Do you think it's a good idea to pool money together and live with my Mum?

[Jennypenny234]

My Mum and I were chatting about how we'd both love to have a detached bungalow, and she suggested we sell our houses and buy one between us, we'd ensure we had our own separate living rooms and bathrooms for space, but I'd feel better knowing I'm near her if she needs me, and Mum would also feel happier, has anyone done this?

We both own our homes outright, both are happily single, but Mum's 81 and I wouldn't want her to go into a nursing home, and she definitely doesn't want that either. I'd be happy to care for her if I possibly can as she gets older, and on paper it sounds a good idea for us to combine money from our assets.

I don't know what the implications could be though if Mum became eventually too poorly for me to look after and she needed to be in a home (hopefully it wouldn't come to that), could we be made to sell our new home to pay for her care?

My first thought would be, do you have siblings? Because if you do, if your mother dies, it’s likely that they would want to sell the property to claim their inheritance. You’d need to be able to buy them out, or would face selling then.

Not sure about selling to pay for care but yes I would assume that you might have to.

I think if you could find neighboring houses or flats in the same block it would be a good plan. Otherwise I think the implications would be potentially pretty massive.

A lot to consider:

the sibling and inheritance being one, my great uncle did this effectively writing my grandad out of a significant inheritance and they didn’t speak for 40 years he turned up on the doorstep the day of Grampy’s funeral, very awkward.

deprivation of assets. You should be able to argue that you were intending to take on the care yourself with no intention to deprive the state but if she does need care and all her money is in your house it could cause problems

Are you really prepared for the level of care she might need? Do you want to do intimate care for her etc.

living with someone whose house you left along time ago in a different dynamic will not necessarily be easy.

we’ve considered it many times, it might have been a better solution to where we are now but I think it would be difficult living with her and I’m glad we don’t.

I know people who have variations of this. Two sides of a semi-D
Granny Annexe
Same street but not same property
One where the gardens back onto each other and they installed a gate.

I have never seen a property like you are describing.

But yes, many people have elderly parents within walking distance.

There's no siblings to worry about

We'd prefer a bungalow, purely for the fact neither of us are spring chickens anymore

I guess it’s the paying for a care home if needed question then?

That must've been awful for your Grandad, it's unbelievable what people will do when it comes to money.
I've not really thought too far ahead if I'm honest, re personal care, I guess I need to really consider the actual reality of what I feel I would be able to do for my Mum.

I think it's a lovely idea. But it would probably be best to seek legal advice.
I also think that you need to consider your own age and what would happen if you couldn't care for mum anymore, need care before your mum does or go first. Just make sure that neither of you end up homeless.

It would just seem more logical to me to buy a place together (with adequate space for ourselves) rather than live on the same street. I know of someone who lives with her Son and daughter in law, and they have separate living areas.

It’s a lovely idea.

You know how much you can tolerate your mum. Whether she is difficult, or indeed you are, and how that needles one or other of you. My Dad lives with us now. It’s a lovely arrangement, we all enjoy his company and I can help him now he is more infirm. Do we get on each others tits at times? Of course - that’s a human relationship

Legally he has a license to occupy the house (in case something happens to us he can’t be chucked out) but doesn’t own the house so no IHT

A previous poster asked if you could imagine doing intimate care. When it’s for someone you love, you do what you need to when the time comes. And you do it without a second thought. I say that from direct experience. Having them living with you makes it easier to do what care you need to.

You need to thoughtfully manage the legal bit but otherwise I would go for it. You are doing something it sounds like both of you will benefit from, both will enjoy. It’s a very loving thing too that many will not understand, particularly here where advice on issues typically involves saying you should immediately divorce someone, kick them out, or go no contact

Why not if it’s what you both want. You can buy a 3 bed bungalow and use the spare bedroom
as a 2nd living space. Not sure re care home, i’d guess not if it’s also your home, but best to check. Re care for your mother, you could also employ a carer to come in twice a day and help your mum get dressed if she needs it etc.

How old are you, op? That makes a difference to your rights if your mum ended up needing to go into a home

Do you have any siblings or other people who your mum might leave a share of her estate to?

It sounds like a good idea (assuming you’re happy with the level of responsibility) but I’d suggest you get full legal advice on all the possible repercussions.

How sad that children can’t live with parents because in their old age because they may piss of another child who wants their money after they die. This is the trouble with money it divides families.

The cold hard facts of caring for an elderly person who is dying could mean things like feeding them , helping them drink they then could vomit some up and to stop it going every where over themselves and bedding ( you are the one that changes / deals with it ) you involuntary catch it it your hands .
Taking their false teeth out and cleaning them . Dealing with incontinence . Then , clothing , bedding etc .

Not being able to go out often as they need you . Not having a full nights sleep as they call out to you for the toilet , pain meds , a drink etc ( the hospice suggested a baby alarm )

It's all stuff you don't realise could and does happen and it is a shock when you have to deal with it all .

Just think carefully about the care thing. How much personal care are you ok with? Are you ok with having carers in up to four times a day? Anything can happen and if she had to have residential care, then you could be forced to sell later if the Council used deferred payments to fund her care (assuming house is only asset). These are all worst case scenarios and she could be perfectly OK, but they do tend to decline in their 80s.

Of course, you living with her will help slow that down as long as you are ok with taking most of the heavy lifting on. I'm late 50s and have cared for my elderly parent for over 15 years, living with and caring for them since lockdown. It's hard going sometimes, stressful and occasionally traumatic, but hugely rewarding too.

You need to be robust and resilient, mentally and physically. I've recently had to place them into residential care as we had some catastrophic incidents and it was no longer safe for either of us. It's hard.

Get legal advice from a solicitor with experience of care funding and estate planning.

If there is currently no expectation of care being needed, and your mum isn’t planning to give money away (rather she’s planning to use it to buy her half of the house) then deprivation of assets shouldn’t be an issue.

If you buy and own the property jointly as tenants in common, you own 50% each. If your mum needs care at some point in the future, and a financial assessment is done, her share of the property should be disregarded because in practice it has no value. She can’t sell 50% of a house where the co owner does not want to sell, and any formal valuation of the property will confirm that. And you would be under no obligation to buy her out.

Do you have POA? You should get it arranged in case your mother ever loses capacity.

You should definitely run through all these implications with a solicitor.

Also you’ll get loads of advice on this at the Elderly Parents Board, and meet some lovely and wise posters too.

DH's aunt and much older cousin did this but a house not a bungalow, they'd lost their dad/husband and brother/son in the space of two years and wanted to be together, there are no other siblings. They have a large detached house Georgian with a door in the middle one has the left side one has the right both have their own bedroom, bathroom , living room and hobby room plus guest rooms, they share a kitchen. In reality they are together in the evenings most of the time in one of the living rooms or in the lovely big kitchen. They get on very well and the older of the two is still in very good health.

I have a friend who did it and it actually worked out quite well. Between them they had a lot of equity to pool so they bought a converted church which had two very distinct areas (both with kitchens/bathrooms) presumably for the main church and the Sunday school.

My friend and her family (and her mum
and dad) were able to live interdependently and it worked really well up until her dad got too ill to be cared for at home.

I don’t know how they arranged it legally (definitely get that all checked out) but like you, she had no siblings so inheritance wasn’t an issue. When her parents eventually passed away, they downsized as the place was too big for them.

It's also good to think about what might happen if your Mum gets dementia. It isn't just getting a bit forgetful, she may fight, scream, wander off, break things, think you are a burgler. She may refuse personal care in case of incontinence, and physically fight you off.

I'm not saying that will happen to your Mum, but you need to be prepared.

A PP said, (paraphrasing) regarding personal care, that you do it because they're your family. Sorry, but no, not everyone is able/prepared to do personal care for elderly relatives, and no-one should feel guilty if they can't/won't. It is not the same as caring for a baby.

I think it would be rewarding for me and my Mum, like it has been for yourself, and I'd probably be able to provide personal care for her if and when the time comes.

If we did go ahead, in your experience, would it be best to put the house in my name, with the condition Mum can live there for the rest of her life? I understand I'd need legal advice about this

That's helpful thanks

I'm nearing on 60, no siblings to worry about.

That worked out well for your friend, and I'd hope it would for my Mum and I too.