Do you think it's a good idea to pool money together and live with my Mum?

[Jennypenny234]

My Mum and I were chatting about how we'd both love to have a detached bungalow, and she suggested we sell our houses and buy one between us, we'd ensure we had our own separate living rooms and bathrooms for space, but I'd feel better knowing I'm near her if she needs me, and Mum would also feel happier, has anyone done this?

We both own our homes outright, both are happily single, but Mum's 81 and I wouldn't want her to go into a nursing home, and she definitely doesn't want that either. I'd be happy to care for her if I possibly can as she gets older, and on paper it sounds a good idea for us to combine money from our assets.

I don't know what the implications could be though if Mum became eventually too poorly for me to look after and she needed to be in a home (hopefully it wouldn't come to that), could we be made to sell our new home to pay for her care?

I think if you have a good relationship and you have thought through the implications it could work in that you are on hand to help her as she gets older and presumably more infirm. Having your own space is definitely a good idea in that you both have your own living rooms and bathrooms with maybe shared Kitchen/dining area. Living with my mum would involve me watching all sorts of annoying TV programmes so that would be high on my priority list. You do need to think about how it would work if she needs a lot of care although of course you can buy in help if she can afford it. I would suggest you both buy as tenants in common to give you both security either should you predecease her or she needs to go into residential care. Definitely get POA while she is compos mentis. Having no siblings simplifies it a bit. As long as you both consider and discuss it carefully it could work.

DM lived with me for a year when she became too frail to live on her own. I had carers in twice a day to do her personal care as I didn't think it was something I could do, plus I was a single mum with two young children so it was good to have some extra support. She had a low income and very little savings, so the care was funded by the local authority. She was previously living in a Council bungalow, so that was handed back.

If the only asset she had was her home (no/very little savings), the local authority would provide care (up to four visits a day) free of charge.

one other thing that you may dismiss straight away, what about you. I know you said you are happily single, but what if you met someone?

It’s a good idea if you get on well with your mum and, as important, your SO gets on well with her too. It’s pretty much what we do except my mom has the downstairs flat and we have the upstairs. Of course you need to take legal advice about care home payments, don’t trust to the Internet. Actually I think your biggest problem will be finding a big enough bungalow, assuming you live in the UK. They hardly build any, these days.

I think that what nobody has mentioned so far is that care is not going to be readily available, at the standard she requires, when she needs it, you will need to fight for it and, living with a relative, she won’t be prioritised, You may even need to be prepared to abandon her in A&E to be taken seriously.

If I were you, I wouldn’t merge households, get 2 houses, rent one but ensure there is enough money in the to pay extra for a decent nursing home when it is needed.

If you get on and could live in a house together all the time, then it could work. Assume you will be at a stage in life where holidays and going out except for things such as shopping, do you think you could still be ok?

As others have suggested, check implications such as inheritance and what could happen if serious illness etc.

While it's unlikely to make much difference to your mum, I'm assuming you are in your 50s. Living in a bungalow is bad for your knees if you are there for years - they don't get any stairs practice any more.

So maybe a two floor house and you have your bedroom upstairs would be a better idea.

I know three daughters that have done similar, all have ended up on antidepressants in the long run as their parent became frail. They’d completely overcommitted. Not a life I’d want for my adult children in their prime.

I think it sounds a lovely idea and you’ve had some good advice here. And statistically most older people do not need to go into a care home.

The one thing I’d just point out is we noticed a big difference in the health and fitness of our old people between 80 and 85. Still driving and getting out to activities regularly at 80 versus mainly housebound and in and out of hospital with multiple medical issues by 85

I have had my dad living with us for the past year. He is 85 and has dementia. It is really tough, we had an enclosed dining room downstairs which was my husband's home office, and he had to give that up to be my dad's bedroom.

It is very cramped, there are 5 of us now and my dad has no awareness of other people's space, personal belongings or boundaries.

We have to hide things constantly and I recently got a lock put on my bedroom door after he entered my room during the night ranting and gave me a real scare.

This is just my experience but it seems social services are less willing to provide any help to an elderly person living with family even if the family member like me is disabled and not able to do certain aspects of the care.

I feel like it will be a real battle to get help if he can no longer wash or toilet himself.

However it is likely to be a better experience if you go into it buying a suitable home with enough space for everyone.

You would first have to really look into both the likelihood, timing and financial implications of your mum going into a care home should this become necessary.

I believe people can be forced to sell their home unless a spouse, their own child if over 60 or disabled dependant person lives there, and if you have bought a home together then you could be at risk of homelessness.

Even if it was put in just your name, if they find out (and they do really dive into a persons finances going back years) that your mum contributed, they can still seize your home.

So please do look into that thoroughly, maybe get some professional advice.

Buying or converting two adjoining but legally separate units and knocking a door through may be an option, then one is legally yours and one hers, so at least yours is protected from seizure for care home fees.

Regarding my decision we didn't do it out of choice, my dad was no longer safe living alone and we were unwilling to entertain the idea of a nursing home both for his sake and to protect everything he has worked his whole life for being seized by the state instead of being able to be passed on to my children.

If you share a good sized property and your mother becomes ill there should be plenty of room for a living-in carer if you found it was too much for you. Pooling your assets and living together should enable you to set money aside to pay for this if necessary - you'll probably spend less between you and may even have some money left after the sale.
A friend of ours had a carer living with them for five years or so after her husband had a stroke and it was a much happier solution for them both than a care home.
I agree with others that adjoining properties with a linking door sounds ideal, but I doubt that there are many of these for sale at the same time.

Absolutely not. I moved back in with my mum when she was getting older instead of buying a place. Cheaper rent and I can save.

You say you hope it wouldn't come to your mom going into a home... but I also said that. Until she got terminal cancer and ended up emaciated, and immobile and doubly incontinent. She needed full time care in a hospice and day carers wohld not be adequate. I could not give up my job to be a carer.I would have been left with nothing and she survived for many, many months. So for those many months that she was dying.I would have been left alone with that with minimal carers during the day. I wouldn't have been able to work or even leave the house.

As soon as NHS staff found out she lived with me.They did whatever they could to get her discharged to me. They will try and do an unsafe discharge, so they get someone looked after as cheaply as possible.

With respect, your mother probably has less than one decade left of life.And even less left of life, in good health.

Do not buy a house with her and do not move back in with her. Will face enormous pressure to do everything for her and nobody else will want to pick up the slack.

My mum refused to go into a hospice because she was in denial about the extent of her illness. Water all of the staff told me was that my mother was a capacity.Adult, and she had the absolute right that decide to come home to her house. They said that I could not stop her. My mum didn't care that I would be stuck with her and not able to work because she was in denial.She said she'd just potter about and get better at home.

My sister demand that I take mum home an care for her. But strangely though my sister didn't work.And she didn't have time to provide the care
So she wanted mum to be careful at home as long as I did.It.

Look, it's your life.But when you're faced with the reality of caring for a totally helpless octogenerian, possibly realise the massive mistake you've made.

You have one life go and live it by yourself.Independently. i always thought my mum would be rational and sensible when she got ill, but she just shook her head said, no.No.I'm absolutely fine.I'm coming home tomorrow.And when we get better, I'll take you to the beach for a holiday. The nhs staff were happy to dump that on me.

That's another thing I need to take into account, at the moment I'm happy to be on my own for the foreseeable future, but what if I suddenly meet someone I want to be with? What if my Mum does?

I've got to think of the very long term impact living together with my Mum could have, and so does she.

We'd probably be best buying a house with Mum having the downstairs if we do decide to go for it.

Going to work now, thank you for the responses.

At the moment I'm very much 50/50 as to whether it's a good idea for us to live together. I love my own space, my Mum does too, and I know we could still have separate living areas but will it be too close for comfort?

This is one of those decisions where neither of us could possibly know how we'll be affected if we combine money.
If we go ahead and I wish I hadn't after a couple of years, I can't say let's sell up and live separately again.

I honestly don't know what to do for the best, Mum and I get on well, but as others have said, that could change when responsibility kicks in eventually.

I've only just got my freedom from being a single mum for a long time, do I want responsibility?
Then again, I'd still be the only one helping my Mum even if we didn't live together.

I wish I could predict the future!

From personal experience, as much as you want to care for your Mum, there could become a time where 1 person is not enough to care for someone else 24/7.

You would not be able to care for her safely if e.g she had dementia and became violent and the most timid people can and do become very violent in some cases.

If you are no spring chicken yourself, can you really commit to never leaving the house and being a 24/7 carer when your Mum is e.g 95 years old?

If not, unless Mum has a huge amount of savings, you would end up losing your home as care home fees would need paid from her share of the property. My MIL had a bery high income from various pensions and interest on savings yet it still cost net of £150K from her savings to keep her in a care home from 4 years.

My parents did this, slightly different set up as essentially it was a granny annex. It was all good for about 10 years, Granny was independent, driving had a good social life.

Then dementia hit, my Mum ended up exhausted, working full time and not near retirement age, had the mortgage to pay etc, could never settle as worrying what granny was up to, had to do all the personal care which wasn’t ideal, she became doubly incontinent.

Strategically was a nightmare as my parents income was taken into consideration for care costs despite granny being a pensioner, they had alsorts of battles re: care costs, the house etc. And because she was ‘safe’ it was very very difficult to get any form of care or social services to assist.

My mum nearly had a nervous break down trying to cope and also the guilt when it became inevitable granny needed to go in a home at which point my Mum was literally in tears saying i can’t cope at all, so they put her in respite for two weeks with the plan to come home, it was only as the home said we literally cannot see how the family has been managing she needs full time vare that social services relented.

It almost broke my parents relationship to as they couldn’t have a ‘normal life’ they couldn’t go on holiday or a day out without strategic planning and even when they were away it was in the back of their minds was everything ok etc.

My Mum has asked that no matter what myself or my siblings don’t put ourselves in that position. So on this basis i would not recommend or at least seriously consider what will happen if she deteriorates and how you would cope.

You sound very naive (not your fault, you've been lucky so far not to have to deal with reality of caring for an adult) about the challenges of being a carer, especially if there are cognitive issues involved. Yes, you could be lucky and hit the jackpot in terms of living together with your mum. But given her age, she is likely to have health issues, both physical and mental and if you pool your resources and live together, any support from Social Care will be extremely limited as the assumption will be you can pick up the slack even if you are on your knees. You could end up running yourself ragged, with little to no respite, on call 24/7. Others mentioned double incontinence, aggression, from my experience I would also mention sundowning. I would strongly caution you to reflect on the realities of caring for your parent, and head over to elderly parents forum.

If you get on well together then it sounds a good idea. I certainly couldn’t live full time with my daughter but that’s another story. With you there she is far less likely to need to go into a home (only a small proportion of people end up in care). I suspect it will also be easier for you to get someone to come in and do the jobs you can’t do when additional care is needed. There are agencies who will pop on for an hour or so or offer you respite.
Why not look on the bright side and decide that you are going to enjoy her twilight years together.

I’m about to revise my post. I hadn’t realised there was a possibility you might find yourself a partner. This would seriously complicate matters. Probably best to find two separate establishments very close together. Unfortunately no one can predict the future.

On this case go for it, sounds like your both be happy

There's so much to think about

I'm definitely going to get as much advice as possible, and I do need to read posts like yours, I'm sorry your Mum had such a difficult time

You're right, I probably am being naive, reading everyone's experiences is making me see the reality of how difficult things could become possibly.
I'll check the elderly parents board as well.