Men of Mumsnet come hither and tell...

[TooBigForMyBoots]

...what do you do to further the lot of women and children? What do you do to lessen the threat to us?

I've been a lone parent since DS and DD were in primary school. Prior to that I was a very hands-on and involved co-parent. My DCs know that child-rearing is something that men can, and should, be doing because I was the one who was there to celebrate their successes, support them through their problems, cook their dinners, wipe their bums when they were tiny, drive them around and read their bedtime stories. Now that my mother is elderly and infirm I've taken on the bulk of the work to help support her, too.

I've frequently pointed out structural misogyny and the influence of patriarchy to my DCs when such opportunities occur. I used to call myself a feminist until my arse was handed to me on MN for that so now I describe myself as a supporter of feminism.

Thankfully I've not been in a situation where I've had to physically intervene in a situation where a man was attacking a woman. If I was confronted with that then my actual response would depend on the circumstances but I wouldn't just ignore it.

I do, and have, challenged my friends/family/colleagues when they come out with something misogynistic (or racist etc). I've deliberately dropped a few friends and family members along the way for this when they kept doing it.

When I'm out and about I try to be aware of not accidentally scaring women so I've crossed over the street etc. I'm not a small man and I know I can unwittingly look scary but I hate knowing I've put someone on edge.

Compared to the crap women have to put up with I am happy to have the occasional arse handing.

Being challenged is how we learn.

A lot more men could do with a bit of arse handing.

I saw this happen once. A bloke smacking a woman around at a taxi rank. One male witness didn’t hesitate to go in and whack the guy, at which point BOTH the Man & the Woman he’d been hitting turned on him, and the brave witness ended up in a pretty bad way. I would not blame anyone at all, Man or Woman for not physically intervening.

Can I post on behalf of my DP?

When hired as manager of a team with a noticeable gender pay gap (8%) he used his discretionary part of the pay increase budget for three years to bring every female employee to the same level as her male colleagues. When he left there was no pay gap at all in his section.

If men are on MN they are clearly here for parenting support. Why do you need to know what they do for women? Raising a child might be more of an issue for them at the moment than showboating what they do to help women on the internet!

I’m embarrassed for you for not having sufficient vocabulary to explain your thinking.

If he believes that a trans identified man is actually a woman would he be happy to be intimate with a trans identified man?

Yep. It’s really not as simple as “I would bash him on the head” or whatever. My DH got into an altercation with a man who was assaulting a woman and guess who got arrested and charged? My DH. The other guy was free to carry on merrily assaulting women .

My interpretation of this is that the victim in a violent relationship tends to be trauma bonded to the perpetrator. I think that is part of why the victim's first impulse tends to be to defend the perpetrator.

I would also spray a man in the eyes with hairspray to defend a woman or child or an other man.

That's terrible but I would still do anything to save a woman or child or an other man even if it meant going to jail. It's in my nature I couldn't just turn the other cheek. And maybe if everyone was willing to put themselves in the line for other people then things would be better for everyone

If I was a large violent man and some woman sprayed hairspray in my eyes I'd probably beat the shit out of her.

I'm barred from my local live music pub because I kicked up a fuss about their unisex toilets being unsafe.

I work with a lot of young men and call them out when their talk veers towards the misogynistic. I do the same if I hear it in the pub. (Generally the old men in the pub tend to be worse than the young ones, which brings me hope)

I continue to vote for my MP partially because she's a massive TERF.

I try to make sure that things at home are split 50 / 50, and that DD see's me as a good role model for a future husband (although it turns out she's gay, so I don't have to worry on that front.)

I give my brother shit about the fact that he's often a crap husband, although it seems to have fallen on deaf ears.

I've helped my SIL escape a violent marriage.

I intervene when I see a woman who looks like she's in trouble, and generally I can get away with it because I'm big and look scary. I did still get my nose broken for it a couple of years ago though.

In short, I try. Is there more I could do, probably.

I hear you and I’d certainly like to be able to step in and help someone who was being assaulted. I just don’t really want to die though. Whilst I’m quite strong for a woman in her late 40s, I’m considerably weaker than the majority of men. My DS has been stronger than me since he was about 13/14. I would try to help in some way (calling the police/creating a scene/calling for any nearby men to come and help…) but I’m not getting into a physical altercation. (I would for my children but that’s because I would be willing to die if it would save them- I can’t say the same for a stranger).

In the same vein, I would never jump into the sea to try and save someone, because I’m a poor swimmer so I’d just be increasing the body count for the coastguard/RNLI to collect up. So I’d try doing something else to help, ie calling 999 and finding something that can be thrown into the sea for the person to hang on to.

I'm just giving an example. I couldn't just not do nothing. I also carry a personal alarm which I would use first. I know what you mean though. I just feel if more people were willing to get involved then more women and children and even other men could be saved. I know each situation is different. But everyone should be looking out for it each other. And of course we need more police on the streets. I'm 62 and I don't go out at night anymore, too many drunken men and women. But situations could happen during the day or at home.

I can get away with it because I'm big and look scary

Just what we need - another man knowing he can get away with things because he’s intimidating.

I had to stop being friends with a man who kept on telling me about his misogynistic friends and what they said and did. He NEVER put them right but expected brownie points for understanding how wrong these things were and making out he was a saint. If you watch and encourage it knowing it is bad you are part of the problem.

So a man is supposed to intervene when a woman is being attacked, but he should do so in a way that avoids any risk of physical intimidation?

JacknDiane
I dont know why men come onto mn.
They get their arse handed to them on a plate at every turn. Even the men posting here feel the need to apologise and explain what they meant.
Fuck that.

There’s useful things on mn that outweigh assholey, baity posts like this one.

Good. We need more men like you

You are out of order here, this is a man using his physical prowess to defend others.

Furthering the lot of children? I’m a hands on dad to my son who I have more than 50% of the time. Will that do?

Women? I support my partner despite the fact she cheated on me. I help my mum with stuff when she asks. I help my elderly next door neighbour if she needs anything.

Not sure I remember any woman ever doing anything useful for me since I left home tbh.

Were there other people at the taxi rank. Ifs so they should of restrained the man and woman if nessary and called the police. That's the problem now enough people willing to get involved. If he was on his own then he was very unfortunate but that doesn't mean every situation would be the same. I'm 62 and done martial arts training but I'm not super woman I don't go out at night too many drunks. Although a situation could happen during the day. I just angry at all the abuse and violence done by men. If more people get together to help it would be better for everyone. I mean there's usually people around at a night out

Hang on a sec.

I've spent my entire life trying to make myself seem smaller, less threatening. I haven't raised my voice since my early teens because I know me shouting scares the crap out of people, even when it's just to get someone's attention.

The one advantage looking and sounding like me has is that I can walk into a situation, calmly ask if everything's ok, and usually be safe in the knowledge that the person being aggressive is going to back off .

I was in a pub with friends when this big scary looking man was dancing and singing loudly then without any encouragement he came over and apologised for being loud and he would be quiet. He did.