stop some of their money being gobbled up by profligate councils on old age care and/or reduce inheritance tax exposure.

Thank you, you are very kind to write this to me.

I will help my children as much as I can when they are adults, especially if they are going through a hard time. I hadn't thought of it this way!

My parents have helped me financially, and I in turn provide financial support to my young adult son.

I am 50 and my mum still gives me money (that I share with my DH). She is also generous towards my kids. In a way it’s getting inheritance early.

We in turn plan to give our kids deposits for their first property and I hope we will be in a position to help them in the future as well

It's not normal in my circle at all but I have an only child & would want to help him out in the future but it's a tricky balance isn't it? I don't want him to depend on bank of mum & dad but equally I'd want to make his life easier when he needs it & I suppose to a certain extent so I can see the benefits (& perhaps selfishly feel happy that I've helped him).

I feel there are circumstances where it can be normal if your parents are well off, but also circumstances where it isn’t normal.

80 year old parents giving their 50 year old son a credit card which is he “permitted to use” seems completely bonkers to me and almost embarrassing.

My family have never been in a position to help me out since becoming an adult, so I am not accustomed to that. Don’t get me wrong they will pay for a meal if we all go out etc, but that is as far as it goes.

My partners family are much more well off and they have helped us with large financial purchases, like contributing towards our deposit when we bought our first house and helping my other half with the purchase of a new van for his business, they also contribute towards our monthly childcare costs. But they would never offer to pay for holidays, or fuel or any day to day spending, nor would be expect it. We are both hardworking individuals with a young family, so I understand their want of helping us get on our way, if we did nothing and sat on our a**es all day then they would not help.

We will be in a position to contribution to our children’s first care, first houses etc when they get to that age and I’m proud of that. However I wouldn’t be giving them credit cards when they are in their 50’s! There is a time and a place for financial help.

It’s a mindset thing as well as a ‘if you have it thing’

My DM will buy a decent Christmas / birthday gift but makes sure you are very aware of the cost and any effort that went in to getting the gift. She expects to be brought for meals and abroad for holidays / short breaks and paid for. When I had children she made it clear she would do paid childcare but I would need to treat it as a favour. It’s very much a what are you doing for me attitude and to be honest it leaves a sour taste. I’m happy to treat my Mum but I hate the expectation all the time.

My MIL is generous but not to the OPs in laws extent. She will pay for family dinners and that kind of thing.

Yes, but a one offs not a credit card 😂.

Like money to go backpacking with, towards a wedding, a new car when mine got written off, pay for holidays for us to all go on togther.

So I know my parents helped my single 50+ year old DSis with bills / expenses when she got cancer as she couldn't work as often. I think that is normal.

My parents treat us to meals and contributed to family holidays e.g. my dad's 80th, we went away, he paid for half of it.

But regular bills for us, no.

I do it! Rather see them enjoy it now, can’t see it when I’m dead!

Not normal at 50! My parents helped me out in university and with a first house deposit but that’s it. I would feel uncomfortable taking money from them now.. kids need to stand on their own two feet once they have a job and have established themselves. I don’t intend to help my kids out indefinitely.

OP - I agree with you, and it must be hard to be with someone who has different values to yourself. My parents never gave me anything apart from modest birthday and Christmas gifts - same for my DH. Very modest inheritance (not enough to pay IHT as they weren’t wealthy). Have had our lean times over the years, but I would much rather be independent financially, and we have encouraged our own DC to do the same. Happy to give for house deposits, weddings but day to day living expenses -no way. I wouldn’t be doing my adult DC any favours by encouraging dependence (and yes they have turned out to be hard working, responsible, well paid adults who don’t sponge off us). Job done.

It’s a similar situation with me and my partner, like you I’ve always been really self sufficient, I saved my own deposit for my first property in my early twenties and since being an adult I haven’t had/wanted/needed financial help from anyone. My partner on the other hand, his parents will still fork out loads of money on things for him and his sibling (most recently they bought him a new car), as they say that their children will get all their inheritance anyway so they’d rather they funnel it to them while they’re still around to be able to see them enjoy it. I get the concept of it but it’s incredibly foreign to me!

I don’t think you sound selfish at all, I agree with your view on it. I think it makes him look immature to go begging for money from his parents for a ticket he “can’t afford” and for me, I couldn’t take a man like that seriously.

I wouldn't have that amount to give my adult children. I have to force the odd bit of money on them when I know they need it.

Both of mine are child free. If they had kids, I'd be trying to help the whole family, not just my DC.

My husband and I are the same ages as you and your husband. We are self sufficient and don't get money from our parents and I think that is something to be proud of.

We are getting to the stage now where are parents are starting to consider giving away some money and we will accept it gratefully as we have expensive times coming up our kids needing driving lessons and potentially going to uni. However we could manage without it.

I wouldn't like getting an allowance from parents either as I like standing on my own 2 feet. Maybe that's just cause it's never been on the table though!

Okay, so you're back tracking on what you said earlier about them not being well off. Fine. They do seem to be very generous with their money, and are taking the attitude that they're rather spend it on their son and grandkids whilst they're alive to watch them reap the benefits.

I think him asking them to pay for basics is a bit myself, given what they're already forking out for him and their grandchild. But you take the view that the grandparents spending on your daughter (via a trust fund) is none of your concern so no reason you shouldn't take the same approach to their spending on your husband. Just leave them all to it and don't give it any more headspace.

I see where you are coming from as they are paying for an ongoing essential - does his sister get the same?

My parents give us generous birthday gifts (not money, maybe tickets or similar) and are also very generous with their time, providing childcare regularly and looking after our dog when we go away. Mum is a retired teacher and had a garden classroom for them during lockdown when rules permitted.

DH's mum lives further away. Their family don't do presents of "things" as such, but she does slip him a cheque most times she sees him and/or treats us to dinner. When she sold her holiday home she split the proceeds between herself, DH and his brother which was really kind.

My parents gave me £65,000 last year. They also paid 2 x £50'000 school fee bills. Prior to their retirement (4 years ago) they gave us nothing (and we expected nothing).

My in-laws have never given us anything despite being comfortable and that's perfectly fine.

I'm 47 and we are comfortable financially (without the gifts) but we would have had to consider the school fees very carefully without my parents' support.

Same here.

We have two young adult children still living with us and I probably get more pleasure in providing for them than myself (they both work hard).

Does this worry you that you may be liable for inheritance tax if they die in next 7 years ? Genuine question . As it would be a lot of money to find ? Obviously I don’t know their ages or health status and hope that they live much longer of course but it would worry me and immediately sprung to my mind ..