Do you think it's a good idea to pool money together and live with my Mum?

[Jennypenny234]

My Mum and I were chatting about how we'd both love to have a detached bungalow, and she suggested we sell our houses and buy one between us, we'd ensure we had our own separate living rooms and bathrooms for space, but I'd feel better knowing I'm near her if she needs me, and Mum would also feel happier, has anyone done this?

We both own our homes outright, both are happily single, but Mum's 81 and I wouldn't want her to go into a nursing home, and she definitely doesn't want that either. I'd be happy to care for her if I possibly can as she gets older, and on paper it sounds a good idea for us to combine money from our assets.

I don't know what the implications could be though if Mum became eventually too poorly for me to look after and she needed to be in a home (hopefully it wouldn't come to that), could we be made to sell our new home to pay for her care?

I did something similar. Because the care I provided with the help of carers when the time came, I was able to keep him home until the very end . It is not as bad as people make out and you can future proof like having a wet room as or instead of bathroom, flooring suitable for her space . Grab bars and maybe wheelchair accessible entrances with ramp etc. I think people find it hard to imagine in their own home as on average UK houses are very big and even walking frames are a problem.
I think you should go for it OP. Sounds like you both round be very happy and content. I know I had such peace of mind .

I have really underestimated the cost of care, it's a real eye opener. I would be prepared to sell if my mum did need money for care.

It's definitely something to take into account

Thank you, it's unbelievably expensive

i like the idea, why not xx

There's so much to consider isn't there

My DM developed dementia and had to go into residential care.

The commitment required to look after someone safely 24 hours per day isn't really manageable at home. Her care home fees were around £6,500 per month.

It's good to read another positive story

Sorry to read about your mum, it must be very hard to care for people with dementia

OP only you know yourself and your mum.. and your relationship.
Experience tells me that what starts out as a great idea and a good relationship is a totally different thing when the parent becomes older and has physical and mental health problems.

It can become impossible to have a life of your own…. All you do is 24 hour care and it’s not always appreciated. The guilt becomes terrible because they’re not happy if you do anything that prioritises yourself.
Obviously I’m not saying this WILL happen but it does. And social services are very reluctant to help when there’s a family member carrying the load.
And get the POAs!

I think if you are over 60 and a close relative and own the house jointly then it would not be included in a care assessment by the council. It also might be different if you own the property as tenants in common. Would be worth seeking advice on this and how to structure it.

This is true - but I guess at that point a care home would become more likely? Op has said that she would be happy to do it 'as long as I could'.

Yes, I've been in a similar but not identical scenario - although in my situation my parent had Alzheimer's and that was the complicating factor, because after a certain point, they refused any care at all.

I'm definitely not saying 'do it, it will be lovely!' - there is a lot to think about. I just wanted to point out that the OP needn't feel that she was committing permanently to doing the seriously challenging aspects of personal care come what may. It sounds like there might be upsides for both in the medium term.

If you had a 3-4 bedroom house you could add a wet room downstairs and a small kitchen upstairs. Then you could live upstairs usual one of the bedrooms as a living room and your mum use one of the ground floor living rooms as her bedroom. Assuming you personally don't need to live in a bungalow yet.

@Jennypenny234 With no siblings and just you and your Mum it is more straight forward.

Whilst a lot of posters are pointing out what happens if your Mum needs care you also need to think about what happens to your Mum, if you die first or if you became disabled and needed care.

My advice is to think about really difficult scenarios that can happen. What happens if you can’t drive etc. Also Really work through the finances I.e. what is your pension provision, can you afford to run a bungalow on your post retirement income, etc.

Then look at the type of properties available, can they cope with one of you in a wheel chair, is the bathroom wheelchair accessible etc. How much maintenance will there be and can you afford to pay for a gardener, cleaner etc. if you can’t do it.

Finally, you and your Mum each need independent legal advice including wills and LPAs for you both.

It is very, very difficult to care for a parent if they develop dementia, become disabled; multiple scenarios of care that could be waiting in the future. You could have unexpected health difficulties yourself. Even if the heart is willing, physically its another story and the toll on you, physically and mentally, is not to be underestimated. Buying together is of course, a loving, practical solution, but you need to be hardheaded and pay a solicitor to look into Deprivation of Assets. The chances are your mother may need care in the future, that you are not capable of providing and will need a nursing home. The authorities will look into finances and it will be difficult to argue your loving, good intentions and you could lose your home. Is one of you able to move into the others home? If your mother needs a nursing home in the future, you still have your home and there is an asset to sell for care. Wishing you all the best.

I know someone who's done this recently. Pooled resources, and her mum lives in the Granny annex. It suits them both. I regret not doing it with my mum - I feel guilty that she died while living alone and struggling. I was busy with young DC at the time. I used to go and see her monthly but it wasn't enough. Given my chance again, I would go for it. Set your boundaries though - text before you go over, she doesn't expect you to be available every day, etc.

i would ....but my father is alive and a brother also

this do need explanation

Do whatever makes you happy

Hi op you are looking at this one way your nearly 60 what if you needed care and your mum couldn’t do it and you had to go into a care home? What if something happened to you first could your mum afford to carry on living alone. I don’t know why people presume the older ones go first. Death, strokes, cancer, heart attacks have no age barrier.

My partner did this with his mum, moved her in so that he could care for her.
He adores his mum but she drives him completely insane and he finds her very hard work. I think the reality of caring for his mum is far worse than he imaged and her health is declining all the time. He's well aware he could have another 20 years of caring for her. It's just something to consider. All good intentions but their relationship has become strained and they don't enjoy each others company like they once did. They love each other immensely, I love my mum but I wouldn't want her to move in with me and family, we'd kill each other.

this

I've read and I'm going to take on board everyone"s advice, thanks all.

It's going to take a lot more serious thought I think, not just from my perspective, but my Mum needs to consider everything that could potentially happen too.

There's for and against whatever decision we make, and it would be so much easier if we could predict the future before we decide for definite what to do.
I do feel torn in a way, I want my Mum to be happy, but at the same time I've got to consider how my life might be affected long term.

As people have also said, I could go first, could my Mum cope in a bigger place alone? I don't know.
We'll definitely take legal advice anyway and listen to more people who've found themselves back living with elderly parents, we won't do anything hasty.

A few months ago my grandad (mum’s dad) had to have an operation and for 6 days after the OP he wasn’t supposed to be alone so he went to stay with my mum for that time, who also had a bungalow and a spare room. My mum was 66 and he was 91. From a mental point of view he was 100% able and totally “with it”, but physically he needed help with EVERYTHING.

I can’t even put into words how difficult it was.
He needed constant care and observation and she was exhausted. She was in charge of all his medications, cooking all his meals, helping to feed him, making sure he was drinking, helping him move around the house, helping him to the bathroom, cleaning up after him when he had his accidents (of which there were many), helping keep him clean, helping him dress etc, it was relentless. She hardly slept because she had to get up at least twice with him every night. I can’t tell you how many times she phoned me in tears.

After the third day I travelled up to her and stayed with her for the remaining 3 days just to help share the load and offer some emotional support.

It was such hard work.
And that was just 6 days of round the clock care… the thought of having to be that kind of carer 24/7, every day and sacrifice your own life….. that’s a huge responsibility OP.

And like I said, this was just with him needing physical help, I cant even imagine how unmanageable the situation would be if he’d also had cognitive needs like dementia or Alzheimer’s to factor in as well.

Do not underestimate OP how absolutely exhausting it is being a carer for someone, every single day tending to all their needs with absolutely no time for yourself and your own needs. I really wouldn’t put yourself in that position, especially when you don’t have any other family around you to provide practical or emotional support either.

DM lived with me for a year when she became too frail to live on her own. I had carers in twice a day to do her personal care as I didn't think it was something I could do, plus I was a single mum with two young children so it was good to have some extra support. She had a low income and very little savings, so the care was funded by the local authority. She was previously living in a Council bungalow, so that was handed back.